I Loved You Before I Met You

43

   When I get in my car I look and see it's 4:05 p.m. and decide to just drive. I want to give Lauren enough time to think everything over and especially see the proof about all that with Lila. I love Lauren so much and would fight for her in a heartbeat but I will not force her to be with me if she doesn't want it. Even though I love her and it would hurt so much, maybe I just need to let her go. She has been through a lot already because of Mike. She doesn't need any more shit especially from me but it seems all I can do is fuck her life up once again.

I drive until I end up at Northstar Mall. I decide to go in and look around to kill time. I walk from one end of the mall to the other and stop by Starbucks before heading out to my car. It's already 6:17 p.m. so I guess I will head back to Lauren's. I used to call it home, but I kind of feel like it probably will not be my home anymore so it's better to  just call it Lauren's. I was not purposely trying to fuck things up but I managed to do so anyway. I finally had the one person I wanted and probably lost her before being able to completely make her mine.

Before I can even crank my car to leave I break down crying. All this is just getting to be too much. I have always been scared to love someone and let them love me. The one time I find someone and fall in love, I screw it all up before it can even get started good. Maybe Lauren is right. Maybe I am just like Mike. I sit in my car crying for nearly 10 minutes. Once I stop crying I turn the radio on and I feel like I'm Drowning by Two Feet is on. Hopefully the music will help clear my head during my drive back.

My mind is still working overtime on the drive back to Lauren's. I already know how this is going to end for me. Even if it wasn't for the whole confusion of Lila being my girlfriend, Lauren will still end us because of what happened at school. I just don't know if I can handle hearing her tell me that we can't be together. I know what I need to do even though it is going to hurt me so much but I know it will be easier on her. I need to just leave like I planned before and let her get on with her life without me. Why would she want me anyway? My own father doesn't love me so why would she actually love me?

I pull into the parking spot at Lauren's apartment and take a few deep breaths after shutting the car off. Okay, I can do this. I just need to go in there and pack my clothes and anything else I want to take with me and leave. I will take whatever I can get in my car and drive to Pensacola tonight. The trip shouldn't be that bad and it will give me plenty of time to think about everything that's happened. I hate to leave without talking to Kyle but leaving is for the best.

Okay, here goes nothing. I get out of my car and head to the front door. With a shaky hand I unlock the door and slowly open it. Before closing the door I see Lauren pacing back and forth in the living room. As the door shuts her head shoots up and she is looking in my direction. She practically runs over to me wrapping me in a warm hug. I automatically hug her back knowing this will be the last time I have her in my arms. I feel my eyes watering up again but I keep any tears from falling.

"Why do you do this to me Kyler? You leave and don't show back up until hours later. I was worried about you and couldn't call because you left your phone here." She releases the hug and smacks my shoulder and says "stop scaring me like that" and I see a tear roll down her cheek. I wipe her tear away with my thumb and leave my hand on the side of her face gently caressing her skin. I can't stop the tears that escape my eyes and roll down my cheek."I'm sorry Lauren. I wanted to give you space and the proof about Lila." I say.

I take a deep breath and let out a sigh while removing my hand from Laurens face. I wipe my tears and I go to step around her but she grabs my forearm. "Kyler, we need to talk." She says. Well that sentence is never a good one. "Look Lauren, I know what you're..." and I'm cut off by her. "Be quite Kyler. I listened to you earlier and now it is time to listen to me. You even said you would listen when you got back if I wanted to talk. So come sit down with me and let me talk." She is looking at me with her stern principal face and even though it should be intimidating it is actually sexy as hell.

Lauren pulls me to the couch and sits down beside me. She turns facing me with one leg tucked under her. She runs her hands through her hair and looks at me. "I'm so sorry for overreacting the way I did about the whole Lila situation. After reading her messages I realize it was a misunderstanding on my part . I jumped to conclusions and I should have believed you. Mostly though, I'm sorry for saying you were like you father. You are nothing like him. You love hard and unconditionally and I know you wouldn't lie or cheat like him. You are such an honest and loyal person and that is very rare to find sometimes. I was hurt and mad but should have never said that. I hope you can forgive me because I know that hurt you. I was projecting my past on you which was wrong for me to do."

Lauren looks at me for a few seconds before she continues. "Now, I want you to know that I love you. I am in love with you Kyler. You make me feel things I have never felt before, for anyone but what happened at school today was scary. I saw my career basically disappear right before my eyes. A career that I have worked so hard for." Lauren closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths. My heart starts beating harder and I already feel tears building in my eyes because I know what she is going to say.

"Hold on Lauren." I quickly say. "I know you wanted to talk but I have something to say before you finish, please. This is all my fault. I'm the one who initiated... this between us. I'm the one that kept flirting and perusing you. If I would have never kissed you the first time..." my voice trails off as I stand up shaking my head trying to keep from crying.

Lauren closes her eyes then opens them and looks at me. "Can I finish now?" I nod for her to continue. "First of all, it isn't just you. I played my part in this too as I already said. I'm not going to say what we did last night was a mistake because that would mean I regret it and honestly, I don't. But, it was a bad decision on my part, a very unethical decision. I obviously wasn't thinking and probably should not have let my feelings for you get the best of me."

Lauren sighs, "I know the consequences of this if we continue and it goes to Mr. Jones again. I don't want to lose my job because I actually love what I do. I did a lot of thinking while you were gone and played different outcomes over in my head. Kyler... I-I really really love my job... and I love you. Logically the right thing for me to do is end this romantic relationship and walk away. I just... I just don't see how this is going to work..."