Into My Heart

XXXIII

CHRISTEN

My world has been turned over since my engagement announcement: the fact that my mother 'outed' me for her own self-interest, mixed up with the fact that my 'fiancé' is a Canadian hottie with Harvard degrees, has made my popularity in Orange County rise as nothing before. Being different sometimes might be a good thing, but at the moment I was feeling as if my family had taken advantage of my fluid sexuality by putting a popular label on it and using it to highlight my progressivist differences. Furthermore, the fact that Shelina and I were good-looking reached to an audience of young LGBTQ+ people who aspire to be us, when I don't even know what Shelina's sexuality is.

I feel like a fraud. 

That is so not me: just surrender to my family's wills, without even considering my own... And just pretending to be somebody I am not, and to be in love with somebody I am not even friends with yet... Everything seems to fake, my whole world is fake now. At the moment, as Shelina has settled into a home office in the same room than mine, I observe her going through her files of well-planned instructions as of to how she should behave in public, and so on. Her clear eyes were filled with sadness, and that made me quite sad as well: either of us want this.

After a few minutes in silence, I finally speak up:

"I am sorry my family is making us do this."

Shelina, quite surprised by my heartfelt apology, lits her eyes toward me, frowning. Of course she is scared of what I am telling her right now: she might think that I am just like my hideous parents and siblings (except for Mal), but in truth I am not.

After a few seconds, she responds in a soft Canadian accent:

"I am also sorry for you, if that reassures you. It must be very hard for you to just be reduced to being a public figure when all you want is just be who you are and with who you want to be."

I raise my eyebrow.

"I hope you know I have nothing to do with all this" I insist, raising my arms in the air aimlessly, feeling the pressure and tiredness fall on my shoulders all at once. As she is nodding her head slowly, I add: "I never wanted to become CEO in the first place."

Shelina smirks, somehow finding this funny, which kind of upsets me at the moment. But I can see it's a nervous laughter.

After a few seconds, she adds:

"No kidding, and I also happen to know that you are crushing on somebody else, so you and I are in the same unwanted position, I get it don't worry. But we are stuck with each other for a while, so we should learn how to look good together so that nobody find out this engagement is a fraud and your family won't go after her again."

I nod my head silently. 

As the Canadian goes back to her files, I observe her a little bit longer: if it wasn't for Abby, I would totally find her attractive. I mean, who wouldn't? She has the legs and looks of a mannequin, and the eyes so clear that they would dethrone an ocean. That's it, Shelina Zadorsky has ocean eyes. But somehow, knowing that she was trapped in this with me, I felt quite bad: she never asked for any of it, and somehow she manages to remain calm while I want to yell at at everybody.

And she's right: if we don't pretend to be together, my family will hurt Abby. 

"It says here" Shelina suddenly says, staring at the planner we hold together so that we would be reminded at all times about our obligations, before looking up and saying: "that you have a meeting with Kelley O'Hara this afternoon. Why?"

I smirk. 

"Because Kelley is the daughter of one of Father's best buddy and, as it turns out, loyal associate" I explain, rolling my eyes. As the Canadian laughs softly, I add: "Anyway, I have to meet her so that I know what to expect from our imminent partnership: our parents are determined that she and I will work together sometime soon."

"You don't seem thrilled by all of this" Shelina remarks, frowning. 

I sit down dramatically on the couch, my forehead in between my hands. 

"It's just that I'm really tired of always being forced to do everything my family wants. Like, I have my own ambitions and desires, and I can tell you being CEO of a corrupted corporation is not in my life plan... Or at least was."

The Canadian nods, before saying:

"I totally get that: when my father died, my mother was just sinking into heroine and alcohol, and there was nothing either I nor my brothers could do. So we each went our own ways at 18, and this resulted in one of them getting killed by a mafia in Italy, and the other doing an cocaine overdose one year later. And then my mother died, and I found myself alone at 20, with no money, debts, and nobody on my side."

I can see she is very upset by this, as a tear rolls down her cheek. 

Without really thinking, I grab her hand, squeezing it softly. When she looks up in her deeply blue eyes, I feel something odd: it's like she is the sister I've always wanted, somebody sane and in pain, that would get what I was feeling. 

Letting go of her hand but not looking away, I then settle:

"You have me now... Although it's not ideal and the sentence for better or for worse might not be as sarcastic due to the present context, at least we have each other to rely on."

Shelina smirks. 

"You mean I'm not the worse person to be fake-engaged to?" she then asks, laughing. 

"Something like that, yes" I say, smiling. 

Then, we just continue preparing our press interviews and future actions with the corporation, but somehow I am quite relieved: at least I have a good friend by my side to get through it all.