Into My Heart

I

September air brushes my face as I get out of the bus, removing my mask. 

Orange General Hospital is a pretty small building, compared to others I have been in the past years, but the gigantic windows provide a natural light that shines through the building. When I announce myself at the reception, a nice lady indicates room 201, where Andrew Dahlkemper is set to finish his life. 

Anxiously walking toward the door, I stop right by the entrance, my frown growing bigger and bigger as seconds go by: indeed, my father wasn't alone in his room. A tall blonde girl was standing by his side, obviously laughing at his jokes, as if she had been paid to do so - or maybe she just has a shitty humor. Either way, my heart started racing: if I hadn't left, maybe it would've been me instead of that stranger, making him laugh in the room where he will end his life.

My father's hair are now white, and his bright green eyes seem to have lost their light: he seems tired, exhausted even. He is dressed in a while gown like the other patients, but there are some inscription in his jacket, probably hand-written. He is trembling a bit, probably because of his disease, or maybe because of the meds.

His eyes suddenly look into my direction, and time seems to stop.

His mouth starts moving, but no sound comes out of it. Instead, his eyes go wide, as if he has seen a ghost from his past - a ghost he does not want to see anymore, or feel appear in his life again. It is like if the wound of me leaving had been repaired - maybe by this blonde, tall girl - and that I now am a sign of the times.

Nevertheless, his voice manages to go through his mouth, as it is trembling when he says:

"... Ab-by? I-Is that y-you?"

My heart suddenly aches, as the tall blonde turns around, her blue eyes meeting mine. My father seems to be on the verge of bursting into tears, as I am on the verge of fainting. The blonde girl stares at me, probably making connections between what the old man had told her about his lost daughter and who she had in front of her.

 A tear silently rolls down my cheek, as I start getting angry against myself - I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of him. I have no right to do so: I abandoned him while he was grieving my mother. Worse daughter of the century, that's for sure. What a shame - what if I had stayed? Would I have a better life? Would I have been happier?

The static silence takes me out of my thoughts, as the blonde takes a step further.

"Abigail?" she hesitantly asks, her blue eyes somewhat staring at me from top to bottom in a matter of seconds. 

I silently nod, as my father's voice raises again, this time stronger:

"Abby?" he asks again, as I stare right into his teary eyes. Of course he recognized me - I look just like my mother - I think as his voice cracks again: "Oh my Lord, I never thought I'd see you face again..."

This time, he shamelessly bursts into tears, covering his face with his hands.

He is... somewhat happy to see me? Surprised and not sure how to properly react, I just stand there for a few seconds, before daring a step further. I see my dad trying to get up, as the blonde girl urges him not to do so. He has his arms opened, as if nothing happened, as if I wasn't a very bad person that ruined his life.

Suddenly, I want to throw up really bad.

"Dad...?" I whisper, my voice breaking this time.

"My baby girl" he lets out, as if he had been waiting a lifetime to say this again. Opening his arms a little wider, he adds: "Come here, my baby... Oh I thought I'd lost ya... For Christ' sake..."