Into My Heart

PROLOGUE

If you get there

right in between

my heart and my chest

be prepared

to love all of me

my flaws

my defaults

my anger

but most of all

my fears

of being rejected

of being abandoned

of being judged

of being unloved

If the summer of 2020, struck by a global pandemic, made us learn anything, it is to cherish the 'normal life' per say. I never though I would've missed going to class, or walking in a store or bus without a mask on my face, or even seeing member of my family die because of the virus. The quarantine had made me learn that maybe, things in life we take for granted are not that evident, and that we sometimes need to fight for them.

After my mother died, I flew to North Carolina, in Raleigh, in order to escape my birth city, Los Angeles, California. Choosing to go to the University of North Carolina was not an easy choice, especially with the lack of money in my back account. Nevertheless, now that my studies were coming to an end, I found myself thinking about all the things I have been missing: what about my father, who I call only once every two months? It has been four years since I left Los Angeles, and I still couldn't look at him in the eyes without thinking of mom - and I know it is even worse for him.

I got on the plane without allowing myself to have doubts: after all, I was leaving North Carolina in order to establish in Orange, a small town not far from LA, where my father was finishing his days in the General Hospital. I learnt about his cancer few days ago, when some nurse called me in order to announce his imminent death. Remorse and regrets have settled in, and I was staring outside the plane window for some sign from mom: she must be pissed, wherever she is. I abandoned him because I couldn't cope. I was weak.

The taxi drove me straight to the town-hall, as the sound of the waves against the tide made me fall asleep for a while. Orange was a pretty town situated river-side, by Santa Ana River with a small harbor and many local shops owned by locals. I managed to rent an apartment downtown, and started looking for jobs, but without really caring. As the car stopped by the side of the road, I saw few people wearing masks walking by, probably wondering what a young person would do here in Orange if she wasn't born there - I was wondering that, too.

"Thanks" I tell the taxi driver after handing him his 20 bucks. 

As he is driving away, I take a deep breath and walk toward the entrance of the building my new apartment was in. When I turn the lights on, I just discover an empty space, with only a mattress on the floor. I will have to deal with the decoration tomorrow, since it already was late in the night.

I stared at the ceiling, in the dark, for hours before my eyes finally closed.