All Because Of Him

fifty two.

 The next couple of days I feel as though I'm moving on autopilot. I haven't seen or talked to Mason since the night he came into my room. I'm not sure why I feel so hurt by it either, this is what he always does. He constantly finds new ways to send me mixed signals, and as of right now I feel like I am drowning in them.

The first day I found myself waiting by the front door for him to come back home, and with each hour that passed I felt like an even bigger idiot than the last. Aiden asked to hang out but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to see Mason so I could finally ask him how he's doing.

I spent all night staying awake just in case he stumbled back into my room again. My thoughts were haunting me, every bad scenario you could imagine made an appearance in my mind at least two or three times.

But then I heard him come home at around four in the morning and walk straight towards his room.

I sighed, rolled my body over and fell asleep.

The second day I spent the evening trying to take my mind off of him and the hurt I was feeling. Which included a shit ton of stress cleaning until Jessica practically hauled my ass out from scrubbing the floor and demanded we both get out of the pungent bleach smelling house.

While we got food she rambled on about Shawn and I pretended to listen. Nodding my head along to her rants as my burger and fries remained untouched in front of me. My thoughts were clouding my every emotion, and it made me feel too sick to even eat.

The third day was the day I grew furious over the situation. I had gone over every last word he's ever said to me in my mind and wondered if it was all in my head. The way he touched me, kissed me, the words he spoke- was that all a part of the game?

I was sick and tired of moping around waiting for the day he would speak to me again. The thought of me being so desperate for his attention made me feel even more pathetic. Since when had my feelings towards him become so detrimental to my own?

The worst part about all of this isn't just the fact that he's ghosted me again for the millionth time, it's that I kept questioning what I did wrong to make him do so.

But that's it- I did nothing wrong.

It's taken me until today, the fourth day to see that. It is always the same routine with him; he'll be gone for most if not all of the day, and come back in the middle of the night. How many more signs that he's not interested in me can I get?

It's not like he's out rescuing puppies until four a.m. every night.

Even though none of this is my fault, I only have myself to blame.

My feet slowly make its way up the stairs towards my bedroom, and I have to force myself not to look in the direction of Masons. I can't shake this lonely withdrawn feeling I've had since we've last spoken. Everything in my life screams monotonous without him in it.

I sigh, and just as I'm about to turn the knob to my bedroom door I hear a noise coming from Jessica's room. It is one I've grown quite familiar with, especially during these past couple of days.

I follow the sound, hoping that what I'm thinking inside my head is wrong. I open her door slowly and peak inside. Unfortunately what I predicted is true, and my heart constricts at the sight.

Jessica is lying stomach down on her bed, burying her head in one of her pillows. I watch as her body rises up and down from hiccups escaping her mouth. Her arms grip around the pillow tightly as tears run down her cheeks.

"Jess..." I step into her bedroom and her head snaps up.

Her eyes are red and puffy and the streaks of run down mascara stained onto her cheeks leaves me to cogitate how long she's been lying here like this.