Enthralled By You

40| Gentlest Heart

Life is unfair...

I don't know how long I've been weeping but I'm certain my eyes aren't tired shedding gallons of tears. I didn't able to control myself when I clutched an ample lock of my hair and pulled it as hard as I can. I gritted at the tingling sharp sensation. Every strand and every nerve seemed screaming and made a violent protest. The burning pain in my scalp was excruciating yet it was satisfying. I didn't have any intention of inducing self-harm but old habit never dies. It can't never be squelched because it's always been there and just waiting for the right moment to provide a tempting offer of temporary relief.

I'm tempted to go back when I used to be an apathetic, when I used to be senseless and unaffected from strong emotions such this harrowing pain that seemed to enfeeble my last ounce of strength. I finally got healed but then—it's a bittersweet attainment.

As I gripped my hair, another wave of grief had engulfed me upon remembering those memories when Eris would gladly brush my hair. She's always been persistent to adorn and braid it whatever she like.

Oh, Eris...

How could I move on?

The memories of her were comforting and it cascaded like refreshing cold water. It soothes the scorching pain at every chambers of my parched heart. It prompts me to stop tugging my hair and refrain from hurting myself. It roused a little spark of strength. It reminds me the promise after breaking it free from the void. It rekindles my courage that I can do better. That I'll live my second chance of life to the fullest—to make it flourish with worth.

Is there's still hope?

There will always be someone who would want to tear me down until I bleed and break. Would it be worth to fight and stand on my feet and prove that I'm not going to be that weak and useless coward anymore? It such a great challenge not to try running away and just hide back into the world that I'd built to recluse myself. Then everything wouldn't be too difficult, right?

Please... Please lend me some strength. Please let me have some courage...

I'd finally able to take few steps outside from my shell. I don't want to go back. I don't want to hide like a pathetic cretin anymore.

There's still hope.

There's still lot of things to do and I'm still hoping that I could find my sister. I wanted to make things right and make amends with Hanaya because she deserves it.

I know it won't be easy but maybe someday I could be able to stand on my ground and won't let anyone to break me. Crying 'till I drain the last drop of my tears won't change everything. It wasn't certain yet if Eris really lost her breathe in this ground and perished.

Lamenting over the loss, I watch my teardrops crept a soppy splotch at Eris's gown as I started to find any trace if she really suffered a painful death from her last moment.

As I perused, I noticed something was auspicious—the soft fabric was untainted from any trace that could verify she was brutally killed. Touching it, the delicate and fleecy texture of the pale pink threads seemed unmarred. As its silkiness glides into my hand, aside from few traces of dust and rumples, there's neither splotch of spilled blood nor any shred of torn filaments even from the dainty bodice up to the gauzy lace along the hem. I'm certain, there's no sign of struggle and ferocious attacks on her.

I wipe the tears that incessantly flowed from my tear-flooded eyes. I felt like I cried for ages, like I poured everything into it from all of those years that I couldn't shed even just for a single drop of tear. Crying had made me feel good, something cold and heavy burden inside my chest was finally lifted. Or was it because I'm relieved from the possibility that Eris wasn't murdered after all?