To My Youth [BL]

[37] Someone From The Past (2/3)

Just as He Rong was about to open his mouth, he swallowed his words when he met Gu Xiao's suffocating stares. 

That stabbing glare with a glowering, cold demeanour, as though he was looking at someone equivalent to an ant, possibly even lower, brought a sense of suffocation into the atmosphere. 

This stare that had such a genuine, chilling, foreboding quality, forced He Rong to avoid making eye contact. 

It provoked a stir of complex disturbances to arise within him. He was used to receiving such a disdainful glare that it irked him.

He Rong placed his palm on Zhang Yongyin's shaking shoulder, tapping it a few times as he smiled, "Beijing isn't a bad place. I quite like it here."

No words rolled off from Zhang Yongyin's tongue, and he kept his eyes everywhere except for He Rong. 

Each tap of his finger brought a shudder down his bones, and an unspeakable horror crawled up his arms, numbing his legs as all energy escaped through his feet.

Immediately, Gu Xiao yanked He Rong's arm away from him, ensuring a reasonable distance was created between them.

"Getting a little aggressive, are we?" He Rong scoffed.

"Why did you do it?" Gu Xiao asked.

He Rong narrowed his eyes in puzzlement. That familiar question of, 'Why did you do it?' was something he asked He Rong multiple times, yet he never received a proper answer.

"I always wondered what went through your mind. Is there anything else other than your shame and inferiority complex that motivates you to behave the way you do?" Gu Xiao asked.

The tension lingered between the three as Zhang Yongyin gaped at Gu Xiao's words. He Rong's pupils dilated and his brows knotted.

"There's a lot of questions I want to ask you, but you never seem to answer me honestly. I did a lot of thinking after that day we met. You called me a coward and I couldn't deny that I was a coward. I still am. I wonder why I am that way?" Gu Xiao pondered.

"There were times when I stepped up and faced my problems head on, but it always ended up badly. When I stepped up to you, you ridiculed me. You told me I was being delusional and made me feel stupid. When I didn't say anything and left quietly, you called me a coward. It was quite funny then, but now, it's starting to become tiring. What exactly did you expect from me?"

Upon closer examination of his surroundings, Gu Xiao noticed the same strange scent. 

The smell of cigarettes coming from He Rong's face and clothes reached his nose. 

Every time he breathed or spoke, the cigarette odour reeked even more as it constantly lingered around his body.

He Rong didn't respond immediately as Gu Xiao continued. "What did you feel when you found out my mother hung herself? What did you feel when you knew your father was beating my mother up every night? What did you feel when Wu Fei couldn't bear to live until tomorrow? What did you feel when we moved away? What exactly did you feel about me?"

Zhang Yongyin glanced at Gu Xiao and didn't dare say anything. 

In fact, even though He Rong said he hadn't changed at all, that wasn't true. 

They had all changed. 

Sometimes, people felt like they were wandering blindly, chasing the direction of the falling leaves. 

Soon, they remembered the times they turned the corner from the streets into the alley, ringing their rusty bike's bell. They were simply youths. 

They were simply children who once basked in light and innocence. It was the time that they disregarded. 

Their childhood was their treasure, but now it all seemed so far away. How did they end up here? The bell of that old bike could no longer be heard, because now, a new bell was calling out to them.

"You... Did you think I enjoyed it too?" He Rong asked.

Gu Xiao and Zhang Yongyin were relatively surprised by his tone, but they listened attentively. They hoped that tonight was the night that they would all finally let go of that rope they had been holding onto.

He Rong's bloodshot eyes trembled, and he kept digging his palms with his nails in agitation.

"Do you think I enjoyed living in that house with that monster of a father? Yes, you can say I'm shameful. I'm a jealous bastard who fed off people's misfortunes, but what else could I do? Did you think I didn't suffer as well? I also dreaded every day after Wu Fei died! Why do you two always look at me like I'm not even human? Even before that incident, did you ever care to think about what I felt?"

"Even though we were always together, I always felt like I... never existed. I never existed in anyone's lives at all. Not in this messed up family, and not with the people who I called my 'friends'. I didn't exist anywhere."

"Gu Xiao, I thought things would get better since I was able to see you the most, but it only made me feel even more lonely. You asked me about your mother? Did I ever ask your mother to marry my father? If she hadn't married him, then none of this would have happened!"

"Watch what you say!" Zhang Yongyin interjected and prepared to step forwards, but Gu Xiao stopped him.

"The only time I felt like I existed... the only time I felt like I was included in something, was when I held valuable information to others. Otherwise, I was nothing. I bet you didn't know, did you?"

"You were always surrounded by people that you didn't even need to bother trying to feel like you belong somewhere. If you, Zhang Yongyin, or Wu Fei, never spoke to me, I would simply be invisible at school, at home. Everywhere. Did you ever consider me to be as a part of your group?"

"How can you even ask that? Of course we did!" Zhang Yongyin responded. "Why else did you think we put through with all your shit?"

"No. You put through all of it because you were afraid that you will also be isolated by everyone. If they found out you also sided with him, they will avoid all of you too. Did you know how it felt to be ignored by all of you even before that accident? You never asked me to go anywhere with you, you barely invited me anywhere."

"Every time people spoke to me, it was always about you. 'Where is Gu Xiao?' 'Aren't you close to him?' Did you know how sick I was to always hear that?"

"Even though I was always with you, it felt like the distance between us was bound to remain that way. But even so... you would still treat me..." His voice trailed off, and he eventually stopped talking overall.

"Why did you not tell me? I could have just stopped talking to you."

Seeing how dreadful Gu Xiao appeared to be, all He Rong could do was scoff from disbelief.

"Were you not listening to me? If you stopped talking to me, then I would be a nobody. Do I need to say it again? The only way I knew I was existing was because of you!"