To My Youth [BL]

[22] Recognition (1/2)

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘴𝘸𝘢𝘮 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘦, 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘶𝘯𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦.

Students started returning to holiday lessons before the first week of the last semester began. Lan Yuning was still surprised by the fact that He Rong was once Gu Xiao's stepbrother even if it was in the past.

Hearing the conversation between Gu Xiao and He Rong gave him a vague idea of what happened back in Shanghai, and he connected their conversation with what Zhang Yongyin had told him before.

To think he dated someone so toxic made him so disgusted by his blindness and choices.

Luckily, it was easy for Lan Yuning to cut him off before it got too bad, since he eventually had to move back to Beijing. Yet, it was difficult to overcome the damage He Rong had done to his self-esteem.

Even now, he was still learning to accept himself because He Rong's words shaped the idea of how his future relationships would probably turn out to be. That no one would probably love him for who he was at all.

The torment from the post breakup was something that slowly grew from the bottom of his stomach.

Lan Yuning didn't notice it at first, and he thought he would be fine, but the words He Rong said to him continued to nurture the torment that grew inside his stomach, ultimately strangling him.

"Lan Yuning, you are home?"

Lan Yuning nodded and took off his shoes. His mother's thin body and weak smile greeted him at the front door.

She opened her mouth and closed it, unsure of what to say to her son. The tense silence befell them as Lan Yuning put his shoes away and walked past her.

"Let's have dinner. It's been a long time since we all sat together."

Lan Yuning stopped walking, with his back still facing his mother.

She fiddled with her bracelet as the profound absence of their words was exchanged between them.

"...Ok."

She beamed a slight smile and rushed to the kitchen to set up the tables.

✎✎✎

The three sat at the dinner table, his father, mother, and him. And the silence grew more succinct, as though all noises existing in the world had sunk into the depths of the shore.

Even with the quiet tinkles of cutlery, the layers of silence only thickened and grew heavier. It was hard to breathe.

"Lan Yuning," his father called.

It was the same suffocating and deep voice that acted as hands that wrapped around his throat every time.

"Is there something happening at school?" he asked.

His mother's eyes quivered as she looked at their son, with her movements of putting the food in her mouth slowing down.

However, there was a sense of frustration smeared in her expression.

"No."

He lowered his chopsticks down and sighed. "Is this your way of rebelling?"

"Let's just eat," she pleaded in frustration.

It had been so long since they all sat down to eat, since both his father and mother were always on business trips.

Truthfully, it had been too long since Lan Yuning saw both his parents in the same room that there was a part of him that had forgotten they were even together.

Veins protruded from his forehead as he pointed to Lan Yuning with his finger trembling.

"You skipped your private lessons to go fool around? Do you think I don't know? I have heard that you arrived late to a class, and your marks are even lower than last time."

His mother was about to open her mouth, but his father continued, "You didn't even show up to your doctor's appointment. Do you know how hard it was to find space for you to book a time with him?"

After staying silent for the whole time, Lan Yuning asked, "Why?"

"What?"

"Why should I—"

"Lan Yuning!"

The resonating voice penetrated their ears and reverberated throughout the house, reflecting off the walls and ringing in their heads.

"Have you had enough time experimenting?"

He let his chopsticks down, but kept his gaze on his full plate. No matter what dish he ate, whether it was salted egg yolk prawns, steamed garlic tofu, or even the lemon water, they all tasted the same when he was at this table. Everything he ate, his tongue couldn't taste anything. It was all the same.

"Why are you sending people to follow me?"

"Follow? Can a parent not know what their child is up to?"

The dinner that he knew would be suffocating had turned into something he expected it to be, so he wasn't surprised by his father's fuming rage.

However, his words still strangled him.

He was unsure of what to feel about this full authority over one's life because they were simply strangers related by blood.

His father sighed and rubbed his temples. "This isn't even about your issues. What was his name? Gu Xiao?"

Lan Yuning's heart sunk, and he whipped his gaze at his father with his head washed in complete blankness.

In the evening, the dark clouds shrouded the sky with a dull gloom, and before they knew it, rain pounded their roof and washed the grounds with bitter wetness.

Even with the rain knocking on their windows, the shouting of meaningless words didn't bury itself with the muffles of the outside. It left Lan Yuning strangely cold, but ever since he was young, his body had a naturally lower temperature than everybody else, making it easier for him to feel cold and get sick.

"You skipped your lessons to go play with that boy. You arrived late. Your marks are lower. You have even learned to talk back," he repeated.

His mother's skin paled, and she gritted her teeth. "Can't we discuss this later?"

"Stop hanging out with him. He's not a good influence, especially since you should not be fooling around for the next few months."

It was rare for all three of them to eat dinner together. It was always either Lan Yuning with his father or with his mother. Separately. Since either of them would be away for work. Sometimes he skipped dinner just to avoid this oppressive tension.

This was the exact reason why he didn't want to eat, but deep down, he missed seeing his parents together. He always hoped that there would be one time when they could have a meal without it being so torturing and where it wouldn't feel like eating and sitting would be such a chore. Though he soon realised it was all hopeless wishing.

"I don't understand the point of this discussion if I can't say anything," Lan Yuning said.

"This is not a discussion. This is my final decision."

Lan Yuning looked at his mother, who sat still in aggravation. Before, she could let a few words escape her mouth, but now, she had turned entirely white that even her throat dried up.

He faced back to his father and stood up. "...If you have a problem with who I am, then I will make sure to leave your life as quietly as possible. I'm sorry for being like this."

Both of their faces dropped, but his father's heart soon swelled with a wave of lurching anger.

"Leave? Do you know the reason you are living such a lavish life is because of us? You are taking this for granted! I am only asking for so little, but you cannot even do that! Is it that hard to fix yourself through a couple of doctor appointments? Is it?"

Not listening to his father's words any further, Lan Yuning walked away and headed to his room.

"Lan Yuning! Come back now!"