To My Youth [BL]

[19] His Memory (4/6)

One day, I saw Wu Fei near the school's furnace.

He was holding onto that diary, and when he reached his arm towards the furnace, I immediately dashed to him and grabbed his wrist.

Yet, it was too late. The diary slipped out of his grasp and fell into the furnace.

At that moment, the book lit into a sea of flames. Scintillating red and yellow bands of scalding heat intertwined, slowly devouring the entire diary with its sparks and embers.

We stood before the bright-lit furnace, watching the flames dance like ghosts mourning for someone's death.

Not only did the fire consume the diary that brought upon a series of misfortunes, but it appeared that it was consuming his soul.

My heart stopped when I saw the book burning. I tried to reach for it, but Wu Fei dragged me back.

"What... what are you doing?! Are you stupid? You're going to burn yourself," Wu Fei panicked.

I whipped my head around. "I should be asking you that! Why did you burn it? Isn't it important to you?!"

"Important?"

A long silence lingered between us until Wu Fei spoke. "I should have never written anything in the first place. It's disgusting! It was all a mistake. I shouldn't even be having these feelings. Gu Xiao, why are you still talking to me?"

That question confused me, but I responded, "Because you are my friend."

"But... you know I don't see you that way. After everything that has happened, I'm sure you know how... I've tried really hard to not be like this. I tried not to be so gross, like what everyone says, but I can't. I've tried so hard to fix myself, but I feel so disgusting for being like this too!"

"There is nothing wrong with you. Then, let me say this. Although I can't return your feelings, don't invalidate them. It doesn't mean you're different or you're not normal, and it doesn't change the fact that you are still my friend. But the moment you call yourself disgusting for having these feelings, won't you be the same as those who ridicule you with their bigotry?"

"If I was never like this, then all of this would have never happened in the first place!"

The burst of Wu Fei's emotions was something foreign to me. He was always calm and collected and, of course, quiet. To see him pushed so far to his limit made me stunned. But it was to be expected.

"What would you know..." he mumbled, and my heart fell.

Wu Fei didn't say anything after that, and all I saw was pain drowning his eyes.

We didn't talk after he left. I didn't mention anything about the bullying because he didn't want me to. Was that a mistake?

✎✎✎

As weeks passed, he still continued working his best in terms of studying. But it was hard when his efforts were not seen as something admirable anymore.

All our classmates resented him. They thought it was contemptible to have someone like him even be in their class.

It was only now did I realise that, after every exam we received, and every time the ranking list came out, Wu Fei always remained silent for a while.

Ah, and then he would tear his papers secretly. Ripping. Crumpling. Shredding it apart.

"This is new! Congratulations Wu Fei for getting first place in class for the natural science exam. Gu Xiao, you are now in second, though the difference between you two was just half a mark," the teacher announced.