To My Youth [BL]

[11] Until the Seagulls Drown My Voice (3/5)

Mr. Shen inhaled and exhaled deeply. "You two are still so young. Realise your youth while you have it. Don't squander the gold of your days on behaving so tediously."

"I'm sure you both have many dreams and hopes that our school cannot provide for you. The entrance exams bring upon a lot of stress for some, and I know that well."

Putting immense pressure, increasing workload, trying to reach the expectations of their parents and society, some ended their lives before the test, ultimately reaching a tragic ending.

Although no one expressed their disappointment, some thought of how much of a fool they were. They were this close to achieving their goals that they worked years for, but they just wasted those years of suffering.

Yes, some said that those students were a complete fool.

A coward.

The outcome was all that mattered. Those who labelled them as a coward didn't consider their feelings during those years of burying their heads in their expectations. All of their hard work wasn't praised but pitied.

"Ah, it was a shame that he didn't make it till the end."

"Zhang Yongyin, aren't you training for the nationals? I thought you were aiming for a sports scholarship, so do you not think that what you did in that fight was a complete disrespect to martial arts? Did you start taekwondo to abuse that skill?" Mr. Shen scolded before pointing to Gu Xiao. "Thank goodness you didn't start choking Wang Xing."

Zhang Yongyin kept his head lowered, not saying a thing.

"Look, you didn't insinuate the fight, and if we look at your total scores, you are not passing your English and physics, but you are not very far from passing the class average. You just need to work on your fundamentals. You may cause trouble from time to time. Your behaviour is not usually that bad. I will let you off this time," he said to Zhang Yongyin.

"But—"

Gu Xiao nudged his elbow. "Just leave."

Zhang Yongyin clenched his fists and hesitantly walked out of the office. There was no one crowding around the outside anymore. All except one person.

"Gu Xiao, Gu Xiao, where should I start? I will need to call your father later and the other's parents. I haven't had time to talk about your school effort and behaviour in-depth, but seeing that you have started a fight, this is the right time. Your behaviour and even grades during your old school were quite excellent when we looked at your report card before your enrolment. You were ranked first throughout all years and in all your subjects. You have even won an English and debate competition. So, what happened when you transferred here?"

"Did I...?"

That was indeed a good question.

What happened?

He never had the time to exactly ponder on this question since he was so absorbed in living through this mundaneness.

Was Mr. Shen referring to when his path gradually drowned before him, and all he did was watch it be covered by his own ignorance?

Could he not tell?

If people could tell, then it meant his efforts in concealing it weren't enough. To his disappointment, Gu Xiao didn't have the ability to spell out everything character by character.

How could he possibly put everything into a couple of sentences when he couldn't even understand it himself?

"I know I should not be saying this as your teacher, but have you thought about pathways? School is not for everyone, so there is nothing to be ashamed of if this is not for you."

Gu Xiao understood those words immediately, and he was unsure what expression to put on or what Mr. Shen wanted him to feel.

When things got tough, when things got too hard to deal with, when things didn't work in the desired way anymore, it seemed like the only solution was to just run away before it got worse. To run away and give up was the ideal goal for certain people.

And sometimes, giving up wasn't too bad, as it allowed one to detach themselves from their struggles.

"Is it because of my academic skills? Or my financial stability?"

"You should try harder at school. Even if it's just paying more attention to lessons, you should try to put in some more effort," Mr. Shen sighed.

Hearing those words, Gu Xiao's finger slightly twitched. Those exact words pricked his heart every time. It was always those words:

"You should try harder. You should put more effort."

"You have barely put any effort into anything. If you look at your attitude towards school, or even in general, how would you expect yourself to get anywhere in life?"

"Maybe if you put in more effort, you wouldn't be like this."

A barbed wire wrapped around his throat, and he didn't know whether to speak or not. In truth, his grades had indeed been doing better than before because he was slowly finding the motivation to study again, but even after raising his marks by a little, it was still not enough.

After Mr. Shen kept lecturing him and eventually finished his sentence, Gu Xiao muttered under his breath. "I may not reach your expectations, or anyone's expectations at all. But I have really tried my best. Even if I..."

Gu Xiao tried. He really tried.

In Mr. Shen's case, even if he received a higher mark or behaved like the others, the first look he received from others was this judgemental stare.

Although they did it as a joke, and he also laughed it off, it still strained his heart. When he tried to put effort into something, all eyes were on him.

When he didn't put effort into anything, all eyes were still on him. Yet, even with all those beady stares, it still appeared that no one understood past the surface. Especially him.

That little by little, he was gradually decaying.