To My Youth [BL]

[29] A Disturbance (1/2)

𝘎𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦.

During the middle of the day, the parent-teacher interviews were on hold for a period since the third years gathered together for senior photos.

Some were fixing their hairs, some fixing the collar of their uniforms—just ten minutes of displaying their most sophisticated version of themselves.

When the photos finished, they immediately returned to their "I just woke up" appearance.

While walking back to the senior building, Song Anwen came up to Gu Xiao and Zhang Yongyin, asking, "Are you two going to go to the Spring Festival?"

"I'll probably have to stay home to take care of my grandmother," Zhang Yongyin responded.

Song Anwen and Zhang Yongyin glanced at Gu Xiao, who stayed silent, his eyes still drifting off into the distance.

"Is Gu Xiao alright?" Song Anwen asked.

"He's been like that after his interview."

Lan Yuning was busy marking the students' names off as they walked off the stools, but Gu Xiao's quietness still reached his attention.

A girl dashed to Gu Xiao, her eyes red and swollen with anxiousness. It was Gu Heiyu.

"What happened?" Gu Xiao asked.

"Where is dad?"

"He left back to work. Why?"

Seeing Gu Heiyu so horrified snatched away his breath as though he had been running for a long time. It suffocated him.

A burning sensation coursed throughout his lungs that, despite the air blowing against him, he couldn't breathe anything in.

It had been so long since he saw her cry, and usually when she did, he would make fun of her, but he knew the tears that stung her eyes were because of something serious.

She handed him a piece of paper.

"This fell from dad's pocket. I'm going to go find him just in case he does something weird."

Before Gu Xiao could respond, Gu Heiyu ran past school gates that not even the teachers or security guard could stop her.

The third years strolled back into their classrooms and slumped their tired bodies down onto their seats.

Lan Yuning had never been paying attention to the teacher since the start. He stared at the boy next to him, who produced the impression that his mind was no longer on Earth. Instead, it was floating somewhere out of reach.

With the words of the teacher and the gliding of pens, Gu Xiao's vision blanked out as he stared at the paper in front of him with his arms lying on his lap while others had theirs on their tables.

This series of endless reminiscences, surviving each day, the times when he made mistakes, the times when he fell, the times when he was alive, the times when he was happy, the time when his life was no longer empty.

Everything passed so instantaneously that he didn't even have time to stop and think about them properly.

Right now, he was pleased. He was having fun. The words that he yearned for...

He finally heard them. To see his father's smile. To be relaxed. To be surrounded by people who didn't suffocate him.

Gu Xiao pulled out the piece of paper Gu Heiyu handed him.

A surge of uncertainty passed over him, as he wasn't sure whether he should unfold it, since it belonged to their father. But his curiosity took over his hands, and he stretched out the crumpled letter.

____________________________

I'm sorry. I couldn't give you the love of a parent. I couldn't give you the support of a father. I couldn't hold birthday parties and book venues. I couldn't cook delicious warm meals.

You both couldn't invite your friends to our small house because you were afraid that I would come home drunk. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But you see, your dad is a coward. I am a coward. Sometimes I avoid coming home because I'm sure the atmosphere is better when I'm not around.

In just a blink of an eye, you two have grown up so much. Gu Xiao, I remember seeing you struggle to walk with me with your own tiny feet, but you have grown much taller than me. I can't dare lift my head to look at your face. Gu Heiyu, I remember when you used to always pick fights with the kids in your school, but you seem to have toned down on that now.

Where has the time truly gone? Before I could even take a good look at you two, my eyes had already gone bad. My hair has grown white. Wrinkles have covered my face. I can no longer walk with a straight back.

I'm sorry I couldn't take care of you two properly, like other families. I'm afraid that I am only a nuisance, and my appearance will only cause the two of you more harm.

Maybe if you two didn't have me as a father, your lives would be much better. Maybe you wouldn't be worrying about how to afford school fees, transport fees, what to eat, so it doesn't exceed the budget.

Gu Xiao, the money that you tried hard to save in that small container. The money that was stolen away. I tried hard to protect the jar. But I'm sorry. I was too weak. I tried hard to stop them from taking the money away, but I couldn't even do that.

I can't support you like your auntie. I have grown old, and I am still so immature. I will not ask for forgiveness because I do not deserve it.

What kind of father does not even know their child's dreams? I was so confident that you wanted to become a lawyer. You used to always read about Clarence Darrow, if I remember correctly. Was he a famous lawyer? It seems I do not even know my son's dreams.

I have paid off most of my debt, but I still feel like I have not redeemed myself. I will take on more jobs to save some expenses for you both in the future, so don't worry about it and chase your dreams. Gu Heiyu too. I hope I can give you an allowance to buy pretty clothes because I think girls like them nowadays. I don't know.

So, I apologise for the times I have embarrassed and humiliated you both.

Thank you for accepting me as your father.

I'm happy to have children like you two. I'm afraid that there will be a time when my eyes can no longer see or when I can no longer remember anything.

I am very proud of you both. I hope we can eat dinner together more often.