They Don't Know About Us

A Thousand Words To Say "I Love You"

Kailing,

Kenny gave me the heads up that I'm going to have to write a letter for you. It's either that or make a speech, so I'll just pour my heart out in paper. It's less embarrassing that way, and besides, this is my letter for you. The only person that needs to see and read this is you.

I wish Kenny gave me the heads up months before, so I could prepare. Last minute things like this make me feel nervous, but I'm going to try. I want to be able to express my deepest thoughts without having to worry about time.

Time. Speaking of the devil.

Yes, time isn't always positive like we were so used to hearing.

"Time is gold."

"Time is treasure."

"Time is priceless."

And it is.

I'm grateful for the time I got to know you, for the time well spent with you. I'm thankful for the times of laughter and adventures, for the times of comfort and peace that I feel when I'm with you. I'm thankful for the time I had with you.

But eventually, time becomes selfish. It tends to rob you of comfort, of joy, and even peace.

You're getting married, and I wish I can only say that I'm happy for you. However, the truth is, I am bombarded with a mixture of emotions, good and bad. The time I had spent with you brought me feelings I've never felt in a while. It's refreshing, but it's also terrifying. I don't know what it is or how you do it, all I know is that our time together may not be perfect, but I've never felt so alive and free, so cared for and loved—which makes it even more terrifying.

You made me feel things again, and that's scary. I thought I was content being alone, working almost 24/7 without no room for leisure and friends—not that I have any. But when you came, suddenly, the world seems more animated. The flowers bloom, the birds sing, the trees are alive. Ang OA, I know, but somehow, I feel like happiness just follows you everywhere you go, and I'm blessed I get to be around your blissful presence.

But just like any good thing, something scary lurks around, and I am deathly afraid. This freedom I feel when I'm with you threatens to knock down my walls, and I can't help but feel vulnerable. I am so scared of what knocking my walls down can do to you and to me. Sometimes, I wonder why we can't just be happy all the time. Why can't just things go our way all the time? Why can't life be always in our favor? Why must negativity always follow close by—seemingly ready to attack any time?

This is when I realized that what I feel for you is stronger than anything I've ever felt for anyone before.

Kai, I love you.

And because of the love I have for you, I learned to jump despite the risk of falling.

My love for you is the one that helps me to constantly show up despite the voice in my head ordering me around, telling me to isolate myself and leave you hanging. "It's what's best for you," the thought would always say.

But because of my love for you, I always came. I came because somehow, disappointing you is also like disappointing myself. Hurting you means hurting myself.

That's why I always show up. I show up because of the love I have for you. I show up because that love fuels the fire inside me. That fire makes me long for you more. That fire demands emotions to be felt and time to be spent.

And I have no regrets whatsoever.

As joyous as I feel when I'm with you, like everything else, love unfortunately has pain as its shadow.

Because of my love for you, I must also be willing to sacrifice.

When you love someone, you should always have that person's best interest—even if it means having to let them go.

It pains me just to think about it, but I think the dreaded time has come.

It's time for me to let you go.

I must pack my feelings for you because the world I can only offer you is that of sorrow and pain.

Imagine the battleground we'll have to go through if I let you stick with me.

As painful as it can be, my love for you is willing to sacrifice. That love allows me to endure. I'd rather take in all the pain than have to drag you into that dark battlefield with me. I'm not going to risk you getting hurt. I want you to be safe. I want you to be well. I just want what's best for you because I love you.

I love you

And I'm willing to let you go because of the love I feel for you.

I love you.

My world has never been the same, so from the bottom and deepest parts of my heart, I thank you.

I love you

And because of the love I have for you, I saw some light left in me that only makes its presence known whenever I'm with you.

I love you.

That's why I'm doing my best not to hurt you.

I love you.

I just want what's best for you.

I love you.

I don't want to hold you back that's why I'm letting go of you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I don't know what else to say to you. It took me a while to figure it out, but this I know is true:

I love you and my heart beats strongly for you and only you.

I love you and I wish I could live my life with you.

I love you, it's true.

But Kai, I'm sorry, because I can't fall in love with you.

Love,
Sashing