Is It Ever Enough?

Chapter 50

I need to toss an additional trigger warning in front of this chapter. We talk about some heavy topics in this story, and I'm sure if you have made it this far, you're well aware of the potential contents. This next bit will contain rather graphic and precise descriptions of disordered eating behaviors. I strive to achieve the fine balance between realistically depicting Maya's sorted relationship with her body and food at the hands of her father, while also remaining sensitive to a very real, very convoluted disorder. If I am missing here, if I have made a mistake and handled something with anything less than the utmost care, please feel safe and comfortable to reach out to me and correct me. Lane Bishop was a monster that molded so much of Maya harmfully, and I want to bring light to that.

That being said. Please read with care. Please, be kind and gentle to yourself. My DMs are always open.

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Maya stares at her reflection in the bubbling water cooler in front of her as Andy's footsteps fade down the hallway. The water splashes unevenly against the sides of the bottle as her hands shake and struggle to maintain their grip. The clammy, sweaty texture to her skin hadn't left since she began withdrawing from the drugs. The pale pallor to her appearance felt in sync with the ghost she had become.

And although Maya's isolation was her own doing, it still didn't feel great. She longed for Carina's light, for the chance to love her, to return Carina's softness and protection. Maya didn't feel safe anywhere without her. She was her safety. She made Maya brave. The loneliness Maya felt had sunk even further into her bones. They ached for Carina. For her touch. Her gentleness.

She felt starved. Deprived of the simplicity that came with Carina's presence. It felt like each day they spent apart, the memory of their weekend together, their confession, the declaration of love slipped further from her grasp, further from her control.

The curve of Carina's perfect nose, the beauty mark that graced her cheek, the roundness of her hips, the dimples on her back, that fucking smile. Maya was greedy for it. She needed it.

Maya felt like a cold, shivering and deprived shell, wishing and crying out for someone to wrap a blanket around her battered frame and clutch her close. She willed for Carina to clutch her close, to keep her safe, to feel okay in letting go of control.

The longing haunted Maya. And reminded her that no matter how strong the love, how grafeul the beauty, how intense the connection; she'll never fully be able to trust anyone. She can't let them in. She can't break her rules. This is what happens when you break the rules.

Her body itched and craved the butterflies, the effortless vulnerability she felt around Carina. The obsession is much tougher to kick than any drug. Maya was hooked.

The itch and sting to her body felt like fire, like cyanide, like salt in a wound. The lack of control over her body and it's reaction to the absence of drugs and the agony over Carina was driving Maya nothing short of insane. The walls were closing in, and she was grasping at anything. Clawing her nails and digging at anything she could to form a sense of release, a sense of numb, a sense of control.

There were a lot of feelings swirling around her mind, all fighting for attention and a chance in the spotlight. They began to swarm and overtake her inner monologue the second she hit the stop button on the treadmill.

Before she had fully left the gym, there was one towering voice commanding above them all. It was much stronger than the others. Pushing that sweet, rambling, self conscious Maya to the corner where she belonged. It had been for weeks now.

Since Carina left.

Where do you think you're going? Gotta check.

Maya sighs, the weight of the words resting heavily on her frame, rattling it as she drags her feet back over to the treadmill and pulls her phone out of her leggings pocket, using her gym towel to wipe the screen dry from residual sweat.