Is It Ever Enough?

Chapter 5

Ask and you shall receive. If you have any comment or suggestions, feel free to drop em.✌🏻————————————————————————The sun peeking above the horizon, casting the faintest rays on Maya as she sat on the ground, chest heaving as she works to catch her breath. She glances down at her watch and realizes she's been running for hours. "Shit. I need to get back before everyone wakes up. I should have never left. Abandoning  your shift in the middle of it because you can't handle your dad telling it to you straight? That you got fat and complicit in your position of power?" Maya mutters, her voice laced with disgust and a hidden tone of anxiety. Maya knows better, and deep down her true self knows she can't continue like this, and that she isn't okay. She knows it was a mistake to allow herself to run when she was that upset. But secretly, she deviously likes the abuse she puts herself through, she knew this run would be painful and she chose to do it anyway. That self loathing and pain hungry part of her was in control more often than the sweet, sensitive and brave Maya these days.

Blood stained and rain soaked, she picks herself up and begins to limp back to the station as the sun begins peaking further into the sky.

Blood dripping down her arms and chin , she stumbles through the doors, still heavily subdued by the dissociative trance that her run had provided and heads straight to her bed, only to lock eyes with Jack who rushes over to her, a look of shock and worry painted on his face.

"Whoa, Maya, you're bleeding, are you okay? What happened? It's been several hours..."

Maya stares blankly at Jack, not fully processing where she was or who was in front of her. For a split second, Maya softened into the touch of Jack's arms stabilizing her from swaying, her expression loosened, almost cracking with vulnerability. Her baby blue eyes darted between Jack's, almost pleading for help and for comfort. Anything that could break Maya from the pain she was destined to feel once her runner's high fades. Jack stares at her worriedly, his chest panging with guilt and concern for his friend, ex girlfriend and coworker. The softness and beauty of Maya's eyes is something he still found himself getting lost in, platonically of course. Regardless of their affiliation now, that sentiment comes with absolute innocent intentions. There was just something about Maya's eyes that provided one with a look into what she was truly feeling. Maya was an expert at hiding her demons 99% of the time, her eyes were the one thing she could never fully control and Jack knew it.

Her ocean blues glanced up, displaying the pure fear and sadness that she so deeply felt but couldn't communicate. In that moment, Jack's heart sinks, and the reality of Maya's pain, torment and terror finally becomes evident to him. He glances at the blood streaking down her chin and places his finger under her jaw, tilting it for a better look at the damage. This snaps Maya out of her dissociative state. The moment left as fast as it came, as Maya is back to the present moment. She shakes her head and her eyes wash over, darkening in color as a storm of gray moves in. Too close. Too soft. In an attempt to close Jack off and freeze him out, Maya shoves herself out of Jack's grasp. Hurricane Maya begins to kick up speed.

She furrows her brow and barks "Step off Jack, I am fine. I'll clean up myself. I'm going to finish up paperwork alone. Resume captain duties for the rest of the shift." and with that, Maya turns rather quickly, hauling her aching and damaged body into her bathroom. She began cleaning out her cuts on her knees and hands, only to her surprise, she didn't wince at the stinging as she applied peroxide to her cuts.

"Hmm" she smirked and slightly smiled, that pain feels good. Too good. The euphoria from the runner's high and the release from the searing pain consumed her current disposition and she smiled slightly to herself,

I deserve this pain.

Damn, that is something I could get used to.

Maya then began to address the cut on her chin, taking the peroxide soaked gauze to her skin and then following the trail of blood that had run down between her breasts under her shirt. She removed her shirt to continue wiping the blood up, only to stop with a sharp inhale as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Clad in nothing but a sports bra and pants, Maya fully took her appearance in. The negative thoughts began flooding her mind for a second time. Maya cannot stop the swirling thoughts as she picks her appearance apart. As she pinches and pulls at her non existent fat, The thought of the vulnerability she showed Jack prances to the front of her mind.

Why can't I allow anybody in? Jack is just trying to help. He takes me home every night and I never say thank you. He thinks I black out and don't remember but I do. I remember every single time he has gone out of his way to throw an arm around me and carry me home. I wish I was the type of drunk who blacked out, then maybe it would hurt less when I end up going home with another guy or girl expecting sex from me, expecting me to allow them to use me however they like and dispose of me. I'm constantly marked and bruised from various people having their way with me. And I take it, I give my consent because the pain is what I want. Jack never even stays the night. It's comforting when I'm shit-faced to have someone to go home with that doesn't hurt me. I wish I could tell Jack that I remember every time he was there for me. Why can't I just let someone in my head so they can take some of this pain off of me? Why am I so broken?

Maya's thoughts have now beaten her to the point of a frenzy yet again.

Frustrated that she worked herself up again, she wads her bloody shirt into a ball and heaves it at the mirror, followed shortly by her first. Shattering the mirror and sending several shards through her already bloody knuckles. Blood sprays over her sink, the velvet liquid staining the bright white porcelain. Sighing, she finds solace in the pain she is feeling and is able to take a full breath and calm down. She quietly cleans up her bathroom, wrapping her hand in a few bandages, ignoring the severed flesh in her hand between her knuckles that very evidently needs stitches.
"I'll have to stitch that later. Not sure how I'll manage that, but fuck it".

She throws on a tank top and trudges to the kitchen, deciding she should probably eat something for the first time all day. She decides on toast & some fruit, eating it quietly in the dimmed lights of the kitchen. Jack walks in, unaware that Maya is sitting in the corner.

"I remember, you know." Maya utters, her voice hoarse from crying and thick with exhaustion.

Jack jumps, startled at her voice. He turns his back from the fridge and shoots Maya a puzzled look, urging her to elaborate.

"When you take me home at night, I remember. I never black out. Doesn't matter how much I drink, I remember it all." She whispers, looking down as she fights the flash of hazy memories out of her mind and somehow keeping her tears at bay. She wants to thank Jack, but she's unsure if that would even suffice at this point.

Jack nods solemnly, gazing at Maya's injured hand and skinnier frame, eventually meeting her gaze with empathy and understanding. "Do you wish you could forget? Is that why you drink?"

Maya pauses for a moment, fully absorbing Jack's inquiry. She takes a pointed breath, walking up to Jack and placing her hand on his shoulder, and cracking an honest, tired and broken smile.

"Something like that. Have a good morning, Lieutenant." as she puts her plate in the sink and walks back to her office, getting ready to pack her things and head home. Hanging in the doorway a little longer, she faces Jack once again, several quiet tears streaming down her cheeks "Thank you, Gibson."

Jack nods in acknowledgement and turns to make himself some breakfast and a separate portion for Andy. He was due to pick her up as soon as his shift was over. The feeling of hurt and admiration for Maya's strength heavy on his mind as he starts cooking. He pulls out his phone and texts his group chat of Vic, Dean Andy and Travis;

"Maya is not okay. What are we going to do? We are failing her."

Thanks for reading. Have a bitchin' day, wherever you are. ✌🏻