Is It Ever Enough?

Chapter 30

There's no place I'd rather be

Maya stares at herself in the bathroom mirror, gripping the sides of the sink with white knuckles as she spits into the sink, having excused herself from the group to vomit quietly in the bathroom. She felt her hands start to shake and her belly doing flips and realized that she hadn't taken her meds since 4am and her body was beginning to withdraw. She knew better than to take them with straight alcohol, but she's left no choice than the few remaining sips of her warm beer.

Carina is going to be so disappointed in me. I can't even go a day without feeling dope-sick. I'm pathetic.

She thumbs over her sharp jawline, observing her blotchy cheeks from throwing up and her dark, harrowingly back eyes from lack of sleep. She splashes some water on her face to try and combat the flush color and keep her sharp; the combo of oxy and alcohol seemed to bog her down. She felt slightly woozy and slurred, the effects lulling her to a drunken stupor. She knows better than to walk out there like this, Carina will see straight through it. She needs to come back to earth, to ground a little.

She produces her pocketknife from her jacket pocket. Her trusty Leatherman multitool, made right here in the Northwest. She flicks it open with a snap and the sheer sound of the metal clicking into place transplants her back to the first day she had the tool.

Her dad had bought it for her, ironically enough, when they were on a family trip in Oregon when Maya was a young adult, fresh out of high school. Well, if you consider a vacation just staying in Eugene while Maya and her dad relentlessly trained for two weeks before the Olympic Trials began.

Her dad had rewarded her with a genuine, handmade Leatherman as a gift for how hard she had trained and the amazing times she put up in the trials. She had qualified for the Olympics, much to her dad's amusement. He had proudly praised her to anyone that would listen, showing her off as they went about visiting distant family on their trip throughout Oregon. But behind closed doors, the pattern or verbal abuse and beratement over her social skills, her performance and running form or her eating habits would continue.

The several weeks before the trials were brutal. He screamed at her any chance he got, which was almost as bad as the lurking iron fist he held over her while they were in public, the glances, the harsh grips of her forearm and the sighs and comments about what she ate while at dinner with her teammates. The constant walking on eggshells had built the wave of anxiety waiting to crash within Maya.

Her nerves were absolutely shot by the time the trials were over. Press tours, clothing company endorsements and meetings with the Olympic trainers and coaches had pushed Maya to completely exhaust her social and emotional batteries. People touching her, praising her, talking to her, the constant need for performing and seeming perfect, smile for the camera, look here, eat this, don't drink this, wear these clothes this day and make sure you stand tall. It depleted her soul, mind and body. It was agonizing, far worse than any run her dad had forced her on.

And Lane knew it. He saw that she was faking it and making shaky impressions, he knew that this was her future, and she was blowing it; cracking under the pressure.

So when they would finally get a moment alone. Lane would pounce, all over her like prey that he had been stalking all day. Unleashing insults and comments and backhands to her face. The trials were over, it wasn't necessary to hide the black eyes anymore.

Maya hadn't shared the same joy and overzealous energy that her father had when she had won. She felt sick, dirty, and discouraged. Like an imposter, she was living her dad's dreams and life and she felt like a liar, like her own life didn't belong to her.

That night, after the Olympic trials concluded, her family went back to their respective hotels and Maya stayed in the suite Nike had provided her upon signing their endorsement contract. It was the nicest room Maya had ever slept in. The bathroom was bigger than her parents living room, and it had an amazing view of Autzen stadium and the surrounding city of Eugene. Tall Douglas fir trees kissed the pink skyline as she sat with the balcony doors open to listen to the world around her. She tried everything she could, to drown out the intrusive and sinister thoughts swirling in her mind.