Hot for the Nanny

Chapter Fourteen: Running From the Past

"One more time, daddy!" Hallie grins, clinging to my shoulder as she climbs out of the water and onto my back.

We've already been out here swimming for close to two hours, and I have no idea how I'm going to get her out of the pool. Yesterday at the beach was all she needed and now the girl has turned into a fish. She'd barely gotten out of bed this morning before she was asking to go to the pool, and when she gave me that little grin, I was absolutely helpless against her.

This is about the tenth "one more time" she's asked for, and it probably won't be the last. She's got to be exhausted, but she doesn't let it stop and you've got to admire that tenacity. I chuckle, pulling her up into my arms and catapulting her into the air. She lands in the water about four feet from me and she is giggling the moment she comes up for air.

"One more time!"

I'm not falling for that again. My arms are about to fall off, so I tactfully convince her to swim on her own for a while with only minimal bribery. I Amy not have this whole parenting thing figured out yet, but I do know that I can get Hallie to do just about anything that I ask if I promise to take her to the park. The way I see it, it's a win-win. She's getting fresh air and doing something active, and it usually stops what protesting or tantruming she's doing in its tracks.

When I moved into this place, the pool was the last thing on my mind. As far as I was concerned, it was the least important amenity they offer, but now that I have Hallie, it's absolutely perfect. Almost all of it is shallow enough that she can touch, and the front end even has a play structure and fountains that could keep her entertained for hours. I can't believe it's taken me so long to find this hidden gem.

With Hallie occupied by the fountains, I sit down on one of the beach chairs to towel off and I notice a woman at the other end of the pool. She's pretty enough. Blonde hair tucked underneath a wide brim hat, crocheted bikini that she's nearly spilling out of, dark sunglasses she thinks mask the way she keeps eyeing me. Every few minutes, she gets up and adjusts herself so the sun hits her just right and evens out her tan. When she notices me looking, she smiles and gives me a little wave.

It feels almost disrespectful not to go over there and the person I was a few months ago might have gone and said hello. Maybe asked her out for a few drinks or a concert in the park or something like that. Gotten to know her and maybe gone on a few more dates. But right now, all of that just sounds exhausting. Dating is the furthest thing from my mind.

At some point, it would be nice to date again, but between Hallie and work, there isn't room for anything else on my mind. Well, that's not entirely true, because for the last few weeks, Lila is constantly running through it, too. And considering she lives down the hall from me, she's not as easy to avoid as I'd like.

I can't lie—her rejection last night stung more than it should have, especially after I thought we had connected all afternoon. Maybe that was exactly the problem, though. I know she's right, but it doesn't make me want her any less. And when she's sensible and mature like she was last night, it's even worse, because I realize she's not just drop dead gorgeous, she's a good person. She's compassionate and convicted, and the way she cares about Hallie wrecks me. She's the kind of woman I could actually see myself settling down with. Starting a life with. Starting a family. It's stupid, and it's crazy, but I can't seem to help it.

My feelings didn't start that way. I thought it might be one of those things where we could hook up and I'd get it out of my system and we'd be able to move on, but that's certainly not the case anymore. I know it would never be that easy.

Lila was right about someone getting the wrong idea, but it's certainly not her or Hallie. It's me.

"Daddy, I'm hungry!" Hallie pops up at the side of the pool, holding onto the wall.

Finally.

"Alright, baby. Let's go have some lunch." I stand up as she climbs the ladder and gets out. Wrapping her in her towel, we get the rest of our things and head back to the apartment. At this point, Lila probably thought we drowned.

When we get upstairs, Hallie goes to her room to pick out some clothes and I head into the kitchen. It's cleaner than I left it. Which is usually par for the course with Lila. I don't see her anywhere, but when I see the door to the side of the kitchen open, I freeze.

Oh, god. Please don't tell me...

Lila is in my music room, and when I clear my throat she whirls around, eyes wide in confusion and amazement. She runs her fingers along the strings of my guitar, a soft tone filling the air.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" I growl. Just walking in here sucks the air right from my lungs. It's like a time machine that holds no prisoners.

"I was trying to put the teddy bear with Hallie's mom's things. I thought you said this was a storage room, but it's... Ryan, this is incredible. You've been holding out on me. Why haven't you mentioned that you used to be a rockstar?"

"I wasn't a rockstar, Lila." I roll my eyes. "I started a cover band in high school with my buddies and we wrote a couple of catchy songs. That's it."

"That doesn't look like it." She points to the wall where my first platinum record hangs. I can't even bring myself to look at it, and all I can think about is getting her out of here. "That's a platinum record. You've got three."

Four, actually. I just never made it to the studio to pick that one up. It's probably collecting dust in some basement somewhere, just like the ruins of my music career.

"Lila, I told you to stay out here." I snatch the teddy bear out of her hand and toss it against the wall. It knocks against one of the picture frames and the frame falls to the ground with a huge thud. "If I catch you in here again, I'll... I'll fire you."

She swallows, uneasy green eyes falling away from mine. "Ryan, I'm sorry. I had no idea..."

"Just get out, okay?" I clench my jaw, raking my fingers through my hair in frustration and anger. I'm angry that she walked in here and found all of this. Angry that I'm angry with her for something so silly. Angry that all of this shit still affects me the way it does.

"Daddy!" Hallie calls, appearing at the door. "I found some clothes. Hi Lila!"

"Hi Hallie!" Lila plasters a smile on her face, bending down. "How about I help you with that and get lunch started while daddy has a few minutes?"

"Okay!" Hallie agrees enthusiastically, grabbing Lila's hand and tugging her down the hall.

Lila glances back over her shoulder with a pained expression and then disappears.

When I'm alone, it's even worse. Almost every demon I've got is staring me in the face when I'm in this room, and it's suffocating.

The instruments and the awards and the accolades. All of it feels like it's taunting me. Like the walls are closing in. I've tried so hard to forget this part of my life, and I've kept this room shuttered, hoping it might all disappear. I used to be proud of it, but now it's just a gut-wrenching reminder of what I used to do. Who I used to be. A dream I used to have.

And everything I gave up.

I should have taken all of this shit down a long time ago, and then we wouldn't be in this mess. One look around the room and it all comes rushing back to me. It was everything I ever dreamed about when I was young, and I had it. I had the life most people could only dream about, but then it was taken from me quicker than I ever could have imagined. I thought I had reconciled all of this long ago, but as I stand here, it's painfully obvious that I haven't. Or that bringing Hallie home has sparked those old feelings right up again.

Whatever the reason, something tells me it's not going to be as easy to shove away as it's been in the past.

The parallels between then and now are all too real and, as tough as it sounds, I'm going to have to face it all.

I can't run from the past forever.