19 // "I'm Glad I'm Not A Girl But I'm Saying That From A Place Of Privilege"

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Despite inhabiting another body; Blessing has mildly enjoyed gazing at her beautiful self from the outside. She's also realised something; that she in fact as beautiful as she has made herself believe and the testimonies from other peers has confirmed that fact. What she's not so fond, what she seems to have not been able to shake off since year eight, is being the apparent token black girl.

That black girl who hangs out with all those white people, that black girl who goes to raves and hasn't been to a bashment rave, that black girl who is attracted to white guys, that black girl who's friends with white people so they don't think they're racist, that black girl who is pretty... for a black girl. Blessing feels tired having to defend herself continuously and educate others; at times she wishes she was ignorant of all the micro-aggressions around her and was so narrow minded she actually thinks white feminism is the only way forward.

Nevertheless this is the world she lives in and she needs to fight. As of now her main concern is her own little body and the well-being of Nathan. The whispers and rumours flitting round the campus haven't gone unnoticed and despite two polar stories riding parallel along one another she knows the truth. It's been awhile since she's seen Nathan but she made sure to stay away from him so she could divulge in the information surrounding her and come to a conclusion.

When Blessing thinks about it, she didn't really need to sit and listen to what the other students had to say, she was just too afraid to see the fear and trepidation in her own brown bambi eyes. As the days went on, the other rumour was laughable and it worried Blessing to think they believed such a sketchy narrative. Why on earth would she, someone is apparently so enamoured by white boys, turn her attention to a group unruly, quite frankly disgusting black boys because she is "roasting"?  Before she can muster the courage to knock on her own apartment door, she finds her own little self smiling kindly up at her,

"You're disturbing my prayer," Blessing attempts to joke weakly,

"Nice try my find, I always pray after dinner," Nathan replies sauntering in but there's a weakness to it, a lack of confidence,

"How're you feeling?" Blessing asks after a couple of minutes of awakened stifled silence,

"Well I've been thinking a lot and I have come to the conclusion that I'm glad I'm not a girl but I'm only saying that from a place of privilege," Nathan explains folding the arms across the chest. Raising the eyebrow, Blessing is surprised at Nathan's comment and welcomes it with open arms,

"Don't worry though, everyone on campus knows the truth," Blessing states and she can feel the body going red with anger. Shrugging the shoulders languidly, Nathan walks over to the window and realises that it's eerily empty but this time he likes it. All the world's eye turned away from him,

"I'm ready to come home Blessing, are you?" Nathan whispers turning away from the window to face himself. Blessing would've thought that she'd say yes immediately but the words are stuck in the throat. She would've been ready to return but that was before the assault. She doesn't want to carry the added stress of the assault, the trauma, the fear, the fact that it didn't actually happen to her but it happened to her body. She doesn't want the pitiful stares, the words of encouragement from her friends. She doesn't want to see the group of boys laughing and sauntering around campus knowing they've most likely got away with it. If only Nathan can hold for a just a couple of more days so Blessing can mentally prepare herself then she'll be ready to come. She realises that it's not fair. It's not his reality and unfortunately it's hers. A fatefully common reality. Blessing continues gazing at herself with an expression of despair and Nathan simply sighs,

"It's okay Blessing, you've always been a selfish person anyway," the expression of despair swiftly morphs into anger as Blessing furrows the brow,

"And who the fuck are you?" Blessing retorts back but not as harshly as she normally would've done,

"My name is Nathan Abdul Shallah and I'm a 19 year old Muslim student.
My I also add that I'm a very good looking Muslim student," Rolling her eyes, Blessing let's out a small chuckle before Nathan returns to her apartment. The morning light blinks into evening and Blessing can hear Nathan's friends enter the hall,

"Hello Nathe, this came in the post for you today," Sam claps her on the shoulder and produces a fancy white envelope. This is the first time she's been presented with an envelope that's not from Nathan's parents and she looks at it curiously through narrowed eyes,

"Geez Nathan its not a bomb just open it," Sam says rolling his eyes as he opens the fridge door. Giving Sam a slide glance, Blessing tears the envelope open neatly and begins reading absent-minded but the heart ruptures within the chest. Her stone cold demeanour hasn't gone unnoticed as Sam asks,

"What is it?" After no answer, Sam gingerly with his index finger brings the envelope to him and looks down slowly before realisation dawns on him,

"Nathan your parents want to see you. Your real parents."




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