4 // "For Your Eyes Only B X"

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4.

Gathering from the length between the texts and the lack of them now, Blessing realises Nathan has fallen asleep much to her annoyance. They've made a pact that they are going to discontinue their unofficial competition of who can get around the campus first. Despite this she is curious to know how it feels to be the train entering the tunnel as opposed to the tunnel being entered by the train.

The campus they are on is rather large and Blessing once mistakenly calculated in one of her boring lectures that Nathan would win the unsolicited competition. This calculation was purely based on the fact that on their floor for every girl there were two guys. Blessing became internally enraged and continued to be so throughout the entire until she'd had a nap and slept of her anger.

Annoyed, Blessing flicks through Nathan's phone and peaks at his group chats which she finds surprisingly funny. She thought they'd be filled with derogatory pictures and words about women with a sprinkle of objectification but instead the group chats are filled with funny memes and roasts. Cocking her head from side to side, Blessing continues scrolling through and soon realises that the rest of the boys are asking for Nathan to respond.

Circling her thumbs over the keyboard, Blessing thrums through her head for a Nathan like response but gives up and gives a dead response. Clicking off the group chat, Blessing scrolls through Nathan's camera roll which unsurprisingly is full off girl's pictures and nudes and the odd meme. Something catches her attention and she clicks on the picture and gasps sharply and drops the phone. Cupping the hand over the mouth, Blessing gazes around the room shocked and dismayed and forces herself to gaze at the picture.

The screenshot is clearly buried in the thousands of other pictures but it's still there undeniably on his phone. The picture is from two years ago and she remembers it vividly in her mind as if yesterday. With much discomfort, Blessing reads the caption she typed "For your eyes only b x" and her stomach drops. The whole body begins shaking and she begins shaking the arms trying to calm herself down. Nausea overcomes the body but Blessing inhales and exhales deeply, trying to calm herself down. She wishes there and then that she can run into Lana's arms and tell her what she's discovered.

The fact that this dickhead Nathan hasn't deleted the nude that she sent him two years ago infuriates her. When she thought she'd finally escape to uni and be far away from his putrid handsome face, she finds out that he's going to the same uni as her. Nevertheless, it's a large campus and she'll hardly ever see him. That wasn't the case.

They moved in on the same day around the same day, late in the golden afternoon in mid-September much to her disgust and she unfortunately realised that they crossed paths at least three times in the morning on the way to one another lectures. He seemed to enjoy. He would smirk, wink and sarcastically wave in her direction in an attempt to make her feel small but she refused to let him belittle her. Not when she can start all over again.

Afraid of what she might discover, Blessing forces herself to go back to the main group chat and realises that nothing has been shown there and she moves to the smaller group chat between him and the boys in the flat. Tears begin pricking at the eyes when she scrolls through the media content of the chat and finds her photo amongst various memes and the odd picture.

He's somehow managed to get to her again. When she believes she's started anew he's gone out to destroy her. Boys have never really paid attention to Blessing; at least not as attentively and viciously as those in uni so when Nathan, the heart throb of the year even glanced in her direction she jumped at the chance hoping something might manifest. She was so stupid. She sent him that picture hoping to capture his attention but instead it backfired, he showed the nude to a couple of his mates which spread around the year.

Inwardly humiliated, Blessing put on an indifferent front even when the slut shaming and name calling began. She made sure no-one saw or heard her cry in her free periods and would smile when people questioned her about it. Her lack of a futile response meant the entire incident was swept swiftly under the carpet and everyone moved onto the next big thing. If people were reacting this way over a nude, how would they react when they found that Blessing had lost her virginity to Nathan?

As Blessing gazes down at her nude in the group chat, she realises that what hurt her the most was how indifferent Nathan was over the whole incident and how he refused to acknowledge the intimate act that had been done. He was almost embarrassed to be associated with her, Blessing notes as she clutches the phone angrily. As an act of revenge the slept with his friends and watched as his smile hardened and then faltered.

From this, Blessing supposes through all the slut-shaming and objectification that came from the leaked nudes and the sleeping around, she became reborn into the woman she is now. The infamous F word. Locking the phone, Blessing folds the arms across the chest and gazes through blurred eyes around Nathan's room realising the powerful position she is in. Even though it's been two years, it still burns her mind to think about the mortification and how her naïve 17-year-old self could think someone like Nathan could be capable of something like love. He's played the humiliation game and it's only fair that she gets her turn.

A hard knock on the door startles her and one of his friends calls out for her to play FIFA with them. Rubbing the eyes, Blessing shakes the entire body before straightening up and puffing the chest out. She opens the door with a gleaming smile on her face and replies smoothly,

"I would love to play." 

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