Crash

24: Crush

Lyra-

Alright. This isn't good. I totally lied about how I was feeling. It was more complicated than what I said. Sure I feel happy and safe but I'm also nervous, jittery, and relaxed all at the same time. I can't...How can I explain? I'm used to not getting everything I want, so it's okay if I'm turned down.

But have you ever wanted something so bad and you tell yourself you can't have it because you don't think you need it, but you want it.

Nathan is in my world right now, but, like, where?? Right beside me sure but what's his role? Survival partner? Snuggle buddie on cold, stormy nights? The one who's responsible for my heart trying to break out of my rib cage? No fucking clue.

His smile is killing me. His eyes are drilling into my soul. His thigh is touching mine. I feel so vulnerable but I can't tell if it's bad or not. I'm crumbling, but into what?

I've never been so confused in my life. I am stuck out here with a guy, alone and I'm acting like a human puddle whenever he talks to me. My snappy attitude is gone, I'm at home but I'm in a place that I've never been to all at the same time. I've felt like this for a while but now I'm deep thinking about it.

We got quiet and stared out over the forest below us. It was so quiet and peaceful on the outside, but inside my head, a was a storm brewing.

I may look calm and relaxed, but really, I'm flipping out and really want to punch something in my frustration. What the hell is wrong with me? I hissed at myself mentally.

I've been alone with a guy before and these are the only feelings I get. Nervous jitters. Possible butterflies. It either gets awkward or comfortable. Then you're  happy and move on with life or you're awkward and go home.

Ugh, I think I'm going to vomit butterflies. Tell me someone understands? Well screw that because the only other thing out here besides Nathan is Baine and he's an animal, I groaned mentally.

No one to vent to, no mom to help me understand. It almost pissed me off how lost I felt. I'm never lost, well, thats not entirely true.

A part of me just wanted to relax and let things flow. Another wanted to hold onto my reality that was real before Nathan was here, before I got lost.

Then he started saying all that junk about how amazing he thinks I am with being stranded in the mountains. He needs to understand that this is my zone and that I really believe my dad is going to come for us or that we'd find his cabin in the spring.

But how long could I hold onto that hope? I've read the stories, the articles and even seen the bodies.

Cabin fever, a person out in the woods for so long they go insane, and eventually it leads to an untimely end.

We stumbled upon a frozen hiker when I was seventeen. In a journal, he said he'd lived in that snow cave for a year because he was so lost and afraid to leave the place where he actually found food. What if I end up like that? I wanted to cringe at the memory of his frozen body.

There's too many 'what ifs' right now.

It isn't love, so quit thinking it. But I'm too smart to ignore it and think it's nothing. It's....something?

A crush? Maybe? Not love, not a regular friendship. Oh my god, I have a crush on Nathan, I realized. I've had crushes before but I wasn't living with my crush night and day.