and we promised

Chapter 23

OLIVIA

"I am grateful for my land. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for my..."

Car. Cliff. Gun.

"For my people", I say, tear rolling down my face. "I am grateful for my best friend."

"THOMAS, stop"

"I am grateful that I can breathe. I am grateful for..."

"Please, stop. Thomas! I'm begging you, stop the car!"

I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom. I don't stop until I hug the cool sides of the toilet, until I hug them and throw my guts out. Once. Twice. Three times.

"I am grateful for..."

"Thomas, please!"

"I'm sorry", I start yelling. "I am sorry. I am so sorry."

"Livie", I can hear a voice whisper behind me.

I turn around and I find Aria, in her oversized T-Shirt and fluffy socks, the sleeping mask on her forehead, her curls hanging wild.

"I'm so sorry", I scream, tears rolling down my face. "I am so sorry."

"Why are you sorry?", she asks me, taking a sit next to me. She reaches for my hand and as I give it to her, she gives mine a squeeze.

"I am so sorry", I continue.

"You have nothing to feel sorry for...", she answers. "Nothing."

"I wasn't strong enough. I didn't see the signs." I take a deep breath, my voice starting to shatter. "I could have seen the signs, you know? He would sometimes tell me I make it hard for me. He would tell me he was so glad he got the chance to meet me. Now I know why. It was because he knew he would end me. I am so sorry."

Aria starts brushing away my tears, looking straight into my eyes. "Livie, you have nothing to feel sorry for", she begins. I shake my head disapproving. She nods to support her point. "Nothing at all. You don't have to feel sorry for thinking you were in love."

"What if I wasn't? What if I was never in love with him? What if it was all just a myth?"

"Look at me", she says, as my eyes wondered to the ground. I don't want to face her. I don't want to face anyone right now. Aria lifts my chin with her fingers, making me look at her. "Don't you dare blame yourself for what happened. If there is someone to blame, it isn't you. And it will never be you. You're always going to have to live with the pain of it all, but remember: You got out. You got out and you are okay. Maybe you're not good, but you're okay. And that's a start. And we'll get there. I'll make you smile every day if I have to. I'll sing you songs, and we'll go to all the art galleries in the world. We'll eat a bunch of ice cream and do every single other thing you like, if only that means you could be happy again. You deserve to be happy, Livie. You really do. And I will for sure not stop until you get there."

I take a deep breath, my fingers wiping away the tears. "What if I won't ever be able to be happy again?"

"Then we'll just search for another butterfly", she whispers to me. "Everyone has their butterfly. Maybe yours is yet to fly its way to you."

I think of Nathan. I think of us. I think of how happy I was. I think of the good times. The way he would kiss me. Make me smile. Make me feel the luckiest girl in the world.

All gone. All fucking gone.

"What if it already flew my way? What if it left?"

"Make it come back to you", she answers. "Yet I'm sure it will eventually find its way back nevertheless."

I take a deep breath, feeling how the food I ate for dinner comes back to me. I hug the sides of the toilet again, ready for the impact. One. Two. I feel someone taking my hair in their hand, drawing patterns on my back with another.

"I'm here with you", Aria whispers to me, her voice coming out warm. "I'm here with you. You don't have to be alone anymore."

I start breathing again as I realize that the patterns she is drawing on my back...they are butterflies.