Six Feet Under

13.

When Brianna left, I felt the darkness residing in me again. It is one of those nights, that really test my patience. Test my self-control. I want to pick up a blade and put an end to this. I want to grab a cough syrup and drink every last drop of it. I want to jump off from the highest tower. I listen to the sound of my mother working in the kitchen and the voice of my father talking to one of his colleagues. He sounds so different. So fake. I want to just scream at him and tell him that he is a sick person. I have always felt hatred towards my father and anger towards my mom. She can stop it but she doesn't. My father, he just likes to be in denial. He likes to live a life of lies, betrayal, anger and disappointment.

I look at the ceiling and it is so dark. The curtains are drawn because I don't want the light of the moon shining in my room. I don't want any hint of light in my room. I just want to be by myself. At this point there are no tears left to shed. It's almost dinner time and I don't feel the appetite to have anything. If my mom knows all this, then why didn't she leave my father? Why did she stick around? Maybe it is harder to get out of a toxic relationship than I think. Maybe in some ways, my mom is just as helpless as me. Maybe she cries herself to sleep every night too. But why does she hate me? Why does she never acknowledge me? Why am I not worth her time? If she feels my pain, why does she never try to heal me but just hurt me even worse?

The questions are endless unfortunately time is not. I hear my mom opening my door and saying, "Come down for dinner."

I huff and decide to leave my bed. I take a seat at the dining table and try my best to avoid my father's stare. I might throw up if I look at him. The flashes of him and that red haired women climbing up the stairs keep repeating in my mind. Should I just scream and tell him that I know? Should I tell him that he is disgusting? They both are sitting at the end of the table and like always, we don't say a word. We just eat. If someone who is not a part of our family would see us eating in silence like this would probably think that we are weird but in reality, weird would be if we decided to talk to each other.

My father's phone vibrates from a message and he takes a glance at it before lifting it up and sending a reply. Is it that red-haired women who could be my future step-mom. I almost gag just at the thought of it. I'll kill myself before that happens. I concentrate on my food without looking at him. Suddenly, he breaks the silence by saying, "My colleagues are coming over for dinner tomorrow. Be ready by 7:00."

And just like that, things got worse. When my father said be ready by 7 he actually meant to say that put on your fake smiles by 7 and pretend to be a happy little family. I finish my food and head towards the kitchen and put the dishes in the dishwasher. And quickly climb up to my room. What are the chances that the red-haired women will be here tomorrow. I wish I could just bang my head against a wall. Suddenly, I remembered about my detention tomorrow and I stuff my face inside the pillow and scream. All I need is one day. One day of happiness. One day of no drama. One day of peace and calm. Is it too much to ask? I am sure God is laughing from above by witnessing my predicament.

I put the blanket above my face and close my eyes, hoping that the sleep takes over. The prayer took hours to be answered but I did eventually fall asleep. When I woke up, my eyes felt watery due to lack of sleep. I did my daily stuff and headed for my school. Meeting Brianna was comforting as always. She didn't ask me about my father and I am really thankful for that. The last thing I want to talk about is him. I didn't see Cal and Daniel until lunch break.

"Does anyone know how to solve this question?" Daniel grunted as he slammed his head against the book.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Freaking homework. I need to submit this today or else I am in trouble." Daniel wails.

"Dude, I literally explained it to you yesterday and in the morning too." Cal speaks while taking a bite from an apple.