Six Feet Under

12.

The sound of water fades away as my thoughts start to get evaded by those vicious words that I heard from my mother's closet. I wish I had not come back home so early. I wish I had gone somewhere else. That way, I would not have been sitting under the shower while hugging my knees and silently crying. I take a look at my wrists and the cuts are fresh. I had stepped outside the closet when I heard them both go downstairs. I went to my room after that and my father left for work shortly after. My mom came back from the book club and even if she had suspected that her husband had sex with some other women in her bed, she didn't show it. Because what would be the point, anyway?

She saw me in my room, sitting at the edge of the bed and didn't bother to ask me why I was home so early. After that, I made my way to the bathroom, stripped down naked and cut my wrists till my pain vanished away. But now it is coming back. I want to do nothing but just sob. My life is nothing but just a sad sob story. And this is how it shall forever remain. I feel so dirty. I want this water to clean away everything wrong that happened with me today. I hate the fact that I am related to him by blood. That I share the same blood of a man who is an alcoholic, liar, manipulator and an unfaithful person.

I close my eyes as I start to feel lightheaded. I feel my skin burning from the hot water but I just want it to turn even hotter. I need it to light me up on fire. That way, I will vanish away from the damned world. I don't want to be a part of this cruel world. Of this cruel family. I am starting to feel sick again. My skin is burning. I look at my arms and they are red. There are red patches because of this almost boiling water. I swallow as I feel extremely dehydrated. What is happening? Suddenly, I hear a knock at the door.

"Paige, are you in the bathroom?" I didn't answer because I don't feel like it. But suddenly my mouth is so dry. It tastes weird.

I hear the constant rapping on my door but my head feels funny. I hug my knees closer to my body. Suddenly, the door of my bathroom opens and I hear a gasp. I look up and see her. Shit. I want to say sorry to her but my throat feels sore. I see her turning off my shower and wrapping my towel around my body.

"Come on, P, get up for me." She hold me by my shoulders and helps me get to my feet. For the millionth time.

She fixes my towel and carefully wrap one around my wet hair too. She held my hand the entire time and makes me sit on my bed.

"You are fine. I got you." Her words work like affirmations for me.

"Come on, talk to me, P. Look, I am here. I got you, okay. You don't have to worry about anything." She keeps talking and dries my body. I hear her opening my closet and shuffling through my clothes.

"This will look so good on you. Did I tell you how pretty you were looking at school?" She says as she wipes her hand around my face and that is when I realized that a few tears have slipped down my cheeks.

"I brought tacos for you. From your favourite place. We will eat it together, okay. Look everything is fine." She keeps assuring me.

She makes me wear my clothes, even my underwear, but somehow, I cannot feel any emotion right now. I just feel numb. I know what is going on around me but I can't seem to make any sense out of it.

She pulls the dress down from my head and helps me put my hands through the arm hole. She removes the towel from my head and dries my hair with hair-dryer.

"Your hair feels so soft. What shampoo did you use? I'll use the same one."

Her fingers brushes through my hair but I keep staring at the floor. I let the silent tears fall down my face as I cry soundlessly. Bri keeps talking to me, trying to cheer me up. When my hair was done, I fall back on my bed and close my eyes as the tears kept falling.

She lays down beside me and wraps her arms around me. She didn't say a word and just let me have my moment. The room is filled with silence, the only sound that can be heard is of our breathing. Bri, caress my hands softly, letting me know that she is here with me. She always will be.

After a few minutes of silence, she finally spoke up, "I came here to check on you since you said you weren't feeling well. Your mom told me that you are in your room but as soon as I saw you were not on your bed, I knew something was wrong."

I keep on looking at the ceiling as one tear slips down my eye.

"I want to know what happened and how can I fix it?" I want to tell her there is nothing that can be done now. Shame and regret finds a place in me as I finally spoke up after what feels like hours, "I smoked today."

This confession makes my heart feel even heavier. I hear her sharp inhale as I continued, "And the worst part is I felt good. I didn't want to feel good I swear Bri. I had an anxiety attack in the math class and I threw up in the washroom. Mr.Davidson gave me a detention for walking out of the class and when I came back home..." I stopped. At this point Brianna is sitting beside me with crossed legs and looking at me with sympathy and wanting me to continue.

"What happened when you came back home?" She urged me to continue.

"I...I saw...." And just like that, I broke down into tears. I cover my face with my hands and start sobbing. Brianna is all worried now and I am sure thinking of worst things that could happen. But I let myself cry as the tears seem uncontrollable now. I just wish things could get better even if only for a few minutes.

Brianna kept silent as her own face has gone red like she is controlling herself from crying. I finally stop sobbing but the tears kept streaming down my face.

"My father...he..he is cheating...on my mom." I say between tears as Brianna gasped while covering her mouth with her hands.

"I was hiding in the closet and he told that lady that I was an accident and then...I kept hidden in the closet for the whole time till they left the house and...I heard everything." Another sob escapes my mouth.

"Oh Paige..." She takes me in her arms and console me. "I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't even imagine what it would have been like. God, I might throw up myself or throw some punches on your father." I can hear anger clear in her voice.

"Does your mom know about it? About him cheating?" She asks.

"Yes, I mean that is what my father said. Apparently, mom has even joined a book club." I scoff.

"Oh Paige. I-I don't know what to say. I wish I did but...why don't you come over to my house to stay for a few days? It would be better for your mental health." Her offer is kind but hard to follow through.

"No, Bri. I appreciate your invitation but it won't be possible for me. But thanks for always looking out for me." I give her a small smile.

"I can't even look out for you properly and I hate it." She scowls.

"Hey, no one looks out for me better than you do. You are always there for me. And even today you just appeared out of nowhere like an angel to save me and I am so thankful for that. I wish I could be a better friend."

"Oh, just shut up. You're going to make me cry." She laughs as her nose grows red from the unshed tears.

I hold her hand and after we both have calmed down a bit she asks, "Where did you get the cigarette from?"

"I went to a diner because I was hungry and there was this boy from our school, Zane, he offered it to me. And I was desperate for some relief that is why I took it. I am so sorry Bri." I tell her.

"It's okay. Just don't do it again. And stay away from that boy Zane. He is bad news. I know him."

My eyes go wide, "Really?"

She scrunches up her nose and says, "Yeah."

She knows literally everyone. She speaks up, "By the way, how many times do I have to tell you, if you want some relief, use your hands not substances."

I make a gagging sound at that and say, "No, shut up. Eww, Brianna."

She laughs at that and smirks, "Why? What's wrong with it? It's called natural resources to feel better."

"Eww, get away from me. I am calling the cops." She laughs even louder this time and I feel slightly better. All because of this extraordinary human sitting beside me.