Behind The Church

XVI

Kate

I feel horrible. Emotionally, I mean. Tina helps with these feelings, but not when she's awake. Although, I will admit, her breathing is relaxing and just knowing that she's here is great, but somehow, it's not enough.

It's not enough to block out all of the unbearable pain I'm experiencing. I know all of my younger siblings depend on me, they're struggling too, but I just can't do it. They look up to me, I can't handle that. Mammy relies on me to help everyone because she's experiencing double the amount of pain we all are combined. He was her husband. And then he just died. It happened so fast, too fast.

All of these thoughts that I'm having, they're rushing around my head way too fast as well. His words, his final words spoken into the world, were the most scarring words a child could hear from her father. "I hate you."

If Dad hated me, then so must my Mammy. It's not often they disagree on who they don't like. They were on the same page 24/7. He wouldn't hate me if I wasn't gay. Maybe if I just ended it all? Maybe then he'll love me again, maybe Mammy will love me.

I decide that maybe the world is better off without me. Christina doesn't need a girl like me, a burden. So I will free her. If it weren't for me, she'd still be having a great time with her grandparents, building, drawing painting and cooking. She wouldn't need to come back, she wouldn't need to live here anymore. She could live where she's happiest. I know her heart will always belong to Wales, never me. How could I compete with her birthplace? The birthplace of her children? How could I?

I can't do it anymore.

I go to the bathroom and find one of Mammy's razors. I take a blade out, looking at the answer to give me some relief. My way out.

I drag the small thing across one of my wrists, the blood leaking out of me. I hurry and do the other, before I passed out. This should be a done deal. It takes a few seconds, but I eventually become too lightheaded and drop to the ground. But I'm still conscious enough to hear the bathroom door open and the frantic shouts and begging.

Finally, I shut down. I can't hear anything, feel anything. This is the part where I die.

Tina

I am awoken by a thud coming from down the corridor among the quiet residence of Montgumery. My hand instinctively reaches out to touch my love, but she's not there. I assume that she caused the noise and get out of bed to look for her.

Out in the hallway, I see that the bathroom light is on. She left the door ajar just enough so that I can see her blood. Her wrists wide open.

"Kate! Kate, please wake up!" I beg, grabbing some towels to press against her wrists, to try to control the bleeding. She's unresponsive

"Kat! Kat come quick! Call an ambulance!" I scream into the house. I scream this until I wake someone up, I hear their hurried footsteps come to the bathroom.

"Kate?" her little voice asked.

"Xand! I need you to go and get Mammy. Please be quick. Tell her to call 911." I order the four year old. She does as I say and leaves the room, shouting for Kat. She comes back, her mother hot on her tail with her phone and dialling 911.

"Oh my goodness, Kate!" she cries.

We talk back and forth with the operator and soon enough, the ambulance arrives, taking her on a stretcher. I tell Kat to stay with the kids, and that I'll go with Kate.

At the hospital she's taken away but I follow.

"I'm O-Negative. Please let me help!" I beg. A nurse takes me aside and takes blood from me. My blood for Kate. I just want her to be okay.