My Boss

44

"I am... I am sick, Cara. And I'm dying."

Her voice, barely a whisper, trembled as she spoke the words that shattered my world.

The words hang in the air like an echo in an empty canyon. Each syllable carried the weight of a universe collapsing, and I felt my heart break into a million shards, each one a tiny mirror reflecting the pain it sends my being.

At this moment, time lost all meaning, the future suddenly didn't matter.

As I looked into her eyes, I saw a well of emotions - fear, sadness, but also a strange, quiet acceptance. She was facing her mortality with a grace and courage that left me in awe. At this moment, I realized and understood why she did what she did.

"Are you... What... What are you saying? What do you mean?" I said even though what she said was very clear.

"I have an inoperable tumor in my brain. I was diagnosed last year and was given six months to a year..." She laughed bitterly and averted her gaze.

"My parents, especially my Mom have been trying to find me a neurosurgeon around the world that would be brave enough to conquer the impossible..." She let out a deep sigh.

"But nobody, nobody was brave enough to take out my tumor. All of them are saying the same thing. That it is progressing very fast, and they cannot do anything about it. Referring us to palliative care so I'd be comfortable... you know, on my last breath..." Again, she let out a bitter laugh.

"This past few weeks and days, I could feel death succumbing to my body, Cara. I was getting weak, the pain sometimes was so unbearable that I couldn't get up from my bed, but you know what keeps me strong, Cara?"

Alex smiled at me, though it didn't reach her eyes. 

"I wanted to come to the office so that I can see you. Why do you think I keep you in my own office? To punish you? Well, sort of... I didn't want you mingling with Brian but also, seeing you, having you close to me, it gives me strength. I was in pain but you are my joy, Cara. I was suffering but you are my comfort. Just feeling your presence soothes me. It is selfish I know, but I'm dying so I guess, that gives me the pass?" She tried to joke.

I was trying to process everything she was saying, trying for all of it to sink into my head. Her words were so heavy that I could feel the world collapsing around me.

How could one beautiful soul vanish from the world just like that? Why life is so unfair? 

My chest was so heavy that my tears started to roll down my cheeks.

How can a love be ended when it hasn't even begun yet?

"I tried to stop it, Cara. I don't want to be selfish to keep leading you on and then just leave you at the end, but damn, it was so freaking hard. Every fiber of my being is screaming your name, every cell in my body is telling me to be close to you... I even tried to convince myself that Brian is good for you because he's a good man, I know that for sure, but how, Cara? Just seeing you two together was torture for me, even the headache I feel from time to time was a no match to the pain I feel when I see you both happy and laughing together..."

Alex took a deep breath before continuing.

"...I want you all for myself but I don't want to hurt you at the end, I don't want to put you through that, I can't." 

I could see the pain in her eyes, every word felt like a punch in my gut.

The tears that were brimming her eyes rolled down her cheeks, each tear carrying the pain she'd been hiding.

I didn't think much and grabbed her, imprisoning her in my arms was the only way I could think of to comfort her, wishing I could ease some of her pain.

"I'm sorry, Cara." She said repeatedly in between her sobs.

"Shhhhh... You don't have to say another word." 

I have no idea how long we stayed in that position. All I know is having her this close to me is precious, if possible, I don't want to let her go. I don't want to give her up even to death.

I have a lot to say to her but nothing can't seem to come out of my mouth. Just listening to her painful confession was enough to mentally choke me with my own words.

I still cannot believe that this is happening, I still cannot get over the fact that Alex is dying! She is dying!

My first love... is dying.

Have you ever felt that kind of pain that you didn't even know existed? 

When you thought you already felt all kinds of pain because you grew up with your Father denying you and a Mother who literally hated you and was very vocal about it, then this happened?

Like, even if I put that all together, the pain I feel right now doesn't even match up to it. It was so painful thinking that Alex would be gone forever, I just wanted to die too.

That's what I feel right now, that I am ready to die with her just not to feel this kind of pain. Or maybe I die first so that I don't have to see her suffering and die eventually.

"I'm sorry, Cara." I heard her whisper after a long while.

I kissed the top of her head that was resting on my chest and hugged her tighter.

"I am too, Alex." I managed to say with my voice shaking.

"I am sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now, how your family is feeling about this."

"I want to know how you're feeling, Cara." Alex freed herself from my arms and met my eyes.

I looked at her sad ones. 

She still looked beautiful, no, actually, with the moon serving our only light, she looked like a goddess.

"I... I love you, Alex. It's always been you. Hearing this for the first time, how do you think I feel?" 

"I'm sorry..."

"Shhhhh..."

"I already caused you pain before this, Cara. I made you think I don't feel the same and made you feel like garbage. You never deserved those but you still accepted it and loved me despite it."

I let out a deep sigh.

" Yes, you did those things. I honestly feel resentful of you for not telling me the truth, but what good would that do now?"

Alex smiled.

"Do you know that you're the purest and kindest person I have ever met? I might have a short life in this world but I am glad to have met someone like you." I could hear the sincerity in her voice though there was still a hint of sadness... and regret.

I reached for her hand and intertwined her fingers with mine.

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