Even If

Chapter 1: In His Arms

Have you ever thought about the idea of having domestic discipline as part of your marriage life? I know I have.

Let's start from the very beginning. When I was young, I was often spanked for my disobedience and I hated every second of it. My parents would discipline me with a long, thin cane that stings terribly even when it's not used directly on the bare bottom. So what was the question here? I'm coming to that. So as I grew up, maybe around 16 years old, I had a strong desire to have a loyal husband who would care for me. At the same time, I wanted a husband who would discipline me whenever I do something wrong. The thing is, back when my parents were punishing me, I frequently asked myself if they were abusing me or disciplining me. Until today, I still never understood the difference.

A few years later, my parents died in a car accident. I was upset and angry with myself. It was the darkest moment in my life.

I met Elijah 3 years later in the church I go to every Sunday. We dated for a year before we decided to get married. Now I'm 29 years old and I'm beginning to wonder if I still want that type of relationship with my husband.

My name is Phoenix Jane Kingsley and this is my story.

♡

"Nix!" Elijah calls from downstairs.

I scramble around still trying to find my things. I was clearly not prepared.

"Phoenix! We have to go! We are going to be late!"

I rushed downstairs. "Elijah, I can't find my things," I whined.

"That's your fault. I told you to prepare your things one night before. Now, we are going to be late." He scolds harshly.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I hate it when Elijah is mad at me.

"Let's go."

When we finally reached the church, we were 10 minutes late. After parking, Elijah got out of his car and went inside without me. I get that he is irritated, but now I feel like such a terrible person. He ignored me the entire time during worship and sermon. He didn't even hold my hand like he usually did when we prayed.

When church service was over, I went to the bathroom. That's when I lost it. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I was so upset. I tried quieting my heart down, washed my face with some water and took deep breaths. Elijah was waiting for me outside when I came out. I thought he would have left. I walked towards him looking down, not wanting to look at him.

"Phoenix, look at me." He ordered.

I shook my head, still looking at the ground. He tilted my chin upwards, forcing me to look at him. He softened as he sees my tear-streaked face.

"Why were you crying?" He asks.

Tears welled up in my eyes as they threatened to fall again. "I'm sorry I made us late," I mumble.

He brushed away a tear that fell from my eyes with his thumb. "I'm not mad. Just a little upset. Please don't cry, hm?" He says, pulling me into his chest with his arms around me.

I nodded.

"That's it. Good girl." He says, rubbing my back.

Night came, we had dinner and went to bed. I closed my eyes. All my worries and concerns were out of my mind as he embraced me, falling asleep in my husband's arms.