The Luna

Two

To say that this isn't what I had envisioned for myself is an understatement. I mean no one wants to watch their mother deteriorate in front of their eyes, knowing there is nothing that can be done to help her.

Before I found out about her diagnosis, I had dreams: College, year-round sunshine on some southern California beach, maybe even surf lessons. I mean the world was mine for the taking, all I had to do was reach out and grab for it.

I had started a Pinterest board on how I would decorate my dorm room; tons of blue hues, natural light and framed artwork that hopefully my roommate would enjoy too.

It seems so silly now, how planned out it was. How I had allowed myself to believe that life could be so easy. That I would graduate and spread my wings to fly, leaving the snow and winters behind, only coming back for mom.

How naive I was.

In reality, my mother was diagnosed and I was orphaned in less than six months. Such a short amount of time for my life to derail and for me to lose everything. I was placed in my first foster home a month later and realized that college wasn't even an option for me anymore. All the money my mom had been saving over the years was sucked dry by the doctors, hospitals, and pharmacies.

In the end, I was still left alone and bounced around from home to home, with nothing but two backpacks full of what was deemed 'important and essential' until I turned eighteen.

At night, then and now, I dream of leaving; of packing those backpacks again and disappearing. Here one minute, gone the next just like my mom.

I have a little money saved up, stashed around the room like a squirrel hiding nuts, but it's nowhere near enough to get me out of here. I mean, it's enough to get me out of Crest Falls, but I would end up in some other small town, working as a waitress, trying to save up money to leave there, and what good with that do me?

When I get out of here, I want it to be for the better. I want to find the place that I belong; the one that is calling my soul. But maybe that's too much to ask for in this life. Maybe some of us are only meant to struggle and never break free.

I stare at the window of my apartment, staring into the forest that backs the diner. The walls feel like they're closing in and I try to focus on the view from my window. The sunset through the trees of the forest has always been my favorite thing about Crest Falls.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe passed the lump tightening in your throat. Breathe past the tears threatening to spill. The walls aren't closing in, everything is alright.

"Don't you know it's gonna be alright. You know it's gonna be alright," my voice is shakey with the emotions coursing through me and even the song isn't helping.

I stand quickly, grab my coat, and slip into my boots in record time.

Fresh air will help - I tell myself as I close the front door behind me.

Is it stupid to be near the forest when the sun is going down, probably - but it's better than being cooped up in that tiny room dwelling on the past and things that I cannot change.

The air is cool against my skin and the way the light filters through the trees is breathtaking. It's almost like a different world. I can't seem to stop myself as I travel deeper into the trees. It's so peaceful here that I wonder if I'll ever want to go back. Maybe I could just disappear and leave all the pain and sadness at Erin's.

A shiver runs up my spine and an uneasy feeling overtakes me. I get the feeling I'm not alone out here - that someone or something is watching me.