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Chaos II

Maya got home and opened the door almost in slow motion as she had been doing for the last few days whenever she came back home. She still stayed in the car for a while, wondering whether or not to go into the house. In the last few days, she preferred to sleep at the station rather than face her wife at home.

The blonde walked cautiously. She was afraid of making noise and waking up her wife if she was home that morning. She set the bag on the floor beside the door, took off her coat and set it on the hanger and continued walking until she reached the doorway.

Her plan was to quickly go into the closet to grab running clothes and go out for a run. Sure,  she had made an appointment with Diane Lewis. She had sought help as Carina had asked, but things had reached a level far beyond what she had imagined after the argument at the Station and the firefighter shivered at the thought of talking to her wife and telling her that she had finally done it because it might be too late. "Maybe is too late," she thought sadly.

By impulse she stopped at the entrance of the room. Carina was lying in bed, a calm expression on her face. Her hair was spread across the pillow and her face was propped up in her hand.

How much the firefighter wanted to lay there and just glue her body to her wife's and burry her nose into her hair. How much she wanted to listen that "Buongiorno, bambina" that her Italian goddess used to give her with that cute sleepy voice. Her body shuddered as she remembered the soft scent of her beloved's skin and her tender touch over Maya's body.

Carina's other hand, resting on the sheet, reveald the glow of her wedding ring. She hadn't taken it off. "Maybe there's still time", Maya thought and couldn't stop a smile from coming to her lips. That glimmer of hope was enough to fill the firefighter's wounded heart.

She finally walked to the closet tiptoeing, still with that smile on her lips, picked up an outfit while her mind created scenarios of how she would apologize to her wife and tell her about the appointment. How would she break that thick ice between them. Maya returned to the room, still walking carefully, but found Carina already with eyes open.

"Did I wake you up?", Maya asked quietly, worried.

"No, no... I was already awake," the woman said.

The two were silent as Maya changed her clothes.

"How was work?" Carina said as she sat up and leaned against the headboard. That conversation was practically forced.

"Worse every day, but I can bear it...", she said as she removed her shirt and placed it on the armchair.

The two remained silent.

"I thought you wouldn't come home again today," the Italian nudged.

"I...I...", Maya stuttered. It was taken by surprise. "I was dealing with a lot of things," Maya almost said, but knew Carina would say, "So you left me to handle all of "this" alone", she would say pointing to her belly and that would start a new fight. The blonde wouldn't let that happen.

The firefighter took a large amount of air into her lungs and spoke turning to look directly at Carina:

"I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean for my mistakes to hurt you. And... I know it wasn't the best, but I needed to take some time to organize my thoughts."

Carina didn't say anything. She just crossed her hands over her legs still facing the woman.

After a moment Maya turned around again and bent down to pick up her running shoes from the floor.

"Are you going out again?" the brunette said disbelief. She didn't believe Maya would continue to run away like that.

"I'm just going out for a run," the firefighter informed. Her back was turned, but she could feel the weight of her wife's gaze on her shoulders. "It's now or never", the blonde thought, taking courage. "I..." she said so quietly that for a second she doubted she had even spoken. "I made an appointment with Diane, the department's psychologist," she said, working up the courage to speak up.