Love Finds A Way

17

"OH MY God," my two girls are giggling in the kitchen. It's Sunday, and they only come over for us to go to brunch. We haven't done it in a while, and I wasn't expecting a visit from Mary.

"Good to see you two," I say. Mary looks up from a magazine that they're both looking into, and grins widely. I sense trouble, and turn on the coffee maker, knowing that I'll need the caffeine to get through this visit.

"So when's your date with mom?" Mary asks. Already asking the difficult questions so early in the day? I'm going to need an Irish coffee instead.

Mary rolls the magazine, and tucks it into her purse. I become curious about it, since Jane's giving me a funny face.

"Not sure yet. I haven't gotten around to speaking to her," I pour myself a gigantic cup of coffee. There's this huge cup that I have for days like these, where the caffeine intake must be limitless.

"What's the hold up?" Mary seems anxious, and it annoys the fuck out of me.

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe mutual feelings," I sip my coffee with narrowed eyes, as she looks at me in disbelief.

"Well," Jane clears her throat, "I thought you two could set aside your differences for one day," I'm probably being irrational to them, but have they taken my feelings into consideration? They're the ones who pushed me into Bethany's arms to begin with! Now I must suddenly fall in love with their mother again?

"I'm only going on this so called date to make all of you happy. But I won't promise anything," I tell them. Mary crosses her arms over her chest. She's the one who insisted on making Bethany a part of my life, yet she's resulted to this, why? Why did she change her mind?

"How can all that love you had for her just disappear?" Mary asks. Years and years of recovery? Maybe I wasn't that in love with her to begin with? Maybe I just can't let those feelings resurface?

I know that my heart would just be broken again. I don't trust Petah. And I know that she'll cheat again if I give her another chance. She already failed at her second, "after I found out about Gretel, I gave your mom an ultimatum. She either never spoke to that woman again, or she signed the divorce papers. You both know which one she choose."

Mary seems affected the most by what I said. She leans back in her chair with her eyes closed, "do I really have another brother?" Mary asks. A brother? I'm confused for a moment, then realize where she's coming from. I'm surprised that she waited so long to bring that up.

"I didn't get a chance to know the sex of the baby," I hate that she's changing the topic, especially to my frickin' abortion.

"Why did you?"

I sigh. When I think about my life as a mother, I sometimes forget that I could have had another child. It sickens me that it's so easy to forget, even though I don't like to remember that time in my life, "there's a reason why I didn't tell you about that," such a great way to start off the day. I grip the edge of the counter, and inhale a deep breath. How do I tell my kids about my past? It's something that I've locked away for years. And I just can't deal with it right now.

"You slept with a guy, big deal," Jane says, rubbing her hands together. Mary is waiting for me to continue, but then I'd also have to explain it to my sons, and does Bethany deserve to know? How do I choose who I end up telling now? It's always been a secret, but if I tell one, must I tell the others? Should I go to my parents' grave, and tell them too? They don't know. The only person I've ever told is my wife—my ex-wife. And I can't believe that she couldn't keep it to herself. One too many glasses of wine, and she spilled the one thing that I never want to talk about again.

"It was a one night stand," I swallow, "I was in college, and I don't even know the father's name," I finish my gigantic cup of coffee, and wipe my lips with the back of my palm.

"I'm sorry, Ma," Jane's warm eyes aren't enough to ease the thumping inside of my chest.

I say, "I really don't want to talk about it. And I really don't want to talk about your mom. If you're here to see me, then don't bring up things that make me uncomfortable," I quickly wipe a tear from escaping my eye, and hope that I haven't smudged my eyeliner.

"Mary found a magazine with Bethany," Jane mentions. My eyebrows knit together, and Jane earns a glare from her sister, "she needs something to cheer her up, and Bethany's rockin' body should do the trick," she grabs the magazine, and hands it to me, while Mary grumbles in disapproval.

It's a clothing catalog, and when I flip through the pages, a smile graces my face. She looks so beautiful in sundresses. Then I see one with her in a hot pink bikini, and my eyes nearly bulge out.

"Yeah, why are you two—" I clear my throat, "looking at this," closing the magazine, I clutch it in my arm, and press my lips together.

"Why does anyone look at hot models?" Jane giggles. Thankfully, both of my daughters are straight, else I'd worry.

"She's not that hot," Mary mutters, and I scoff. She looks at me with those angry eyes of hers, and I shrug.

"Bethany's gorgeous, there's no denying that," Jane nudges her sister, causing her to boil over.

"You're not allowed to look at anyone but mom!" Mary yanks the magazine away from me, and my eyes widen. What's gotten into her?

"Why don't you tell your mom the same thing? Think she'll listen?" I ask.

"Actually I do," Mary snarls. There's only so much disrespect I can take in one day, and it just reached the roof. Fuck this.

"I'm going out, don't stay here, and wait for me, I'll probably be gone for a while," I walk over to Jane, and place my hand on her shoulder. She's still supportive, even though she's silent. And I appreciate that.