Strong Enough (An Older Brother Story)

Sacrfices Part 3 (*Trigger Warning*)

I pull myself together and say "I am not mad kiddo. And I am glad that you told me, I am sure that was a scary thing to do." She nods in confirmation and I continue "I am not completely sure what to do to help you, but we will figure it out together, okay?" She nods again, so I continue "Some of these look pretty fresh, so I think we should get them cleaned up and put some bandages on them, is that okay with you?"

Sophia's POV:

I nod and then head to the bathroom and sit on the counter while Clay gets the first aid kit from the kitchen. When he comes in the bathroom he starts helping me clean off the cuts and bandages them up. I try not to wince too much when he puts alcohol on them to disinfect them. We sit in silence for a few minutes while he does this. I think we both have a lot on our minds. Once he is finished he looks me in the eyes and says "I am not mad at you Soph. And you are not in trouble. I am upset. I love you and I don't like seeing you hurt for any reason. I don't want you to feel like you are being punished, but I am going to need you to help me think of some ways that we can keep you safe, okay?" I nod. I don't really know what to say. Honestly, he is taking this much better than I expected. He hugs me really tightly and says "I love you so much Soph, I am really sorry that you are having such a tough time." I say "I love you too bubby, I'm sorry I am making you have such a tough time." He half smiles and says "I appreciate you being concerned about me kiddo, that's very thoughtful, but this is not about me, okay? That is not even something I want you to worry about, I am fine, I am just concerned about making sure you are okay." I nod, but I don't know how I am supposed to not feel bad about making him so upset. After a few moments I take a deep breath and say "Could you tell Amelia? I don't think I can do that again." He says "Sure kiddo." and then adds "What do you need from me right now?" I say "Can I just go to bed? I am really exhausted." He thinks about it for a moment and then says "You need to eat dinner first, but then you can." I start to protest "I'm not hungry..." but he interrupts me by saying "Soph, please baby." and he just looks and sounds so tired that I can't bring myself to argue with him. I nod and tell him I'll be in my room doing homework until dinner is ready, then I get up and go to my room.

Clayton's POV:

As soon as Sophia leaves the room I can feel myself about to break. I have been trying to hold it together this whole time, but that was a lot. I go into my room and shut the door, then go into the closet and shut the door as well. Finally, I lean back against the wall and just kind of slide down it until I am slumped on the floor. I quickly start to feel my eyes burn as they flood with tears. I try to blink them back, but it is no use, and they soon start to overflow and roll down my face. I try to regain control by breathing slowly, but I can't do it. The hyperventilating starts and all I can think is that this is the last thing that I need to add to my plate right now. It has been a long time since I have had an anxiety attack, but I had them a few times in the year or two after my parents died when I was really overwhelmed trying to figure out how I was going to make everything work. Sophia doesn't know about them though. Her life has been unstable enough, she doesn't need to know that the one person she is supposed to be able to count on is this weak. And I would never call someone else weak for this. I know that what I told Sophia about mental problems being just as serious as physical ones is true. And I know that they aren't character defects. I wouldn't tell her that if I didn't think that it was true. However, despite the fact that I know that, all I can hear in my head is my father's voice telling me to "man up." It's an awful feeling, I am ashamed that I am not strong enough to prevent this and ashamed for thinking like that because I know it is wrong. I can feel myself getting dizzy from the hyperventilating and I know that I need to get this under control soon. I grab my phone to text Amelia, but my hands are shaking so much that it is difficult to text. I manage to keep steady long enough to send her "It's happening again." and within 30 second my phone is ringing. I answer the phone and start to try to explain between gasps, but Amelia interrupts me and says "You can tell me what happened later, right now we need to focus on making sure you can breathe." I choke out "Okay" and she says "Okay, just close your eyes and focus on my voice. Breathe in 1-2-3-4-5, hold 1-2-3-4-5, breathe out 1-2-3-4-5..." she keeps repeating that until I stop hyperventilating, I'm really not sure how long it took. I start trying to talk again and she interrupts me again and says "Are you sure you are calm enough to talk about this now?" I think for a moment and then take a deep breath and say "Yeah, I think I am through the worst of it." She says "Okay, do you want to tell me over the phone or do you want me to just come over?" I say "Go ahead and come over I guess." She says "Okay, glad you decided that because I am in the driveway. I'm guessing you are on the floor in your closet?" I say "Good guess" and she laughs a little and hangs up. About a minute later she opens the closet door, comes in and turns on the light, closes the door, and sits down across from me. As I explain, her eyes fill with tears as well. When I finish she says "I will be right back" and gets up and leaves. I just sit there for a couple of minutes feeling perplexed, but too drained to get up and investigate. When she come back she says "Sophia has an appointment with a child and adolescent psychologist tomorrow afternoon. I called in a favor." I can't help but smile, this woman never ceases to amaze me. Then she sits back down and ask "Did you yell at her?" I feel a little hurt and respond "No, of course not." An emotion flashes over her face, I can't tell if it is skepticism or surprise, but she quickly conceals it. I start to feel and little defensive and say "I know I let my temper get the best of me sometimes, but I wouldn't get angry about something like this, it's not her fault." She nods and says "I'm glad you realize that. I'm proud of you, you haven't always had the best attitude about this type of thing." I protest "That's only when it is about me." She gives me a pointed look and say "You know that is ridiculous, right? You are human, it's irrational to hold yourself to that kind of standard. Would you be mad at yourself for getting a cold?" I know she is right, but I don't want to hear it right now. It doesn't change how I feel. I respond "We are getting off topic. What are we going to do about Soph?" She gives me a look that implies that we will be revisiting that conversation later, but sighs and let's it go for now. She says "Well, she has a therapy appointment, I think that is a good start. Did you ask her why she is doing it? And did you make sure she doesn't have access to whatever she is using?" Wow, I feel so stupid, I didn't even think about any of that. I say "No, I didn't. Honestly, I was freaking out. It was all I could do to keep it together." I think she can tell that I feel pretty awful, because she responds very gently "Hey, it's okay, this is a new situation and you had to think on your feet. Let's go talk to her okay?" I not and take a deep breath. I know this is Sophia's battle, but the idea of trying to deal with it is overwhelming, I can't even imagine how much more overwhelming it must be for her. We go to her bedroom and knock gently before walking in. She is just sitting on the bed with her knees to her chest and it looks like she has been crying. I sit down on the edge of her bed and pull her into a hug while Amelia sits in her desk chair. After a moment I let go and she mumbles, looking down at her hands in her lap, "I'm so sorry bubby..." I respond "I'm sorry I didn't notice that something was going on with you." She says sadly "I've been trying pretty hard to hide it..." then she looks at Amelia and ask "So, I guess he told you?" She nods and says "He did, do you want to tell us why?"

Sophia's POV:

That's a good question. I wish I knew. I sigh and say "I don't know...." but after thinking about it for a second I add "I guess I am just upset that I still don't like myself or how I look, even though I have been eating healthy and working out. It just gives me something else to focus on for a little bit and it makes me feel better..." Clay interjects and says "Isn't there something else you could pick to focus on?" What a stupid question. I respond, clearly sounding a little frustrated "Don't you think that if there was I would be doing that instead?" He looks a little hurt and it makes me feel bad so I say "I'm sorry bubby, that was rude." He says "It's okay kiddo, I don't know that much about this, so I am just trying to figure it out." I nod, but don't say anything else. Then he says "Well, I'm sure you know that I can not let you continue to do this now that I know." I nod, that's what I figured he would say. Then he continues "We made an appointment for you with a therapist for tomorrow..." I start to protest, but before I can even get a word out he says sternly "it is not up for discussion Sophia Grace" I open my mouth to respond, but he gives me a look that I know means he is serious, so I just sigh and say "Yes sir." I'll let it go for now I guess. They can make me go, but they can't force me to talk to some stupid therapist. He continues "So, like I said, you are going to start seeing the therapist tomorrow, but we need to put in some immediate safety measures for tonight. I want you to gather up everything you have been using and give it to me, if you need to something for it's actual purpose I can let you have it for the time that you need it, okay?" I protest "That's not fair! I'm not a baby!" He sighs and says "Soph, I am trying to help you. I need you to help me help you. Please." He sounds so desperate, I have never heard him sound like that before. After thinking for a moment I say "Fine..." he looks relieved and says "Thank you kiddo, I appreciate it. I'm going to order some pizza for dinner, can you gather up the stuff and bring it to me?" I nod and once they leave I gather up everything that I have been using, or have thought about using, and bring it out to him. It takes longer than I expected, it was a lot of stuff, so by the time I am done the pizza is here. I set everything on the table and he takes it and walks off and puts it somewhere, I don't know where. When he gets back he says "Thanks kiddo, I really appreciate you doing that. Was that everything?" I say "I think so." and he responds "Well let me know if you end up finding or thinking of anything else." the tone in his voice kind of implies that he thinks that I have intentionally left something out, which is kind of hurtful because I didn't. He interrupts my thoughts by saying "Soph?" I look at him and he makes direct eye contact and says "I'm trusting you, okay?" and holds the eye contact for an uncomfortable amount of time until I respond "I know." Amelia comes into the kitchen and we all sit around the table and eat in awkward silence for a while. After I have taken like three bites of my pizza I ask if I can be excused. Clay says "Soph, you need to eat more than that." I protest "I'm not hungry. It's not healthy to make someone eat when they aren't hungry." He takes a deep breath, I feel like he is getting really frustrated but trying not to snap, then he says gently "Soph, it is also not healthy to not eat, you know that. I am not going to argue with you about this. I am trying very hard to listen to you and respect how you feel, but you are still the kid and I am still the adult. There are some safety issues that I am going to have to set hard limits on and that are not up for discussion. Eating is one of those safety issues, okay?" I look to Amelia for assistance and say "Don't you think he is being unreasonable?" She says "Sorry kiddo, I am with Clay on this one." I mumble "I thought you were supposed to be my friend..." she responds "I am Soph, but he is right, we have obligation to keep you safe, and part of that is making sure you are making healthy choices, which includes eating. We aren't just trying to be mean for no reason, okay?" I nod, feeling really defeated. I can feel my eyes fill with tears and I have one of those lumps in the back of my throat that you get when you are trying not to cry, which does not make eating any easier. We continue to eat in awkward silence until eventually I am able to choke down one full piece. I can tell that Clayton and Amelia are too stressed out to be hungry too, they are just poking their pizza around of their plate, but they won't admit it because they are trying to make a point. I drink some water and then ask "Would it be okay if I get ready for bed now? I'm really tired. I ate a full piece." Clay says "Sure kiddo." and gets up and hugs me really tightly. I head back to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed and I open a drawer to grab my toothpaste and see one of Amelia's disposable razors that I took from Clayton's bathroom. I guess I missed this one. He doesn't use disposables, he just has one reusable metal one, so that would have been much harder to take and then return without him noticing. I should probably give this to him...