Strong Enough (An Older Brother Story)

Sacrifices: Part 2 (*Trigger Warning*)

Clayton's POV:

Wow, I am surprised that she even remembers that. It does make me feel pretty bad to know that she heard me having a breakdown on the phone with Amelia and that she was worrying about me when she was so little. I have always tried to hide how hard things were from her, but I guess she noticed more than I thought. I say "I will admit that there have been some hard times, but they weren't not that bad. I remember when that happened too, and it seemed overwhelming at the time, but it really wasn't that bad. I stayed home from work that day, I was able to get caught up on my homework, I even took a nap. Everything was fine. It was pretty hard when I was trying to get my undergrad degree and work at the same time, but we got through it. And knowing that I had you to take care of kept me motivated. Also, knowing how much you loved me and needed me made me feel like I mattered even when I really didn't feel like it. I really struggled with feeling like I was good enough before mom and dad died, I never felt like I lived up to their expectations of me or that I was worthy of their love. I didn't always feel like I was good enough when it came to you, but you alway still loved me even when I felt like I was failing. That meant a lot to me Soph, it helped me get through mom and dad dying. If I wouldn't have had you to take care of, I don't know that I would have went to college or even done anything. After they died, I just felt like I wanted to lay in bed and never get up again, but I knew you needed me. Soph, you have always made my life better. Sometimes things have been hard for us, but that is not your fault. I love you, and I am glad that I am able to take care of you. I didn't have to do it. I have never told you this, but our grandparents were willing to take you after mom and dad died, I fought them on it because they live far away, they hardly even knew you, and I didn't want you to grow up without me. I chose to take care of you, the fact that sometimes that decision makes things hard for me is not your responsibility or your problem. You are just a kid and you did not ask to be in this situation. I'm sorry that I snapped at you and that I made you feel guilty for things that are my problem and not your responsibility." she says "It's okay bubby, I know I was being kind of annoying." I say '"It was not okay Soph, and I am really sorry. It is not acceptable for anyone to make you feel bad for things that are not your fault. You should not let anyone treat you like that, including me. I'm sorry for being a bad example." she smiles and says "Okay Clay, I forgive you." and after a pause she starts to say "So..." and I say "No, absolutely not, you still can't have a TikTok, drop it." she rolls her eyes and says "Fine, I'll drop it, for now..." with a smirk. Then she looks at me seriously and says "You really don't think that I am a problem? Even though you were so upset about all of that stuff with my eating and everything..." I say gently "No Soph, just like when you were a little kid and got sick, I think you HAVE a problem, you were sick in a different type of way and you needed help to be healthy again, but I will never think that you ARE a problem." She ask again, starting to get teary eyed, "Are you 100% certain?" I nod and say "I am 100% certain." She ask "Even if I lie to you or do something that makes you upset?" I say, getting concerned but trying not to show it too much, "Even if you lie or do something that makes me upset, is there something you need to tell me Soph?" She nods, but looks really nervous. After she takes a deep breath I think that she is finally going to tell me what going on, but instead she says "Do you promise you won't be mad?" I say honestly "I'll do my best, but I can't be sure without knowing what it is." She looks a little disappointed and responds "Okay, well, do you promise you'll still love me even if you are mad?" I say "Of course I will still love you Soph, nothing you could tell me would change that." She ask "What if I committed murder?" I roll my eyes, at this point she is just stalling, I ask, clearly being sarcastic "Did you?" She shakes her head no and I continue "Well, even if you did, I would still love you. I would be pretty disappointed, but I would still love you. Now can you please tell me what's actually going on?" She nods meekly and says "I'll show you." and she pushes up the sleeves of her sweatshirt to reveal cuts all over her arms. I instantly feel my eyes fill with tears, but I try my best to hold them back. All I can get out is a sad "Kiddo..." and then I freeze up. She starts talking rapidly and says "Please don't be mad Clay...Remember, you said that if I was having a problem and I need help then I should talk to you so you can help me, and that I wouldn't be in trouble, and that is what I am trying to do, so please don't be mad..."