Kisses after midnight (WICKED #0) | ✓

46

JAY DISAPPEARED AFTER THAT. Though normally Mateo would have searched for him, Gabriela knew his barely pieced together heart was broken again, this time perhaps to the point of no repair. She worried for him, the way he left the house for days after each other, barely attending school anymore. St Joseph had remained practically the same, the death ruled an accident and a new principal appointed quickly. The students had grieved, but they also had moved on from their kind principal, all too busy with the exams nearing again.

It was perhaps that which made Mateo unable to go back - the fact that everyone continued on with their life like nothing had happened. She understood, but at this rate with his attendance the army would be the only place to still accept him. As time passed she was starting to think the same for herself almost; she hadn't dared to bring up the subject of her scholarship yet, feeling selfish at even the thought of it, but it was becoming more and more clear to her that her deal with the principal had only been with him. Now he was dead she was losing hopes for her transfer, her recommendation letters, her dreams.

She shook the thought out of her head, leaning back against Mateo's bed. He was gone again and though she desperately wanted to stop him, she didn't know how. Grief clung to him like a shadow and she was afraid that if she dared shine anything hopeful on him he'd disappear altogether. Her hands enveloped her face, every breath she took feeling like ice in her lungs, her voice already dipped in frostbite.

"God," she whispered," has he not suffered enough? Please, can't you just listen to me?" She glanced up at the ceiling then, like the chipped paint would talk back in a faith only her mother was fluent in. "I just want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy."

The door to the house shut on cue and she glanced at the sound, knowing it was too early for Mateo's mother to be home. She worked the night shift more and more lately, so often even Gabriela was pretty sure Mateo rarely saw her. It wasn't like she blamed his mother for it though, of course not, taking care of her son and managing money was hard enough. Still, it was because of that she knew that Mateo hadn't spoken about Clarkson's death to her yet, too afraid to burden his mother.

She didn't have time to think about it much longer, the door to his room already swinging open. At first he immediately started to walk towards his bed, but once he saw her he stopped, gaze slowly locking with hers. Mateo looked haunted, like he hadn't slept in days, face pale and bruises coloring his knuckles. His lip was split and purple was peppered across his cheekbone, eyes reminding her of canyons, so empty that even if she shouted at him, only her own voice would echo back. Proving her point he looked away then, letting himself fall on his bed.

"Mateo," she said softly, turning around to look at him.

He didn't say anything, like he hadn't the past few times she had done this. His face was pressed in his pillow, only the slow rising of his body proving he was still alive and breathing. It felt like he was seven feet under though and she could hear him choke on the memories. She slowly placed her hand on his, careful not to go too far, but when he didn't move she continued.

"Please," she whispered," talk to me, Teo."

At first she had tried not to interfere in his grieving process too much, always only sitting by him when he made it clear she was wanted. Now however she was feeling more and more like that only was detrimental to him, like she was abandoning him even though he didn't speak to her. It was hard to decide what the right choice was when dealing with grief and she so desperately wanted to pick whatever was right for him, but somehow all she was doing seemed to be wrong.

He didn't say anything and she gently squeezed his hand. "I am here for you, you know that, right?"

She had seen him like this before, with his father, but at the same time he was a different person now. Then too he had been closed off in the beginning, but he had cried with her almost immediately after when they had been alone. It broke her heart that he had to go through this more than once, to see him like this. Furiously she blinked away her tears, not wanting to make this about her.

"If you want, I'll stay here with you through the night," she said.

He didn't even stir. She leaned forward, brushing his hair out of his face, voice gentle.

"I love you, Teo."

"Don't love me, Gabriela," he said, breaking the silence like glass," everyone who loves me seems to die after all."

She blinked, his words hitting hard. He had turned his face towards her, but it didn't seem like he was seeing her, not really. Without thinking about it she grabbed his hands and pulled, causing him to tumble off the bed in surprise. Before he fell right on her though he moved to pull her on top of him and when she looked him in the eyes, as he lay down on the carpet, expression startled and hair tousled, for a second it felt like she was recognizing him again.

"Mateo," she said, voice steady," I won't ever leave you, okay? So yeah, I love you and I will tell you that I love you over and over, because there's no way in hell I'm dying first on you. You got that?"

"Gabr -" he began, but she cut him off with a shake of her head.

"No protesting," she said," do you trust me?"

"I do," he said quietly," but my trust doesn't make you immortal."

"It doesn't matter," she simply answered, grazing her hand across his cheek," I will be here no matter what."

He blinked, gaze trained on her like she was the only thing keeping him grounded right now. The silence between them was less suffocating now and when he spoke, it seemed like he was finally breathing, tears sliding down his face.

"I'm sorry, Nena," he stammered, furiously wiping the tears away as he got up in a sitting position," I'm sorry -"

"Don't apologize," she interrupted him, placing herself between his legs and taking his face in her hands.

They sat like that for a moment, until he just let himself cry, her arms around him as she pulled him closer. The grief in his sobs was so sharp it cut her heart into pieces, but she kept herself from showing any emotion about it as well. This wasn't about her nor would she ever make it about her. Mateo deserved better than that.

"I miss him," Mateo whispered, a sob hitching in his throat," it just feels like I keep getting punched each time and I'm so afraid I can't get up anymore."

"Then I'll sit with you each time and bandage you up until you can get up again," she said simply.

His lips parted and for a moment she was sure he would break down again, but then he started laughing, in that messy kind of way you only do when even the stars have shut their eyes. She smiled at him, his laugh too contagious not to. It all felt like they were transported back to a simpler time, when Mateo's father had been alive and she had never seen him cry, back when time stood still and their hearts were whole.

"I don't even know why I'm laughing," he exclaimed once he took a breath," or where my tears are coming from now."

"That's fine," she chuckled," you don't need to."

He sighed, his emotions leaving him all at once as he brushed his hair back with his hands, eyes soft.

"I still don't feel whole," he said," but thank you for piecing at least a part of me together."

"I love you either way," Gabriela promised.

"I love you too, Nena," he murmured, leaning in and letting his forehead rest on her shoulder," if not for you, I'm not sure what would happen to me."

"You'll never have to find out," she said.

He didn't say anything for a while, but when he finally pushed himself up from the floor his eyes were clear.

"Where are you going?" Gabriela said, faint concern flashing in her eyes.

"To do something I should have done earlier," Mateo said, glancing at the sky for a moment," to find Jay."