Missing Like You

FORTY-THREE

Lexie
Thursday March 21, 2019

Dear Diary,

The past few months have been utterly incredible, to say the least. I thought I had reached my peak months ago and it honestly never crossed my mind that things could get any better. But then Mark proposed and everything has been like a fairy-tale ever since. Sometimes I lay in bed at night, wondering how I got so lucky. I've never really done anything good or wholesome in my life, so why am I being rewarded in such a fortunate way?

We've already begun wedding planning. I didn't know how much work it would be. There are so many things to consider, like the date, venue, guests, cake flavor, bridesmaids, maid of honor, my dress! Mark has promised to take me dress shopping soon and find the perfect gown for me.

While this entire process is extremely exciting (and nerve-racking), it makes me a bit sad because when I was little, I always imagined my mom to be the one who helped me prepare for my wedding. She was my best friend and now I don't know how I'm going to get through one of the most important days of my life without her. There's also the fact that I don't have many friends. How am I supposed to assemble a group of bridesmaids when I can't even list five girlfriends on my hand? I suppose Arielle will be my maid of honor. She's like a sister to me and quite frankly the closest female I have in my life. And I'm the Godmother of her child. Alexa can be in the wedding too!

Mark and I have already decided to move in together. He says I will give up my quaint little one-bedroom condo and move into his house with him. It's quite large and can definitely accommodate the both of us. I will admit, I'll be a bit sad leaving my condo behind. I've had some great times there and it signifies my coming of age in Philadelphia. But I'm also excited to begin this new chapter of my life with Mark and start a life together. I've already given my notice, so I'll begin moving my stuff next weekend. By the first of April, I will officially be living in my new home with my fiancé.

Mark is so good to me. He is so kind and generous and caring. He treats me like a prized-possession, as though I'm something he has accomplished and seized. He can be a bit overprotective at times, always asking me where I'm going, who I'm seeing and all that. But I know he just worries for me. He's aware of the past I have and where I came from, so he doesn't want me getting into trouble or, worst, getting hurt.

For the first time in my life, I feel worthy of love. I never thought I'd find anyone to love me unconditionally, especially given every bad thing I've ever done. But then Mark came along and has made all of that possible.

We're going to have the wedding next April, so we still have a year to plan, which shouldn't be a problem at all. We'll invite all our friends and family and it will be magnificent. I think I'll invite some of the girls from Blue Angel, and maybe even some of the girls from Rouge. Hey – maybe they can even be my bridesmaids.