Missing Like You

THIRTY-THREE

SCOTT DONOVAN
JUNE 2021

After I ended things with Lexie, I became a slight insomniac. I would lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling for hours at a time. Not only was it paining me to not be with her, but now I feared her more than ever before. I wasn't sure what she was capable of, and I sure as hell didn't want to find out.

I regretted ending things with her. Part of me felt that I had made the wrong decision. If anything, I could have kept seeing her on the side solely to keep things at bay. I didn't know what kind of beast I had awoken. Because now? Now I wasn't safe. Now my marriage wasn't safe. I knew what Lexie wanted, and my wife was her sole obstacle. The thought that kept me up at night, the thought that continuously made itself present in my brain: What was Lexie going to do?

A week passed and I hadn't heard from her at all. No calls, no texts. I believed for a brief moment that I was safe. Of course she was upset, but she'd ultimately move on and be okay without me.

That couldn't have been farther from the truth.

It was a few days later when I received the first text message. It was a picture. I opened it and examined it, my heart dropping in my chest. It was a picture of me, sleeping. She must have taken it one of the nights we spent at a hotel. In it you can clearly tell it's me, the outline of my body, my hair, and a partial view of my face from the side. She didn't write anything with the message. It was just the picture. But the picture said enough.

I closed my office door and called her.

"Hello, Scott."
"What the fuck is this for?"
"What, the picture?" she said innocently.
"Don't play dumb with me. This is a threat," I paused. "What is your objective here?"
"No objective. I was just looking through some photos. What are you doing tonight?"
"What?"
"Tonight. What are you doing?"
"What do you want from me?"
"I want to see you. Bond Hotel, eight p.m.?"
"Is this a trick?"
"No."
I hesitated. "Okay."
"Perfect!" she said, and she sounded so happy, like the Lexie I knew, not the Lexie I feared. "I'll see you then."

I spent the rest of the day feeling distracted. When Jake came to see me and asked if I wanted to grab lunch, I declined. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I almost clocked out and left early, but I forced myself to stay and act normal.

Finally, once the workday was done and I had left the office, I made it home around the same time that Isabelle was just getting in. She was so happy that day, I remember it so well. She told me how she had a really good day at work and was in such a good mood. She looked over at me and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. It nearly killed me to have to tell her no and watch the smile disappear from her face.

I tried to explain that I had a really bad day at work and didn't feel well, but I knew she was still upset. She was so excited to spend time with me and I had ruined it. But I envisioned what would happen if I didn't go to the hotel that night, if I didn't do whatever Lexie asked of me. Surely, in the grand scheme of things, Isabelle being upset about a missed dinner would be an optimal alternative to having our marriage destroyed.

Later that evening, I told Isabelle I was going out for a bit to clear my head. She didn't question it. I got in the car and drove far above the speed limit until I reached the Bond Place Hotel. I swallowed whatever nerves and apprehensions I had and made my way into the lobby.

Lexie was waiting for me in the hotel bar. She was wearing a tight black dress and heels. Her hair was half-up half-down, falling in waves over her shoulders. She looked good. This wasn't unusual though – Lexie liked to play dress-up. I can recall the countless times I told her how beautiful she was, even when she was in pajamas, no makeup. But she liked to dress nicely and get dolled up. Said it made her feel good about herself. "Confidence is the key to success," she said to me.

I approached with caution. She turned her head in my direction and we locked eyes. I slid into the seat next to her and observed her from up close. Her makeup was impeccable, as always. She was nursing a martini between her hands, the olive already gone. She told me once that the olive was her favorite part. "Sometimes," she said to me, "I'm tempted to ask for a martini, hold the gin." She laughed after she said it, then popped the olive into her mouth.

In the hotel bar that night, I stared at her, this woman I'd come to know so well, and dread filled my entire body. She was beautiful and magnificent and terrifying. I didn't know how it was possible to be so in love with someone and fearful of them simultaneously.

"Lexie," I said, breaking the silence.
"Hi Scott."
"To what do I owe the pleasure?"
She smirked and finished off her drink, then slid it across the bar. "Remember when we used to meet like this in the beginning? Sneaking around hotel bars, making our way to the elevator because we couldn't get to each other fast enough."
I stared at her. "I remember."
"So," she cleared her throat, adjusting in her hair. "How have you been? Anything exciting happen in the past week?"
"I don't have time for your games," I told her. "What do you want? Why am I here?"
"Is it not obvious?"
I hesitated. "You want something."
"Yes."
"What do you want?" I asked, putting myself right in her trap.
"You."
I exhaled. "We've already been through this. I thought I made myself clear."
"Yes, well, that's just not going to work for me."
"I don't understand."
"Giving me up simply isn't an option."
"Lexie..."
"Do you love me?"
I didn't answer.
"You can avoid the question all you want. I already know the truth."
"Okay. And?"
"I want you to stop being a coward and just leave your wife."
"Are you honestly, truly, insane?"
"Probably."
"When two people decide to no longer be together, they go their separate ways and move on with their lives. I don't know why you're not comprehending this. I don't know why you're making this so difficult."
"Please don't treat me like I'm an imbecile. Or a child. I understand what a breakup is like –"
"Really?" I interjected. "Do you? Because you've never even had a boyfriend. Aside from your husband, you've never had anyone else. You don't know what constitutes a breakup."
"Oh, and you do? Mister I've only been with one woman in my entire life."
I glared at her. We were both getting angry now.
"This is not normal," I said to her. "This is harassment."
"Don't fucking give me that. I am not harassing you. You came here tonight because you wanted to. You want to see what harassment is like? I'll gladly show you."
"Now you're threatening me."
"It seems to me you can't handle what you're dishing out, Scott."
"I can handle you just fine."
"Can you?" she raised her eyebrow at me in a flirtatious manner, a split-second demeanor change.
"Stop."
She laughed, then titled her head, studying me sideways. "I love when you get like this," she said, raking her eyes across my body. "So hot and bothered."
I turned away, my eyes facing the wall. Anything to distract myself. Because I knew if I looked at her again, temptation would win and then I'd be back at square one.
"Scott," she said my name gently, reaching out and placing her hand atop of mine.
I looked down at our hands. Hers were so small and delicate. So smooth and dainty. I pictured her hands on my body. On my face, in my hair, behind my neck.
I looked up at her then and our eyes met. That was the most dangerous part about Lexie Chambers: her eyes. Like a sorcerer, as soon as I looked into them, I was under her spell. Anything and everything that happened after that was out of my control.