Forever Till death...

chapter sixteen...

The feeling  off something playing with my hair woke me up.

“Matty, stop it” I said mumbling to myself.

“Thats who you’re thinking of?”

My eyes fluttered open only to  meet the grey orbs that I had come to loathe which had darkened probably because of my big mouth.Whatever left my mouth next could determine whether I would ever see Matty again. I knew he would take a bullet for me anytime anyday and I would do the same for him in aheartbeat. He  was the only family I had excluding my dad who lived hundreds of miles from me. I couldn’t risk losing him or anyone I loved just because some crazy ex boyfriend took what I said literally.After a sleepless night last night I had come to the conclusion that Jason was not one to be messed with,especially when it came to me. A stupid comment that I had made had ended up causing a family their father  and husband and another their daughter. It was because of me that a kid in college who probably could have been something in life had died and his mother was murdered in cold blood. I had thought about it all night and morning and all I could come up with was this.

“N-No, you know I’m only thinking about you” The words left a horrible taste in my mouth as they tumbled out.I realised that as much as Jason was a murderer who saw everyone as a threat to his relationship with me, in his own sick and twisted way, he loved me which meant that I was his weakness..

His eyes brightened hearing my words and a smile formed on his face as he got on top of me a boyish grin on his lips

“You mean that?” he asked a look of vulnerability that I didn;t think existed in him clear on his face. I felt terrible saying these words and i felt slightly guilty for leading him on but it was him or me and I liked breathing and having all bodily functions working just the way they were.I  didn’t exactly have a plan but for now this would have to do. I swear I could feel the gall rise to my mouth with the words that left my mouth.

“You know I do” I said smiling weakly at him. God I hoped he couldn’t hear my heartbeating because it would definitely sell me out.

“So you forgive me ?”

Lets make this believable, I can’t have him suspecting anything until I was sure he would be out of my life for good.

“I didn’t say that. I just said I think about you”His face dropped slightly.. This was partly true because, I did think of him and I still was thinking of him . I was thinking of the number of ways I could get rid of him without getting anyone I loved and even myself killed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just looking out for you . They deserved it and much worse, they weren’t good people babe and I’m not sorry about what I did” He said brushing my hair back. I could feel the protest and fear rise in me as he said those words but I need him to trust me if I’m going to get him out of my life so I held it in maintaining the fakest smile I had ever given to anyone.

“Let’s not talk about that.” I said looking away from him.

He smiled at me and lowered his head to mine his eyes closed for a kiss. My eyes remained open as his lips landed on mine. I remained immobile and just let him kiss me without responding feeling it to great a task to respond to his kiss. He grazed the bottom of my lip begging for entrance and I pretended not to notice but he did it a second time with more urgency and I obliged parting my lips for him and reluctantly started to move my tongue with his. The feeling of nausea that washed over me came with an unexpected force  I don’t know if it was because of allowing him to kiss me or the pregnancy or both. I pushed him off me and he fell on the other side of the bed surprise on his face as I ran into the bathroom and puked my guts out barely making it to the toilet. He was behind me rubbing circles on my back as he held my hair back. I don’t even know what I was throwing up because I hadn’t eaten in a while. I ended up dry heaving once the water was out of my system. I shut my eyes hating that he had forced a pregnancy on me . Yes I already loved my baby but I honestly was terrified of his or her's father.