BANGERZ (2014)

16. Change

"You look different, Tessa," Miley observes, tilting her head and peering at me.

I glance up and swallow my bite of sandwich. This shouldn't surprise or confuse me, considering I've been dressing and doing differently these past three weeks. But my friends around the lunch table are looking at me curiously, so I think that they're noticing something even more different than usual. They already complimented me on my hair earlier this week, after all.

"I do?" I say.

"Yeah," Miley confirms, nodding. You're like, glowing."

"Your face and eyes are brighter," Khalil adds. He sips his Coke.

"And you're more energetic." Za crosses his arms over his chest like he's proud of his observation.

I glance beside me at Jason, waiting for his two cents, but he's silent and reaching for my Oreos. He glances up at me and gives me a sideways grin, and the charge of the electricity between us makes me smile right back. It's like we're the only ones in the room, even in the cafeteria.

I see Za raise his eyebrows and lean forward so his chair is on all fours again. "You know what it looks like, Tess? It looks like you've been having sex or something."

Miley and Khalil chuckle, and Jason snickers at my side. I don't know why he finds this so funny. Hopefully my "bright and glowing face" isn't as red with embarrassment as it feels. I regard Za with horror.

He laughs at my expression. "I said looks like, I didn't say you were. You got that glow." He wiggles his fingers at my face.

"You also said 'or something'," Jason points out, cocking an eyebrow at his friend. "What does that mean?"

"It means maybe Bizzle been getting busy with the crew's virg - "

"I've just been getting sleep," I interrupt, before this conversation can get any more mortifying.

"You haven't been sleeping?" Miley frowns.

"At all?" Khalil wonders.

I shrug sheepishly. "Not much," I correct. "Not lately."

Za holds out a hand. "See? Jason been keeping her up all night - "

Jason kicks him in the shin underneath the table, and I put my sandwich down and shake my head, sighing a little. I should probably explain this situation to them. Za grips his shin in pain and leans over into Miley's lap, muttering a string of curses. She rolls her eyes and listens to me attentively.

"He's actually been helping me get more sleep," I explain, my voice even. "I have really bad nightmares. They were so bad that I took Adderall to keep me awake. But I'm off it now and I'm trying to get back to normal." I glance at Jason, who's tapping his fingers on the table and listening too, even though he knows this story already. "I definitely feel better. So I guess if I look better then I'm getting there." I give them a small smile.

Miley, Za, and Khalil nod at my explanation, nonjudgmental. It's the short and sweet version of what's happened this week. Jason kept his word about making sure I got rest by "setting the mood right". Which meant turning off all the lights, closing my eyes, and listening to the sound of his voice. Every night I've fallen asleep talking to him, and I didn't even realize until I woke up about three hours later (that's my record for now) in my dark and silent room, with Jason snoring lightly on the other end of the phone. The nightmares haven't stopped exactly - they're the reason I still wake up and have to try to relax all over again - but the bang! bang! is more of an echo than a scream now. Hopefully I can silence it once and for all.