Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Sixteen

Dear Diary

October 20, 2012

When I woke up my eyes adjusted to the light and then I rolled over feeling somewhat drowsy. Nathan was awake and sitting up with holding a bag of frozen vegetables to his head. He looked so good with the sun coming through the window and then he gave me a small smile. I could tell his head was pounding but he didn't really let it show. "I don't remember a thing from last night. How did I get here?"

"You took your bike, and I'm not even sure how you made it here in one piece, it was kind of scary actually." I took his hand in mine and leaned on him. "You have a lot of different emotions when you're drunk, let's just say that."

"So I've been told and that is why I don't usually get drunk." He kissed my hand and that got a weird look on his face. "I didn't do anything... I'd regret... last night, did I?" He asked and I just shook my head. "Good." Then Nathan laid back down and snuggled into me. I started to get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew it was because I was still holding the secret about my results.

When Nathan fell asleep I tiptoed into the music room and closed the door trying not to wake anybody up. I got down on my knees and searched for one song and when I found it I placed all 5 pages on the piano. I ran my nimble fingers over my keys and closed my eyes for a second before I started.

"I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you

Oh
You
Without...
You
Without...you

Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night
Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you

Oh
You
Without...
You
Without...you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
Without...you."

I found myself feeling better, with all my emotions in my music. I looked up and saw Tristan standing in the doorway. He had a small smile on his face and I felt my eyes looking at his bare chest. His hair fell perfectly and I couldn't take my eyes off of his big brown ones. He then came over to me and sat down on the piano bench also. "How are you feeling?" I shrugged and put my head on his shoulder. "I'm going to go and make breakfast, come down if you want any."

I got up and walked back into my room. Nathan was still passed out with the frozen vegetables on his stomach. I laid it down on my desk and then put my head on his cold chest. Then his arm wrapped around me and I laid there thinking of ways to tell him that everything was different now.

How could I tell him? The whole world, my whole world, felt like it was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it no matter how hard I fought. How could I tell him that there is a possibility that he could lose me? I promised him he wouldn't lose me and now it doesn't seem like I'm going to be able to keep that promise.

I got up and looked back at him, making sure he was asleep before I put on leggings and a sweater. I then fixed my wig on my head and put a note on the bed.

Gone for a walk.

I love you

-D