Love, Cancer & Me ✓ [Original]

Chapter Fourteen

Dear Diary

October 15th, 2012

I watched the sun come up over the horizon. Between throwing up and tossing and turning I got no sleep last night. I just keep getting sicker and I know that the test results today will show that things have gotten worse. After that I don't even know if I'll be able to look at Nathan. I've been trying my best but what if my best isn't good enough?

I didn't want to get up, I felt too sick to go to school. Then the door burst open to reveille Matt. His hair was a mess and he was only in his boxers. "Knock much?" I asked and rolled onto my other side then pulled the blanket up over my head blocking out the bright lights.

"I'll let Nathan know you won't be coming today, and I know what you're going to stay... 'I have to go'..." He said mimicking my voice. "But sis you don't have to go, and just for you I'll make Nathan stay until at least lunch time, although after that I can't make any promises." I patted the empty part of the bed beside me and when Matt sat down I threw my arms around him.

"I love you Matty..." I said and kissed his cheek. "Tell Nathan not to worry, I'll just be sleeping anyways." Then Tristan came in, at first he was smiling but when he saw me he turned to stone, his happiness faded away and so did his smile. That confirmed how sick I looked, Matt would just ignore it but when I looked at Tristan I could see it.

It was that kind of look that made me want to give up treatment and just enjoy the time I had left but I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't give up, not now that I finally had something to live for and I wasn't about to throw it all away.

Tristan pulled me into a hug and I just let him hold me. It made me feel warm again and I felt the words 'stay with me' on the tip of my tongue but I held the urge in. He let go too soon and then he left the room. I laid back down and then I felt the bed shift so I knew Matt was gone. I closed my eyes and tried to let sleep take me but it never did so I got up and put my wig on. Eating seemed impossible, after one bite of cereal I felt sick.

I threw on my boots and a jacket and grabbed my phone. The fresh air felt good and I walked down the dirt path behind the house. I knew where I was going, it's where I usually went to get my mind off things.

As I came to the end of the trees it opened up into a lake. The air was warmer, the sounds of insects were almost too loud. The lake seemed like a black void, the sun bouncing off its surface. I sat down on the rock and looked out at the lake. The sun sparkled against the water and it was calm with small waves.

I laid back and looked up at the sky watching as the clouds drifted by. I felt so warm being under the sun and then I closed my eyes.

My phone vibrating in my pocket woke me up and then I saw the time. "Darc, where are you?" Was the first thing that came out of Nathan's mouth when I answered. He sounded angry and worried.

"I'm ok Nate, there's a path behind the house, I'm at the lake. I just wanted to get out of the house, get some fresh air and I fell asleep out here." I heard him sigh, maybe in relief, maybe he was just trying to get rid of his angry. I waited for him to answer, for him to say something but he never did and before I knew it I heard footsteps coming up behind me.

"Darc." He murmured and the minute I stood up his arms engulfed me. I could feel his breath on my neck and then he finally relaxed into me. "I love you." I ran my hands up under the back of his shirt. I had no idea what I was doing but I knew I wanted to make him forget that I was sick.

Nathan smelled so good, like a mix of Hollister and Axe colon and everything seemed perfect. Then things changed and I started to feel dizzy. Everything around me was spinning and I didn't know why. "Nate, I'm falling." I tightened my grip around his neck and closed my eyes.

"No you're not, I got you. What do you want me to do baby?" He asked and scoped me up in his arms. He held me close to him and rubbed my back. "Darcy are you ok now?" I didn't want to open my eyes, I was scared of what I might see. "Open your eyes." I opened them and everything was better I could see straight.

I pressed my lips to Nathan's and he shifted me in his arms. I put my legs around his waist and moved my hands up into his hair. Then Nathan stopped. "We have to stop. I don't want to hurt you." I knew what was holding him back, somehow I knew that day would haunt him because he still blamed himself. I hated the fact that I couldn't do anything about it.

I made him let me go and I started back on the trail to the house with my head down. Tears slipped down my cheeks and I knew that even though I knew his reasons it didn't make it hurt any less. It felt like he didn't want me, I heard him coming up behind me and I started to run. My heart was telling me to stop but my head told me to keep going so I did.

I ran all the way home and slammed my bedroom door behind me. Then I threw the things from my desk against the wall and the glass in the picture frames broke to pieces. I felt so much anger I needed to let out and then let go of. "Darcy?" It was Matt and I turned around to see his mouth hanging open looking at my destroyed room.

I walked up to him and threw myself into his arms. "I can't believe I did that to him, Matty. I ran away from him." We stayed there for a while and then I sat on the bed watching him pick up the glass. I felt like an imbecile, I know big word, but in other words I felt stupid. I let my insecurities take over. I got up quickly, feeling adrenaline coursing through my vanes and I wiped away my tears. "Matty where would Nathan be?"

"Well probably at the park, he likes to shoot baskets when he's frustrated, I'll drive you." I could see Nathan at the basketball court and I watched him miss every shot he took as I walked onto the pavement. He didn't even hear me coming up behind him and he groaned in frustration.