Everything We Never Had

twenty

Dinner with my mom after what had just happened up in my bedroom was an awkward affair.

Ashton and I sat next to each other and his hand never left my upper thigh. All night, it traveled up and down. Occasionally stopping to finger a certain place... Every time he did that, my heart fluttered. I visibly shivered. That would just cause him to do it again.

This boy was going to make me lose my mind.

But it's like it's not even happening. Ashton talks freely with my mom about his grades, college choices, and things like that. I barely say a word all dinner. Ashton's handling it quite well.

"So, where are you thinking about to going for college? Valerie is thinking about some colleges in Colorado."

I'm also thinking about DSU. But she doesn't need to know that.

Right as that thought pops into my head, my phone buzzes in my skirt pocket. It's a Snapchat from Elliot Hensley. Quietly, I pull my phone out and click on the notification.

It's a picture of him, obviously shirtless. It says, "u had sex with ashton young? even i know who he is!"

What?

----------------

After dinner, my mom brings out pie and dessert. Normally, I would be excited about the prospect of dessert but now, I want nothing more than for Ashton to leave.

Unfortunately, my mom doesn't seem to feel the same way. She and Ashton are chatting it up. They're talking about different kinds of dessert. Which is a topic I would normally love to involve myself in. But right now, with Ashton's fingers walking up and down my thigh and his fingers going everywhere private, I can't bring myself to.

I want to check my phone so bad. How did Elliot find out Ashton and I had sex? There's no way he could've posted or said anything about it already! We just finished forty five minutes ago and he hasn't left the dinner table since we started.

A bad realization comes to me. When I was getting dressed, I realize that I had seen Ashton pull his phone out. I thought it had been to answer a text but obviously it was to let the whole world know he had just had sex with me. Fuck this.

After Ashton leaves, the first thing I do is run upstairs to me room and check Instagram. Sure enough, on Ashton's story is a picture of me getting changed. Right after my mom called us down for dinner. I didn't even see him take it!

"Just had sex with the hot quiet girl!" It reads. The hot quiet girl?!

My heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I had just lost my virginity to this man and I thought we were actually going places.

He thought it was a joke. He thought I was so much of a joke he could just post me on his Instagram story. Like nothing ever happened.

I reply to his story saying "WTF!" 

While I wait impatiently for his reply,  I look though other people's stories. Just looking to see if someone reposted his story or said something about it. No one has tagged me or messaged me or anything. They weren't sure who the "hot quiet girl" was.

Ashton didn't reply for a while, so I decided to reply to Elliot.

"I don't know why he posted that." I say.

"Did you have sex with him, though?" Is his immediate, fast reply.

I think about what I should tell this boy. He doesn't go to my school and I've only seen him once. But he already knows basically everything, so what's the point in lying?

"Yeah, I did."

"So, he's a big d-bag.  Don't spend anymore of your time with him!"

That was going to be so, so hard. I was basically attached to this boy. But the feeling, as I had learned, was not mutual.

"I'll try." I reply.

"Just know, if you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here for u girl!!!"

I smile at this. I leave him on opened, not really knowing what else to say. Then, I begin to head toward sleep. School was going to be a shit show tomorrow.

---------------

The next morning, I have no reply from Ashton yet. I'll confront him at the lockers today. It doesn't even say he's seen the message.

I wear my pajama pants and a sweater to school. I hadn't done any of my homework but I don't really care. All I want to do is confront Ashton. I want to know why he posted that picture of me on his story. Why he thought it was okay. I want to know if anything real is ever going to happen between us or if I should just give up. Because this is getting tiring.

When I arrive at school and park, no one really looks at me weird. It's lucky because my face wasn't really visible in the picture Ashton posted. Just my body and clothes. Never wearing that skirt or shirt again. I make a mental promise to myself to throw them out when I get home from school.

I find Ashton outside the school. He's looking down at his phone, Airpods in his ears. I come right up to him and he looks down at me. Quickly, he takes his Airpods out and shuts them in the case. He shoves the case in his front jeans pocket. Then, he attempts to lean down and kiss me.

Despite how badly I want it, the feeling of his lips on mine, I push him away.

"Why did you post that picture of me on your story? Is that all I am to you? The "hot quiet girl?'"

He stares at me. His eyes boring holes into mine. "You can't even see your face in the picture," he says with amusement. Like that makes it any better.

"So what? You posted a picture of me with just my underwear and a top on. Plenty of people can recognize me without looking at my face! Delete it!"

"I'm not deleting it, Val," he says easily.

I stare at him. I can't believe my ears. I knew he was a player but I didn't know he was this fucked up. I take a deep breath out.  "Fuck you," I say.

And I walk away. That's that. Any hope I had of this working out is gone. After walking for a bit, I turn around and stare at him.

His gorgeous blonde hair, his perfect face. His head is back to being bent over his phone.

I don't know why I imagined anything would ever happen between us. He's so far out of my league.

Every perfect moment we had together, every kiss, every laugh, I had imagined it all.

I had imagined everything.

Everything we never had.