My Heart's in Alabama

36 - Kiersten

Whitney, Bridgette, and I snuggle up in bed and it all comes rushing in. All these feelings and non-feelings that are swirling in and out of my head that I'd unconsciously pushed aside. I don't necessarily feel butterflies when I'm around Matt, so I can't say without a doubt that I have feelings for him, but there is definitely something. An inkling. A thought here and there. Nothing major. Little moments of what if and passing jolts that leave as quickly as they come. They'd be there one moment, and gone the next. And everything would go back to normal. It'd be me and Matt, just as we'd always been. Friends.

"It's Matt, you know? I can't like Matt. He's Matt."

"I think it makes perfect sense," Bridgette shrugs. "He's a really sweet guy, he's cute, he watches out for his family, and he obviously cares about you a lot. You guys would be perfect together."

On paper, I guess it did make sense. Matt is all those things. And we get along so, so well. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. We spend practically every moment together. When something bad happens, he's the first person I call. I trust him with all my heart and I don't ever want to be without him.

But that doesn't make me feel any less weird about it. Matt has been my friend for years and for years that's all he ever was. I don't want to start having feelings for him. I don't want to be constantly wondering if he feels the same or get nervous when he's around or jealous when he gets a girlfriend. Which I'm sure will happen sooner rather than later. Girls have already begun to look at him differently at school. All those jersey chasers trying to dig their claws into the next star of the football team. Of course he's completely oblivious, but it won't be long before he figures it out. Especially since none of them are ever subtle. Pretty soon they'll be flipping their hair and  "accidentally" rubbing their boobs against his arm when they tell him what a great game he played. But where were they before he started making touchdowns, huh? Where were they when-ugh it's already happening! See this is exactly what I don't want. I don't want anything to change. I don't want to lose my best friend.

"I guess," I say. "It's just...it's a lot to think about."

"Hey," Whitney says and shakes my shoulders a little bit. "It's okay if you're not ready. Everyone goes at their own pace."

"Yeah, not everyone can go through 5 boyfriends in 5 days," Bridgette jokes and gives Whitney a wink.

"Excuse you!" Whitney says all offended and whacks her with a pillow. "It was not 10 boyfriends in 10 days. It was 3 in 12 days, thank you very much."

"Same difference," Bridgette laughs and whacks her right back.

"You're right. I should raise my standards and get myself a real man like farm boy Teddy Peters."

Bridgette gasps. Her jaw drops.

"Take that back."

"Never!"

Bridgette narrows her eyes, whips her pillow all the way back, and hits Whitney so hard it puts a dent in her hairspray halo. That really sets her off. I try to mediate, but it's no use. We've got ourselves a full blown pillow fight. Feathers fly, lamps get knocked over, and we can barely catch our breath from  all the giggling. All my fears and anxieties disappear with every laugh and every tumble, further proving my theory. Nothing solves boy problems quite like girls night.

In the morning, I collect my stuff and head out since Whitney and Bridgette have an emergency cheer session at 11. I hug the girls goodbye and head down the road with my duffle bag over my shoulder, sad that the good times are over. Back to reality for me.

I get near my house, and my heart starts to beat faster when I see Matt eating breakfast on his front porch. Already, I miss the comfort of having my girls around me.

I take a deep breath. Be normal, Kiers. Be normal. It's just Matt.

"Did you stay there all night?"

He turns slowly to me and gives me a wave. He doesn't say anything, but I decide to go sit next to him. It's what I would have done in the before-times. Before my feelings screwed me over and made everything so confusing.

I drop my duffle bag at our feet and fall back onto the swing. The momentum from my fall puts the swing in motion. He winces.

"Sorry. Does the swinging hurt?"

"It's fine."

He munches on his oatmeal without saying another word. He looks straight ahead and barely acknowledges I'm here. Paranoia sets in. Did I do something wrong? Is he mad at me? He seemed pretty not mad last night when he fell asleep in my arms. In fact, he seemed downright peachy. What's going on?

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

He takes another scoop of oatmeal and drowns it down with sweet tea. He swallows. He sets the glass down. All without looking at me.

"You sure?"

This time he does look at me, but he doesn't answer my question.

"How was girls night?"

I eye him up. He's avoiding the topic. But why? I need to know.

"You're acting weird."

"No, I'm not."

"You've barely said two words to me."

His eyes shift down. As stubborn as he is, he knows I'm right.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Matty, you know that's not true. If anyone can understand, it's me."

He opens his mouth, closes it, sighs, and gives in.

"It's everything. Hayden, being hurt, not being able to play, my dad, taking care of the kids, and..."

He looks me dead in the eyes and immediately grows quiet.

"And...?"

Our eyes stay locked together. I wait for him to go on, but he's frozen. He doesn't make a sound. There's nothing but silent tension.    

Suddenly, a screen door busts open. Our attention snaps to the source of the noise. My dad is standing on my front porch motioning towards the house.

"Get in here," he calls. "It's lunch time."

I look back to Matt. I don't want to leave. I want to know what's on his mind, what he was going to say. I have this feeling deep in my gut, a nagging, a magnetic pull. It's something big.

"Hurry up. It's gonna get cold."

"You better go," Matt says and bolts up from his seat.

He disappears in a flash and a slammed door, leaving me a million times more confused than before.