Since You've Been Gone

chapter 40- rainstorms & realizations

still don't know my name - labrinth

Ever since I was little, I have been fascinated with thunderstorms. Especially the way that everything seemed to pause and become quiet, hours before a big storm rolled in.

The birds would sense the impending rain and the quickening wind and would take shelter in the tall trees. They would stop singing their songs, and it would be silent aside from the whistling wind.

That was my favorite type of weather.

Right before the rain started to pour down, and the pitter-patter of the water droplets took over the silence. Where the wind whipped my hair all over the place and cooled my skin.

I found peace in the silence and the breeze. It made me feel free. Like if I closed my eyes and stayed still, the world would calm down, and all of my problems would dissolve into the wind.

But no matter how often I closed my eyes and let the cold breeze whip around me, my problems didn't go away.

Placing my hand on my swollen stomach, I sighed and leaned back in the wooden rocking chair.

"Baby, why don't you come inside? It's chilly out here." My mom opened the screen door and stood in the doorway. Her eyes were sad as they looked at me, and it only made my stomach churn more.

I shook my head. "I'm okay, Momma."

Even if the wind wasn't going to blow away the tension in my body, it felt nice to sit in silence.

"Hope..."

"Momma, I'm fine."

"No, you are not." She moved from the doorframe and sat down in the chair beside me. "Why won't you call him?"

"Mom..." I warned.

Between Layla and my mom, I had been constantly pestered about my decision to cut off Connor. Neither of them understood where I was coming from.

They thought him bringing daisies and candy would fix everything. But honestly, for me, it made everything worse. It only made my heart grow fonder and ache for his touch. I craved the safety that his hugs gave me and the way that I could sleep peacefully for hours in his arms.

I craved him.

But they didn't know Connor like I did.

When we were sitting on the bleachers that day, and Connor told me he would do anything for me, I wasn't surprised.

Connor was the most selflessness person I knew. He was always one of those kids that the teachers told everyone to mimic. He stayed after to help tutor classmates in math. He let underclassmen play his position during football games when the team was winning by an insane amount.

And after he had shown up at my house last week, it only proved my point even more.

Connor was too good for me, and it physically pained me.

"Hope...baby," my mom's voice cracked, and I had to look away, so tears didn't well up in my eyes. "Please, talk to him."

"Momma. I can't." I whispered. "I can't do it."

"Honey, Connor Harding has been your best friend since before you were born. I know he hurt you. I know how much him leaving hurt your soul. Baby, I saw it. I was there." She placed her hand on my knee, and the warmth from her skin immediately spread throughout my body.

Maybe I wasn't cold from sitting out here for so long because I was numb.

Or maybe I was numb because of everything going on. Maybe, I was finally at my breaking point.

"I'm not good for him, Momma."

"Why do you think that, Hope? What has made you think that you do not deserve a boy like that?"

I looked at her and then my belly, knowing she understood what I was saying.

"The baby?" I had yet to go to my doctor's appointment for the anatomy scan, so I still didn't know if I was having a boy or girl. At this point, I was almost tempted to wait until I gave birth.

"You know he would want to take care of the baby, Momma. He would throw everything away to raise a kid that's not even his."

The rain was beginning to pour down harder now, and I really appreciated the fact that Mother Nature was reciprocating my mood.

I had mad respect for her.

"So, what Hope? If he wants to step up and be the boy – no the man – that you deserve, then so what? What's the problem?"

"I can't let him give up his dream of playing at Troyvens Creek. And what if he makes it to the NFL? Then what? He'll be gone all the time, and his life would be so unpredictable."

"Hope Christine, you know that boy is selfless, but he isn't dumb. He knows what getting involved with you means. Yeah, there's a baby coming into this world in the next couple of months, whether we like it or not. But that doesn't seem to deter him from you. And last time I checked, he brought you flowers and candy, not a wedding ring." She sighed and cupped my cheeks, turning my head towards her. "If it works out, Hope, it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't. You can't keep punishing yourself for something that is already done. It's not fair to you. You deserve to be happy."

This time, I couldn't stop the tear that rolled down my cheek.

Connor fucking Harding.

The boy every girl grew up having a crush on. My first kiss. My first heartbreak. The boy teachers and students alike raved about.

Connor had been it all. Everything was always Connor.

And God, I wanted it to always be Connor.

I wanted to fall asleep in his arms and wake up wrapped up in his embrace. I wanted to kiss him whenever I wanted. I wanted to be in the stands for his games and cheer for him obnoxiously loud. I wanted to go to the ranch and visit with his grandparents like I used to.

I wanted it all.

"What if it's too late, Momma? What if he's finally given up?"

"Something tells me that when it comes to you, Hope, that boy will never give up." My mom squeezed my hand and gave me a genuine smile. She always knew what to say when I needed help. I guess it was one of the reasons she was such a great mom.

Just as I was about to tell her thank you for sitting with me, listening to me lose my absolute shit, in the pouring rain, my phone rang.

"Layla? Is everything okay?" She rarely called me. It was either texts or FaceTime calls.

"Hope... I... Oh, God." Her voice broke on the other line as she sobbed.

"What's wrong Layla? Where are you?" The hairs on the back of my neck were standing tall. Something was wrong.

"Hope," she sniffled. "There's been an accident."

"W-What are you talking about? Are you okay?" I stuttered.

There was a pause before Layla spoke again. "It's Connor... Hope it's bad. Really bad."