Since You've Been Gone

chapter 35- denial

all i wanted - paramore

I lied to Connor. I never called him when I got home, nor did I answer his text messages and phone calls. They seemed to be never-ending, and each time my phone vibrated my stomach dropped.

It had been almost a week since my trip out to the farm, but yet I couldn't get Connor's father's words out of my head.

Hell, at this point, I should be used to the negative comments and name-calling. But this was Connor's dad I was talking about. He had watched me grow up and raised the boy I was developing feelings for. I couldn't help but take his words to heart, even though I shouldn't have.

"When are you going to tell me what the fuck happened between you two?" Layla questioned as we sat at our usual table in the cafeteria.

After a very awkward Monday where Connor and I hadn't shared a word, he had moved to sit with the rest of the football team. The empty seat on the other side of Layla gave me an eerie feeling. I didn't like it. At all.

"Nothing happened."

Layla let out a loud sigh and rolled her eyes. "You are much dumber than I thought if you seriously think I believe you."

"Lay-"

"No." She held her hand up and kept talking. "Y'all were so smitten with each other, and then bam! I felt like if I breathed too hard on Monday, the two of you might have exploded."

"You're being dramatic."

"Um... no. You are being dramatic." Layla took another bite of her turkey sandwich. "It is so obvious that you have feelings for him, Hope."

"I do not." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt the tips of my ears burn, and my cheeks turn rosy.

But Layla was spot on. I did like Connor. I had a big fat crush on a boy I had no business liking.

I was 20 weeks pregnant today, and my protruding bump, definitely made it known. During my pregnancy, I had gained what felt like 100 pounds and I was only halfway through. I still had far too many weeks to go before my baby arrived. Connor would never think my swollen ankles, chubby cheeks, and gigantic stomach were attractive.

Not to mention, in four months, I would be giving birth to a baby. A real-life child that I would be responsible for the next 18 years plus.

Connor had a scholarship to play collegiate football, and there was no way I was going to let him give that up because he wanted to date a pregnant teenager. He didn't deserve that.

He should be going out to parties and hooking up with any girl he wanted to. Connor shouldn't have to worry about changing diapers or learning how to burp a baby.

I wouldn't let him throw his life away, just for the heck of it.

I wouldn't let him mess up like I did.

"Hope," Layla pleaded. "Why are you doing this? Why are you putting yourself through this?"

"I am not letting him throw his life away, Layla."

"Hope, what are you talking about?"

"Did you know that he got a scholarship to play football at Troyvens Creek?" The thought of him wearing Troyven's navy and red uniform and racing onto the field gave me butterflies. That was his dream, for fuck's sake.

Layla nodded. "He told me a couple weeks ago."

"Layla, that is his dream. Ever since we have known him, playing football there has been his goal."

"Why does that matter?"

"I can't- I won't let him screw up his chances of playing, just because he wants to fix what I fucked up." I took a deep breath before continuing. It felt like the whole world was slowly closing in on me, and the only person I wanted to comfort me was the exact person that I was running from. "I guarantee you that if Connor and I started dating, he would swoop in and try to be Superman. I'm no doubt going to be overwhelmed because I don't know how to take care of a baby and he's is going to feel like it's his responsibility as my boyfriend to help me."

"Why do you have such a problem asking for help?" Layla's deep green eyes were dark with frustration and a tinge of anger.

"Because it's my fault that I'm in this situation! I shouldn't rely on everyone else to help clean up my shitshow!" People were slowly starting to look at Layla and me as our conversation got more and more heated.

"I don't know if you failed sex ed or not Hope but you are not the only person responsible for your situation. You are just the one left to pick up the pieces. And so, what if Connor wants to help? I want to help, but that doesn't mean I'm going to drop everything, and my whole world is going to revolve around you and the baby." Layla reached over the table and grasped my hand in her own. "He's in love with you, H. So so fucking in love with you that it hurts me to know he hasn't told you. Please don't push him away."

Layla's voice was coated with sincerity, and it made my heart thump with excitement.

Connor and I had never had the talk. We didn't share our feelings for each other, so I didn't really know if he felt the same about me.

Yeah, we had kissed a couple of times and were a pretty large part of each other's lives, but that wasn't the same as professing your feelings.

Since he had returned home, Connor and I had gotten unbelievably closer. It was almost impossible to think about the way life was during the three years he had been gone. 

The sharp pain that used to fill my chest when I thought of him was now replaced by an accelerated heartbeat and warmth.

The way my breath used to get stuck in my chest when I saw something that reminded me of him was long gone. When we were together now, Connor felt like a breath of fresh air. Like I had been drowning, and he was oxygen.

He was perfect. Too perfect actually.

The way his blond hair messily sat on top of his head, no matter how hard he tried to style it. The way his lips tilted, unevenly when he smiled. Or the way his nose was slightly uneven from the time he broke it in seventh grade. All of those things only added to Connor and how great of a person he was.

Connor's perfection was the only thing gracing my mind as I walked to my last class of the day. My mind was solely focused on the blond-haired boy who had taken over my life.

I missed him. I needed him.

And all of a sudden, just like I had been imagining him for the past week, there he was. Hurriedly walking towards me, brushing past all of our classmates.

"We need to talk."