Comfy Closets

27|| Memories and Apologies

I wish I could say my mind was blank. That in my safe haven, I was free from thought, from distractions - from pain.

This time, my safe haven didn't offer me such comforts.

As the sharp winds blew past my body and the rough waves crashed with fervour, my mind mimicked its intensity with delight. Like sad people would listen to sad music, I found this scene quite fitting to my current internal state.

My thoughts continued to run, tumble and weave about as the chill of the weather slowly froze my fingers until I could barely feel them. I couldn't remember how long I've been here, just that I left with my car soon after I arrived home and have been sitting here with this chaotic but beautiful view in front of me since. If the shivering of my body was any indication, I'd say my visit here has extended its limit.

But I stayed.

The images in my head kept me rooted here as memory after memory played. Scenes from the day before weren't the only thing circling about. The reminders from a past that I once thought had disappeared, now plagued me with a vengeance. I shouldn't have come.

*Two Years Ago

"Come on! Let's take a picture before we run out of sunlight."

"No... my hair's a mess today..."

"It looks fine, Al. Come on, just one photo?"

"...Alright," I relented, giving into her puppy dog eyes.

Her emerald eyes brightened with delight. Taking my hand, she dragged me up from where we were sitting on the bench and closer to the railings, taking out her phone and getting the front camera to point at us. "Okay. Baby, smile!"

I purposely stuck my tongue out, giving the camera a cheeky wink. Isabelle laughed when she saw the product. "Al!"

I chuckled. "It looks good to me."

"Another one. Serious this time," she turned her head to eye me, feigning seriousness as she narrowed her eyes. I kissed her cheek humorously, breaking her façade as laughs escaped her lips.

"Fine, very serious." I relented, making a straight face and looking at the camera, not even a curve of my lip in sight.

"Not like that!" she jokingly exclaimed. I couldn't hold the expression anymore, laughing with amusement.

"Okay, okay. For real this time."

She looked back to the camera again, shaking her head with humour. "Alright. Three, two, one-"

I moved my head quickly to the side at the last second, planting a kiss onto the side of her temple. The camera captured the moment perfectly as a wide, content grin rested upon her lips.

*

For once, I let the memories of her play out, not having the energy within me to block them from my thoughts. I let myself have this moment of weakness, to relive a past that contained nothing but simplistic joy.

But as if my mind was punishing me for indulging too much, the poison from another time seeped through and ate it away, leaving only the bad taste of betrayal and pain in its wake.

I knew the aches within my heart wasn't only caused by the events of this morning. I foolishly thought that I could push her out as fast as she appeared yesterday. How wrong I was.

When I finally surfaced from my dive within the past, the sun was already sinking past the horizon. The temperature had dropped drastically in the past hour, which explained my frozen digits. Tucking my hands into my pockets, I allowed myself to continue my wander down the chasm that was my mind, having no desire to return home. To reality.