Catching Rainbows

32

Hailie really wanted me to spend the next night at home, so I did. Chloe hadn't slept in two nights and went to her house at eight to sleep, as it wasn't exactly quiet at night where I lived. I hated to be away from her but I knew one night wouldn't kill me. 

I stayed up another hour trying to work up the nerve to call Jared and ask for the help I knew he could give. In the end I couldn't bring myself to do it, and got in bed instead.

It was not Hailie that woke me up in the middle of the night, but rather my window opening. Assuming it was Chloe, because who else would it be, I sat up with a smile at the pleasant surprise.

It was Monica, though, who stepped through the window and slid it quietly shut behind her as she had done hundreds of times before. It had been over a year, of course, but apparently it was like riding a bicycle; one didn't forget.

I just gaped at her, astonished.

"Thanks for letting me come in," my ex said as if she were a vampire I'd invited in, and it prompted me into speech.

"What the hell are you even doing here?" I was recovering from my shock even as my heart clenched up at the sight of her. "Get out!" I pulled the covers up to my chin, as if she was a monster from under the bed and they could protect me. 

"Lu, please," she said, and her words were running together. Great. Drunk Monica was even worse; she didn't handle her liquor well. "Please let me talk to you, you have to let me, I made a huge mistake but--"

"Stop!" I told her, wanting to scream the word but trying not to wake everyone else. "I don't care! Nothing you say will change what you did! Just get out of my fucking room."

Still she stepped toward me, and put a hand on my leg through the blankets. "It wasn't Jared's fault, okay? I invited him over, and I told him I was curious and that you were cool with it, okay? I was curious, Lu, I'm sorry, okay? We were drinking, it was so stupid." She was crying now, hiccupy sobs that she always ended up in when she drank. 

When she didn't end up in bed with my cousin, that is. 

Her hair fell around her face, a face I'd held between my hands and kissed so many times I couldn't have begun to count. I was speechless at her audacity and of course she went on. "I told him I asked you and you said it was cool, I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, I miss you so much," she wept, perching on the edge of the bed and putting her hands over her face. "I messed everything up so bad, I regret it so much, my life is terrible without you in it."

My mind was chaos, my heart beating so fast. Even after all the time, after everything, the sight of her crying still hurt. She'd once been my everything, my secret-keeper and best friend and future. "Are you kidding me? Losing you killed me," I heard myself saying, and my own cheeks were wet as I drew my legs up under the covers, so she couldn't touch me again. "I get that you messed up, but this isn't like forgetting the house key, Monica! You were messing around with my cousin, you cheated on me, regardless of why. Me! After everything you always said about how people who cheat on someone are the worst, how super gay you were and you would never want to even see a dick. You lied to me." The words poured out. "You could have just told me you were curious, we could have talked about it, we could have--"

She interrupted, reaching out a hand, pleading. "I'm sorry, I really am--"

But fuck that, because that day was fresh in my mind and always would be. "I ran from that and straight into my mom getting killed! And then I was so alone, you could--you could never understand how alone I was," I told her, knowing the words were useless, knowing all of this was pointless. 

Maybe it would have been different if the other things hadn't happened, maybe I would have been able to forgive them and try to understand. But it wasn't different, so it didn't matter. "It doesn't matter," I said aloud. "You said what you had to say, just please, go." I waved her away, blinded by my tears and my heartache. "You can't undo it and I can't forget it, it's too mixed up with everything that's terrible. That's it. That's all. Please leave me alone."

I felt her rise, knew she shouldn't be going down the ladder in her inebriated state but unable to care enough to get up. "Okay, I'll go. I'll go, Lu. I'm sorry."

If I heard the fucking word sorry again I really was going to scream. I put my hands over my ears and closed my eyes and simply waited, my breath hitching in my chest, wishing I could throw everything in my room. At her.

I stayed that way for at least two minutes and then I took my hands away and opened my eyes, throwing back the covers and stumbling to the window to shut it and lock it even though it was too hot. I ached to push the ladder away but it would make too much noise, and I knew she wasn't coming back anyway.

I got back in bed and cried, knowing my life was better with Chloe, not doubting that it had all worked out for the best, but it still hurt so much I couldn't breathe right. My phone lit up and I grabbed it, hoping it wasn't Monica texting, which she'd done repeatedly at first when we broke up.

But it was a picture of Chloe laying in bed. Next to her, on my side, was one of my hoodies, my pajama bottoms, my purple beanie, and a pink balloon with a smiley face drawn on it in black Sharpie, complete with long eyelashes. 

I called her. 

"Hey," she answered. "I couldn't sleep without you so I made a you," she explained unnecessarily. "Then I slept for almost five hours, but now I kind of want the real you."

"Monica just came here," I blurted, tucking away her sweet words for later.

She was alarmed. "What? Did she do something? Are you okay?" 

I tried to stop crying. Wow, what a crybaby I was lately. "She just--she just came in the window when I was asleep and started telling me all this shit, that she told my cousin I said it was okay for them to mess around, all this shit," I repeated. I couldn't believe Jared would ever believe such a thing would be fine with me, but alcohol messed with people and didn't I know it.

"Oh my God, that bitch, I'm coming over, don't move," she declared. "I'll be there in five minutes, Luna. Okay?"

I nodded, sniffling, and realized that of course she couldn't see me. "Okay," I said in a small voice, and managed to get myself under control by the time she arrived.

I opened the window again, giving her my hand to steady herself.

"Hey," she said, stepping through and smiling at me, drawing me to her immediately to crush away my sadness. "I'm here, everything's fine now, don't worry." 

And the thing was, I believed her, because I trusted her. At least Monica hadn't ruined my trust for everyone, the bitch.

Chloe sat on the bed and pulled me into her lap, cuddling me as she examined my face. "Ooh, she's lucky I wasn't here," she said fervently, scowling at the window. "But don't worry," she repeated, her eyes on me again, her expression softening completely. "I don't like being away from you, and I'm thinking maybe you feel the same." 

"Maybe as in definitely," I agreed, breathing her in, solace stealing over me. 

"Then we're gonna figure this out so we can be together," she promised, kissing my forehead and both cheeks and my nose. "Together-together," she amended, her lips landing on mine now. 

"I already found our solution," I told her now, glad to share the news. "I just have to call my cousin." Luckily the information Monica had given me would make the unpleasant task a little bit easier; silver linings and all that.