Seeing Shane Gray ✓

seventeen | end

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October 18

The weather grows colder overnight, and students switch their summer clothes for winter clothes. As for me, I retain my use of Carter's hoodies and T-shirts, refusing to switch them up for anything. People may think it's weird, wearing your dead brother's clothes, but for me, it's my way of keeping him with me.

"We could have stayed in today," Racheal tells me as we attempt to finish our reading for our environmental sciences class.

I don't answer, not wanting to tell her that I'm more than thankful that she let me stay at her place for the night. I couldn't go to Marla's with her out of the state and going to Riley's after what her dad did wasn't an option. It was Racheal who responded at ten at night and let me stay with her.

Racheal watches me while I refuse to look up from the loose sheets before me, highlighted in blues, pinks, and yellows. Most of my studying involves drawing lines and highlighting headings that I plan to read but never do.

"You okay?" she asks.

I nod, chewing on some loose skin of my bottom lip.

"I'm hungry," I announce, looking up at the ceiling.

"We have class in like ..." Racheal glances at her watch. "Two minutes."

We look towards the food display and notice the group of students already waiting in line for their lunch. It's obvious we're not going to get anything from there in two minutes.

"We can try the vending machine," I suggest.

"They've sealed it up," Racheal tells me. "Something about it eating up people's money and not giving it back. So many students complained that they couldn't get it to work again."

"Did they try being nicer to it?" I ask, Shane's words slipping out of my mouth before I can stop them.

A smile slides onto my lips and I shake my head to wipe it away without Racheal noticing. Luckily, she's too confused to understand.

"I'll ask Riley to get something for you by the time we get out of class, okay?" Racheal assures me, getting to her feet and gathering up her things.

I sigh, knowing I have no choice but to follow her. My head spins when I stand up and I take a moment to get the dizziness under control. My head feels heavy and I close my eyes briefly, opening it to find Racheal already picking up my things too.

"I got them," I say quickly, taking them from her as we almost start running towards the class.

We get there just in time, entering right after the balding teacher who keeps calling me Tyler for some insane reason. I get it, we've only been in his class for two months but my gender is pretty much clear. Not that names have anything to do with gender but calling my Tyler Ming pisses me off. He doesn't mess up anyone else's name, neither does he call them by their full name. Does 'Ming' somehow indicate I need to be called by my full name or nobody will know it's me? We don't have another Taylor -- or Tyler as far as he's concerned -- in the class.

The class passes by uneventfully, with me scribbling lines and crescents on the top of my notebook while Racheal takes notes. Halfway through the lecture, I zone out, returning when the teacher begins his version of an interactive discussion which is mostly him asking questions and the students answering. I didn't sleep too well last night or eat anything. My head -- which is exhausted from overthinking -- keeps spinning and I drop it in my hands, wishing the deafening pounding in my head would go away already. It's not only painful but also annoying, distracting me from whatever the teacher is asking me now.