To Be Alone With You

27. falling

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

FALLING

—

Kaspian had to go to three different therapists before he found someone who could actually help him.

The first one was a fifty three year old woman who wouldn't stop telling Kaspian about her own life, and her own experiences. And while he appreciated the gesture of trying to make him feel less alone, he'd only managed to say around two sentences in the entire session.

The second therapist he met was a forty year old man who reminded Kaspian of his dad. He was condescending, and he treated Kaspian like he was a child. Maybe it was just Kaspian's giant inability to talk to men who were older than the age of thirty, but he physically couldn't bring himself to open up to him.

Kaspian's third therapist was not much older than Kaspian, a twenty six year old woman, who looked so fucking nervous that Kaspian could feel his own anxiety heightening.

Deciding that he couldn't handle the fact that his brain wouldn't stop screaming at him, and he didn't want to talk about all his bullshit trauma to therapists who couldn't help, Kaspian finally booked an appointment with Stella's mom.

He was initially against seeing Stella's mom, Dr. Morris, as a therapist, because he was afraid that the sessions would be too personal, but surprisingly enough, Kaspian found that it was a lot easier to talk to her, and he actually managed to open up a little.

But therapy had left him feeling completely fucking drained. Talking about his problems never came easy for Kaspian, and now, he was sitting in his car, right outside therapy, trying to stop himself from crying. He just felt so empty. And tired. Of everything.

"God fucking damnit," Kaspian whispered to himself, placing his head on the steering wheel. "Fuck."

Just as Kaspian was about to begin his drive to school, he received a message from Rowan.

ro1🤡💞 -
u aren't in school? again??😦

Kaspian chose to reply immediately, considering it would get his mind off everything that he had to talk about therapy.

kaspain🥰 -
yea I had therapy,,, dr Morris wasn't free at any other time on such short notice so like ): will probably show up to school now tho👍🏼

ro1🤡💞 -
aha ! don't come by if u don't feel too up to it tho🥴 therapy can be hella draining sometimes😔

He definitely agreed with that. Kaspian knew that shit got worse before it got better, he did, but he needed to know how much worse it could get. Because right now, he felt like he was teetering on the edge of a fucking cliff, just waiting for something or someone to push him off.

Kaspian began his drive to school, his brain constantly replaying the words Dr. Morris told him.

Live for yourself. Look forward to things. Don't turn off your mind, co-exist with it. You give what you want, Kaspian- that's why it's so easy for you to offer help to other people. We're going to practice saying her name in conversation. I want to suggest taking medication for your anxiety. Tell me about why you think it would be better if it was you instead of Karina.

Hands shaking because of his stupid fucking thoughts, Kaspian quickly parked his car, and entered school. There was just one class until lunch— Calculus— which Kaspian was grateful for. He didn't know if he could sit through more classes than that. And also, he really, really wanted to see Rowan.