Never The Same

Chapter Thirty

12 Months Later

I wake up and head down the stairs to eat breakfast with my mom. There are pictures of Emma hung everywhere. It's a nice thing to remember her and who she was instead of pretending like it was a tragedy that couldn't be known. She was a pretty girl and he did an awful thing to her. It's weird to feel as if her death was so normal, as if she's been gone forever. We used to plan our futures together but now I see that we never had that.

I think I've lost myself over the past few years. I'm not the same Ellie that everyone knew. I feel extremely fragile but also I feel stronger than before like nothing could defeat me. They took away my best friend and they took away my other half. There are so many things he destroyed in my life when he came after me. It was never just a game. It was real life. And real people died. If it weren't for my friends and family I'd still be mad at him for taking away my future.

But I can't be mad anymore. I want to, but it's impossible. I love the people around me and they wouldn't be here if it never happened. I can't be mad at that, but I can still wish it had been different. There are so many things I'd do just to go back in time and hear her voice and feel her embrace. They had no right to take that from me. No one ever has the right to do that to anyone.

I walked into the kitchen and I saw my mother setting the table while my father sat with a newspaper covering his face. They both looked at me and smiled with a good morning greeting. I smiled back and sat next to my dad.

"It's your big day Ellie," my mom said while putting more pancakes in the center of the table.

"It's not that big," I retorted.

"What do you mean," my dad joined. "You've been working on this project all year. It has to mean something to you. I know it would to Emma."

"I know dad. I know. But what if I get up there and I can't talk about it? What if I break down in front of everyone?"

"You'll do great sweetie." My mom sat down next to us. "You know I wish I could be there, but-. Look, I'll call it off and change my flight."

"No mom, you can't do that. I'll be fine. You're going to Washington for a case that could change your career. I'm happy for you and anyway, dad will at least be in the same state."

"She's right honey. She'll be okay, and stage fright is normal."

"I'll call you guys everyday," I added.

"Okay." My mom smiled with a bit of relief.

She went back to being a lawyer after I came home that second time. I was glad to know that she was able to move on and be happy about things. She wanted to give people a voice for those who were too scared to embrace their own. She wanted to help the kind of people that were victimized and targeted. People like me and Emma.

My father is still in the army and he'll be staying at a base in Florida for about a month. It's good to know that when I start the next part of my life I won't have to start it alone. He's gotten along better with my mom and I heard him talking to my mom the other night about how he keeps a picture of her with him at all times. She seemed happy about it because she knew he had mine and Emma's pictures. It's nice to know that good things still happen after the worst things do.

As for me, I'm off to Florida to present my story to a large group of people including two women who will be judging my performance and deciding whether or not I deserve a scholarship to the school Emma always wanted to attend. I've never spoken to so many people before. I've been planning what to say all year and constantly rewriting my notecards to make it perfect. I designed an art piece in honor of the two people who lost their life because of mine and thinking about it makes me anxious. Art was never my forte but I had this image and I couldn't stop thinking about it and I don't think I will until it's over. So here I am, Ellie Hayes, off to tell her story to world. A sad girl with a sad story.

We drove to the airport and I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I don't remember ever being on an airplane alone before and the thought of it terrifies me. My mom had her bags and I had mine and my dad was right there beside us. It was strange to think about us all departing from one another.

We still had a half hour before the plane began boarding. We waited and talked for a while before I looked down the hall a bit and saw two familiar faces walking towards me. It was Jenna and Luke with bags strolling beside them.

"What are those for," I asked and stepped on my toes to kiss Luke.

"We're coming with you," Jenna said. "We're going to be with you every step of the way."

"Yeah," Luke added. "And no one is ever going to hurt you again."

I thought about telling him I wasn't scared anymore. I found it hard to be afraid of anything after all that has happened. I didn't know if he would believe me, but he didn't have to because I knew. I knew that being scared was okay too even if it wasn't the same. I'm not sure anyone could actually hurt me more than he did and I am really hoping I'll never find out.

We waited only a little bit longer before we were ready to go our separate ways. My dad was staying home for a few more days and my mom would be in Washington within a day with her layover flights. Jenna, Luke, and I were going to Florida. It was crazy. Every single detail about these kinds of lives that we lived were crazy. I was happy for once in a long time. I've been content for a while and was for a short time after the first incident, but now I was more than that. My life was growing a slight more normal each day and it felt good not to feel afraid wherever I go.

We went through customs and finally reached the door to enter our plane. I could see this being our lives, being our future. It was as if it were the one thing we've always been sure of. But I can tell you this: I'll always think of Emma and of Brooke, and there's not a day that won't pass where I won't forget what turned my life around. I'll always think of him and maybe I'll never know how I truly felt about it all, but it happened and it is a part of who I am. Things may change and appear to be normal after something tragic, but if there is one thing I'm certain of, it's that life afterwards will never be the same.