Alexa. (#1)

(39)

Alexa

Relieved. That was all I felt when I finally explained everything to Noah. He knew everything; mom explained my condition as well. I was also worried, what would they all do? The end is near, and I know it. I am always in pain now, but I never tell them, enough worrying for me now. Yesterday, I was sitting in my room eating a salad, my tasting buds were now affected so I really can't taste anything now. Just a weird taste for anything I eat or drink.

Derek wanted me to try this medication; saying that it would make me better, or make me last more time. I had to be alone while taking the dosage because it made my immunity disappear, therefore I could contract a disease from anyone in the room, which also made me so physically drained. I requested from mom earlier that I wanted some paper and a pen and some envelopes; I had to write my goodbyes. I am now trying to think about what to write, and it's nerve racking. I have to write a letter for mom, Z, Derek, Zach, a short one for Aiden, and a long ass one for Noah which I have no idea what to write in. I sigh again as I play with the pen, opening and closing the lid multiple times. No one ever said it was easy, but no one ever said it was going to be this hard; saying goodbye, I mean. I sigh and take a deep breath before deciding I should start with easiest. Opening the blank notebook, I bite my lip and grab the pen.

'Dear mom, I know I am a burden, I always was, I came by mistake, but I hope I was a beautiful one. You always cared for me and I always tried to repay, I hope I repaid well. You are one of the strongest women I have ever met, you moved on from dad's death, and you promised you'll move on from mine, I know you always keep your promises. Don't let me down, I beg of you.

Remember this one time, when I was young, and I was playing with my very first bicycle, you were preparing cookies in the kitchen. I tripped and fell, scraping both my elbows and my knee, I kept crying and you came rushing out of the house to me, dad had died before this accident by a year or so, it was really early for me to ride a bicycle anyways. You kept crying beside me, telling me it was okay. In the end, I stopped crying but you didn't as we entered the house and I ended getting you orange juice, I remember I brought you the whole bottle because I couldn't reach the glasses cupboard. You laughed at that. That day you slept beside me in my tiny car-like bed and we kept imagining stories. I told you about one with a flying camel and a crawling zebra who envied the camel. You would've laughed but you didn't, instead, you listened as if I was telling you the plot of the new book in your favorite series.

All in all, what I wanna say is you didn't care I was silly, mom, instead you leveled yourself with my silliness, which is a tiny reason of the uncountable reasons of why I am so grateful to have you as my mother, sister and best friend. Please, stay strong for me. Every time you remember me, laugh, don't cry. Never cry for me. I love you, mommy.

Yours,
Your Little Princess.'

I pull the paper out of the notebook and fold it in half before putting it in an envelope, writing on top of it with big cursive letter the word 'Mom'. I grab another paper and sigh, readying myself with an imaginary pep talk.

'Dear Z, or should I call you Ray like we did in the old days when we were trying to be cool? I remember that day perfectly when you came in with your over-enthusiastic self and screamed "HEY! OUR LAST NAMES RHYME!" and since then it stuck. Then we got over it when the boys started saying it; a shame, really.

Anyways, I just wanna say that I am thanking you for the best 10 or so years in my life, I think we have been friends for more but I really can't focus right now. I love you so much. You were the sister I never had, and you were more than enough, more than I ever asked for. You were always here when I had absolutely no one with me, with my previous boyfriends, you were always there when they left me heartbroken. You were there with me when I wanted to watch Youtubers make fun of their selves or when I wanted a Netflix marathon. Every time you came to my house or I visited you, you'd always get me food and we would just sit together, absolutely checking our Instagram profiles. All in all, you're the goddess of best friends, if that even exists. I love you. I always will and always have been. Stay grand, Ray. Don't lose hope or I am gonna come after you as a ghost, I swear! I love you, see you in another lifetime.