Unseen

-32-

            "Do you think your unfinished business could be me?" James asks out loud when he is having breakfast on Sunday morning, after such eventful Saturday night.

After James fell asleep last night, I spent all night thinking and mourning. Without him, I could only think of all the new things I'd learnt, and above everything else, the loss of my mother. I've thought so much about it that I can finally realise that the reason why it hurts so much is because I'm selfish, because I want to have her here. But after all I've done to her, after breaking her the way I did, I have no right to miss her or want here with me, where she is miserable. She left with a smile on her face, like she didn't look in fifteen years, so she was better then. Wherever she left to, she must be better off than she was here. The least I could do is to be happy for her.

I've controlled my mind for fifteen years, making myself forget I was bullied until I committed suicide. I have also almost forgotten my father and every other face that I knew when I was alive. I can surely make myself feel happy when I think of Mum because she is okay, she's just waiting for me. It might take a while, but all minds can be set to work in certain way, even ghosts' minds.

I also tried thinking of what could be the lesson I have to learn for me to cross over and reunite with my mum, but every time I tried thinking of that, James' face came to my mind, reminding me that crossing over means leaving him behind.

A relationship between a ghost and a human is impossible, even if I manage to learn how to control my emotions in order not to hurt him, and I don't mean it because he is the only one that can see me because that's irrelevant. A relationship isn't to display to others, it's between two people, and those who have that mindset are wrong and are missing the real point of a relationship. The problem isn't that I remain unseen for everyone except James, it's that I'm not a person anymore.

"That sounded so narcissist, I'm very sorry," James adds next, realising what his words sound like. An embarrassed chuckle escapes his lips.

"It's okay, I'm no one to judge you. And to answer your question... hmm... I don't think so," I reply, not sounding like my usual self.

"I'll try not to feel offended with that, but I don't think you really understand what I meant," he jokes a bit, his nervous smile still on his lips.

"I think I do," I say, and as my mind is still trying to cope with every change, I can't really feel sympathy for him now, or to mind how he seems hurt with my words. "You don't mean you, but finding love, or being loved by someone aside from my family. That is probably the most logical thing that could keep me here because it's something I never experienced." James' eyes widen a bit, surprise clear in his features. "But many people die without experiencing so many things, and those don't keep them here. It's not a experience, it's a lesson what I have left."

I try to give him a smile, one that doesn't feel that honest, but it's the best I can manage right now.

"Besides, if it were that, then I would've crossed over already. But here I am, still stuck. It has to be something else," I add and I hear him sigh. "I tried figuring it out last night, but I didn't come up with anything. The only option I have is forgiving my bullies, but how can I do that?" My voice carries the weight of that statement, how reluctant I am. "Saying 'it's okay, I forgive you,' and really meaning it are two very different things. I honestly don't think I can ever really forgive them. I can accept their apology but that doesn't mean I can forgive them."

"Maybe you should, that resentment weights in on you," James comments, and I heave a frustrated sigh.

"Easier said than done!" I snap. "Can you forgive those ghosts that did all that to you? That psycho that almost got you killed?"