Her Birds

Homecoming Reflections

She watched idly
From her window
Birds having a go

At her birdfeeder

My home has a birdfeeder. It didn't have one before but, currently, it has one now. I suppose I'd find it a blessing, at the moment, that I have a birdfeeder to watch birds, particularly as I mused.

It had been some time, since I had gone away and it hadn't been too long since I came home. From what I've learned, this is a process. Mostly, I just want to put this whole madness behind me, like I did with the past. Or so I thought. I suppose the reality of it is that I don't know how to move forward, especially currently. The past currently haunts me like a ghost and I feel quite shackled.

Satsuki, breathe, just breathe.

I think about my Honnouji days. I did what I had to, certainly, but I was a monster. Mm, a pang of guilt. There are many things that I cannot fix and I suppose I'd have to accept that. There's not atonement for that. If I'm not thinking of my childhood (or lack thereof), where, in retrospect, I think, at times, I wished I hadn't survived. At the time, my father and sister didn't. As far as I knew, that grave was meant for three but Ragyo was cruel enough to not toss me in it, too. Of course, as I think of that, I realize that I was wrong. My sister did survive, so I wasn't alone.

She's never far from my mind. No, she never was but, currently, she's especially not far from my mind, considering that day. Or the events leading up to it. I didn't know what was the matter with me but I do know that I was suffering a great deal more and dying felt reasonable. At the time, I really told I think about the first time I attempted but it failed and the only thing I accomplished out of it was being ill. I think they started to notice something being off and, in wanting to protect them, her especially, I told them that I was just sick was all and that I was fine. Liar! In hindsight, I don't think she fell for it.

The second attempt was the catalyst for this whole thing. My mental struggles really got the better of me and I opted to slash my wrist. I was right. She didn't fall for it. She fished me from that bathtub, tore at her shirt to tie a tourniquet, and ran with me to the nearest hospital. I woke up in a hospital gown attached to a blood bag. When I came to, I saw her. Her devastated tear-streaked face was burned into my addled mind. In wanting to protect her, I hurt her the absolute most. That realization came with remorse. I'm the only blood relative she has left and I would have left her alone.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Seeing her like that, I knew needed help. As I stayed in the hospital, I requested that I be transferred to the a psychiatric hospital for a spell. For her peace of mind, I reminded her that I'd come home but I needed to go away for a bit. I didn't tell her that it was a mental hospital, no, but I opted to call it something a little less serious, like a "retreat". Protecting her, once again. My retreat went well. I have a new therapist and some medicines to take, along with a few diagnoses.

Satsuki, breathe, just breathe.

As I watch the birds on my birdfeeder, I feel a bit of calm. This whole thing will pass.