Evermore

𝑭𝒊𝒇𝒕𝒚 𝒔𝒊𝒙 (wedding pt. 2)

I push the doors open quickly, breathing heavy as I step out onto the balcony which has a beautiful overlook of the city, especially by day but now it's darker out.

I grab a chair from the small table, bringing it over to the railing of the balcony. I rest my elbows on it as I sit down. I watch the lights from the city, letting myself think for a minute and slowly relax from the overwhelming feeling in my chest.

Today has been amazing. Everything I have ever dreamed about—really, it has truly been the best day of my life.

I married Natalie. Natalie Snow, who used to be my teacher, the woman I most likely would have never even touched if it wasn't for my best friend pushing me to "fuck" the hot and bitchy teacher.

God, I miss him. I really do.

While today has been beyond magically, I've thought about Charlie, all positive since it's been busy and I've appreciated the small things with him...But now, I can't help but just sit here watching over the city, wishing he was beside me.

I've done good...I've spent these last eleven months distracting myself, grieving, stressed, happy and anxious. It broke me. Charlie dying, especially so sudden and in a way I would never expect—at a time I would never expect and it's just so...weird to me, something I really can't comprehend still...after all these months. I'm still waiting for him to just come home.

Charlie was stupid but also a genius in ways, he was always so cheery and happy—he never failed to make people smile, even at the time of everything with my parents, Charlie was just that light brightening everything. My old bedroom—a place that just seemed so dark, Charlie would sneak in through my window, even after I messaged him saying I couldn't hang out, he would brighten my whole room bringing it to life again.

I always think about it, the fact that I really wouldn't be alive today if I didn't have Charlie at that time. When I was a teenager there was just so many things that made me want to give up, my mind becoming a dark space but again...Charlie swooped in and lit up that dark space.

He had his moments, where he didn't give the greatest advice but he was silly, he was always joking around because he knew if he got too serious about my situation and tried to talk it out—I was a teenager, who went through stuff and being serious was weird to me—talking about what I went through was even more weird. Of course, he stayed serious while I told him everything but he mostly made jokes about other stuff to cheer me up.

When I met Natalie, he helped me, he requested to follow her and even though I thought I would have a heart attack because of it, I now have a wife—who does nothing but care for me in a way I never thought I would be cared about—it's not like Charlie...He cared too much too, just like I did to him. But Natalie, she showed me what being in love was, even though she was...a little shitty at the start and I should have walked away at times—I never could, it felt wrong to never touch Natalie again—to never kiss her lips, see her smile and hear her nice talk that happened every once in a while back then which I hear everyday now.

Something and someone kept telling me not to give up on her, if it wasn't for Charlie, I wouldn't be alive but I also wouldn't have gotten to experience Natalie's love. A love that makes me feel safe, and happy even though I have really bad days and I can be mean to her on those bad days.

I will never get over Charlie's death, it's just something I can't do. I will always appreciate him though. Always and forever. I just...I do hope when I think about him, that the overwhelming feeling in my chest will go away, that it will go back to how it used to be when I thought about him. I don't want the pain surrounding every thought of him—even the happy ones, to last for evermore as Taylor swift would say...but I just have a feeling it will. I just want my best friend back, I hate having to have these thoughts and this feeling.